day 10 challenge

songs that i listen to when i'm happy, sad, mad, bored, hyped and mad.

um first of all, the mood that i'm usually in the most isn't an option...indifferent. hmm. moving along. when i'm happy, i can listen to absolutely anything with the exception of techno. when i'm sad, i listen to marvin sapp - never would have made it. speaking of him, his wife recently lost her battle with cancer, so if you could and if you believe, can you send a prayer up for her family? it's the easiest good deed you can do today, if that's your thing. when i'm bored, i sleep, so no music there. hyped? i wonder if hype is referring to the feeling you get when you're in the club and you're ready to have a good time. i would have to say lil wayne - ride for my n.ggas. :shrugs shoulders: and when i am mad, which is a rare occasion in itself, i don't remember listening to any song but if i could, i would listen to tupac - hail mary. "i ain't a killa but don't push me." actually i would listen to that at any time. my fault. this challenge was odd. i couldn't really tell if the music controlled my mood or was a result of it but either way, when i'm in my emotions, i'm not really searching for an instrumental to describe that. maybe next time i will.

yankee stadium

i was born in the South Bronx. i capitalized that for a reason. right off of Fordham road, below Grand Concourse and Jerome Ave.  you might know the name of my very popular home - Park Avenue, which runs all the way into the city.  i was on 183rd street in an apartment building with five floors and more immigrants than the Labor Day Parade in brooklyn.  the South Bronx had its own culture.  there were girls who snatched up their two inches of hair into a makeshift ponytail and then spread out the ends like the feathers on a peacock.  i know cuz i saw her on the bus stop every morning while i was waiting to get on the 41 with my mother.  i walked down the hill past the bodega saying hi to every kid in my building whose parents were too busy to take them to school like mine was.  i rode the 41 bus all the way up to Webster and Gun Hill Road in between masses of people.  old, young, employed, unemployed, when you're that young it all feels the same.  i heard young people talking slang unique to new york and even more unique to the borough we were in.  i struggled to balance between the shaking of the bus, the crowds of people and the weight my book bag held with my dreams.  always leaning into my mother, it's obvious now that the ride was so different for her.  this was not what she was used to.  she used to walk to school in the West Indies with her siblings and a bucket of water in tow.  she didn't have a book bag or a uniform or even a pencil sometimes.  whoever got a certain bone in the fish they had eaten the night before, would be the lucky one to attach it to a stick, dip it ink and use it in school the next day as a pencil.  but riding the bus up and down the South Bronx was the only way of life i had known.  trains running through the night, the occasional gunshots, car alarms and the never ending phrase, 'coco, mango, cherry' all served as vital instruments in the soundtrack of my childhood.

but one thing i remember more vividly than others is the pride and glory i acquired by being born in the home of champions, 27 time world champions.  there's two trips every class in the Bronx goes on...to the Bronx Zoo and to Yankee Stadium.  when you're so small, Yankee Stadium looks SO big. it's like the ruins of Rome before you know what the ruins of Rome are.  it's just massive and the only thing bigger than the stadium when you're looking up at it is the idea that you've inherited the same attributes that made them champions in the first place.  i don't have to tell you how special New York is as a city.  the streets are filled with ashes and pride.  we have overcome more than most including crazy cab drivers, 9/11, rush hour and the birth of hip hop.  it's a different feeling when you grow up in what we consider home and everyone else considers a world landmark.  that being said, Yankee Stadium is not just a stadium.  it's the home of the navy blue fitted, crisp with the fresh, white NY logo. it's the home of boom boxes and lady rappers, it's the home of beatboxing and breaking dancing. it's the home of ahmadu diallo.  it's the home of sean bell, biggie smalls, jay-z, fat joe, nas (it's his birthday by the way). it's the home of record breaking, the apple, the city that never sleeps.  it's the home of 600 home runs and 27 championships.

and where else would be an appropriate place for one of the the world's most successful rappers to host what is being called his most epic concert? there's actually nowhere in the world more appropriate than Yankee Stadium.  the concert has been advertised so heavily that my four year old even wanted tickets. along with Eminim, Jay-Z performed to a sold out crowd and will do so again tonight with special guest appearances and an audience that believe he embodies the very thing the stadium represents...EXCELLENCE.  here's a clip from last night's performance and i must say, that even though i'm not a fan of Nicki Minaj, she showed up ready to perform like the company she keeps.  so, without further ado, welcome to Yankee Stadium, where only the best perform.

day 9 challenge

something i'm proud of in the last few days.
finally looking for the job of my dreams, not the one that pays the rent. oh and i'm really proud of myself for talking on the phone for an extended amount of time for no other reason than i can.  and when i say extended amount of time, i mean four hours. never a dull moment.

