I won this round.

love is concrete. ya dig? 

remember when i went on vacation and i snapped these great pictures? well some things are so nice that you have to do it twice, so i did, with a better camera and my sister on call photographer - the lovely ms. @danigirlbx.  it's the same place but this time at night. a totally different atmosphere.

i didn't know what i was looking for. i was probably looking for anything that would make me turn around and walk away quicker than a hoe from the pulpit. but i had to see for myself.  i had to find out if what he did to me was greater or less than what i would do for him.  it was a balancing act of sorts trying to feel out my own feelings.  liking someone was always complicated for me.  the formula never seemed to work. liking someone was never enough or either too much so i strayed away from it all together.  i could be interested but never smitten.  i mastered the art of physical interest without intimacy, which threw a lot of men off.  it was nearly impossible to fathom a woman being completely disinterested in whatever they had to offer. what girl didn't want a relationship? what girl didn't catch emotions? it was a rude awakening for a few of them, learning that my panties were just as much a priority to me as they were to them.  the look on a man's face when he realizes you don't give a f.ck is a prime example of how you ended up f.cking in the first place. sometimes to gain control, you have to give it up first.  thankfully, that phase has passed. i no longer have the desire to entertain the competition between egotistical male suitors. it's simpler now. if you want me, you just can't have me, none of me, for no other reason than i said so. you could be great. you could be the marrying type. you could love me and my mini me. you could be everything i've wished for. but it's up to me. i'll decide what i want to give you and how. whether you do good or bad, i've already made my decision. so save the antics and the charm. i will give myself to you when i'm ready, but until then, there will be no sneak previews. 

and just like that, i've given myself up for a ransom i'm not so sure he can afford.  this phase is unchartered territory.  and if i could pinpoint whatever he did or didn't do to get me to this point, i would tell you but i have absolutely no idea. all i know is that he made me blush.

i could see my reflection in his dilated pupils. ecstasy traced over his flesh like sweat on damp skin.  this was a familiar feeling in an unfamiliar place.  we were on a bridge suspended above the very things we feared.  with each kiss, we were getting closer to the edge trying to remind ourselves that the fall wouldn't kill us, but rather the sudden stop.  i pressed my lips against his and traced his hairline with my fingernails.  the palms of my hands traced over his skin while our tongues had a conversation with more moans than nouns.  his hands sculpted my body into a warm masterpiece with the pieces of me he had since mastered.  my hips spread over his pelvis and my breasts pressed against his chest.  he pulled me close to him, so close that not even air could squeeze through.  my insides spilled onto him like words we can't get back. "baby, right there. damn. you feel as good as you look. oh my god. you do something so different. just like that. shh. baby. don't stop. keep doing that. just lay