superpowers

i was a sociology major in college and i never thought for a second that it would change my life but it did.  somewhere deep in my studies, started concentrating on interview skills/technique, data research and behavioral analysis.  i spent most of my time people watching for assignments and then working with people to upkeep my stiletto collection.  either way, i was surrounded by people and i studied them, day in and day out.  and now i have these peculiar powers that i cannot exchange and sometimes i would like to.  recently, i had a conversation with a fellow graduate in sociology about how the science of people has affected my life.
for instance, i find it hard to be vulnerable and open to new relationships because i am constantly reading 'him.' we're going to use 'him' for lack of a better term. i find myself forcing to maintain the balance between a conversation and an interview. i find myself trying to ignore his body's signals and concentrate on the words that are coming out of his mouth but if and when they don't line up, i come up with at least three theories, countless problems and possible solutions. that's what i was taught.  and now that's who i am.
sometimes, i want to be the naive girl who can't tell when he's lying or being withdrawn. sometimes, i don't want to figure out the pieces of the puzzle before he gives me all the pieces but that's what i was trained for and now, it's all i can see.  honestly, how do you tell the person you care about that you think they've been sexually abused or you think their childhood is having a negative impact on their intimate relationships? how do you tell someone that is trying to keep it all together for you that you've noticed how broken they truly are?  you can't or at least i can't.  and you know what's the worst part of it? when the science and the emotions stop running perpendicular instead of parallel and i know we're going to crash.
i interviewed one person i was intimate with. and all the science in the world told me he had messed up big time.  he had all the tell tale signs of deceit, omission, regret, shame, deflection but i still loved him.  i saw the crash and walked right towards.  and then got mad at him for betraying me knowing full well that he, nor the science betrayed me. my heart did. but hindsight is 20/20. and according to my friend, i'm still adjusting to my powers. but sometimes i want to bury them so deep so i can fall deeper. just for a moment.

weekends are for relaxing

went on a date with my best friend. she's pretty cool. actually we spent the entire weekend together relaxing, eating and having historic conversations.  we learned the following:
1. fashion night out in nyc is amazing and imagine, we only drove through it.
2. a sweet crepe does nothing for you except make you feel really bad about tasting SO good.
3. how good women feel about their vagina is the same way good men feel about their mind.
4. spoken word isn't always spoken.
5. love jones is not just a movie or a feeling, it's someone's journal and that someone happens to be me.

day 8 challenge

Day 8. Already. Short term goal for this month and why. I saw this pose, a dance pose. Words won't do it justice so i'm gonna post it when i get to my computer. But this pose is absolutely beautiful. The dancer or gymnast has perfect form and her body is a work of art in itself. So, I'm going to have to resurrect the dancer in me to strike this pose because that's how much it struck me. The picture is actually the background to my desktop so every night I work towards it. I might break my neck but it might just be worth it.

day 7 challenge

a picture of something/someone who impacts me the most.
unfortunately i don't have a picture of your reflection. yes you.  i am person who is impacted by people.  by their stories, by their hopes, by their dreams and by their losses, i am impacted by the people that i see, have the pleasure to meet and the blessing to love.  i guess that's why i was a sociology major. the science of people is tricky, saddening and inspiring yet abundantly filled with new lessons.

who fear is and what he does

i have a friend who's in love and not the 'head over heels' in love. she's very grounded in the decision that she's made to be with this man.  and i've seen them together. they are completely enamored by one another.    it's a beautiful thing really. and i'm so happy for her, to have found the person she wants to be with for the rest of her life.  especially because the rest of her life is a really long time, God spare life.  i'm not just excited about being in the wedding because i know i'll look fabulous but i'm genuinely excited that she's found the man to father her children and to cook her breakfast on mother's day.  ok, i'm crying now. but i'm so amazed that these two have come together with all of their amazing attributes [ambitious, intelligent, good looking, spiritual, compassionate, humorous] and decided to build something greater.  which leads me to my next point. i truly admire her bravery.  loving someone more than life itself can be deadly. but she wakes up and does it every day.  and me? i can't even kiss with my eyes closed all the way.  i'm too afraid someone is going to snatch me away from the moment for whatever reason.  to be completely honest, i'm terrified like children are afraid of the dark, i'm absolutely frightened at the idea of letting someone love me.  i can live with several moments filled with potential than live with one moment that failed.  it's a scary thing to let someone love me in all my crazy.  will he notice that i'm really sensitive? will he notice that i'm extremely pale when i wake up? will he notice that my eyebrows are uneven? will he notice that i have more secrets than this blog will ever reveal? will he love me regardless? and then love my daughter too?

they say every journey starts with a single step. but i say, when in doubt, stand still, until something moves you.

frozen like ice cubes
i disintegrate pieces of myself into you to quench your thirst
and you digest me never thanking the faucet i came from
i make your cup and your brow sweat with the beads of my wetness
and still you consume me without ever realizing my valiant efforts to please you while getting nothing in return
my coldness eases you
while i disappear into you, the fountain of my fear leans like the tower of pisa
steady, historic and towering over me and all the plants that wish to flourish underneath my smoldering shadows
i've stunted the very growth i need to sustain me
but my wavering stance has appealed to the universe and man has bent to my will
feeding the masterpiece that can never give her master peace
my fears are
False 
Emotions
Suppressed 
Relentlessly 
but i hope
He
Offers
Plausible
Explanations
so i can believe him, so i can read him, so i can bleed him into moments where even the dictionary is jealous of our dialogue
i hope to look my fear in the eye and ride him until the sun goes down and the moon comes up
over my head, between the strands of my hair and a new day begins, where he is no longer a main character, but an honorable mention...taking credit for what has been done, but amicably choosing to go our separate ways for the upcoming film.

day 6 challenge

day 6. favorite superhero and why.

everyday she wakes up and decides to save the world.

even as it falls to pieces while she sleeps, she wakes up with a renewed faith that she can do something to make it better. 

Tiffany Thompson.

my real life, modern day hero.

day 5 challenge

a picture of somewhere i've been. besides home, it's my favorite place. le louvre. in paris, france. their architecture is poetry. yeah i said it.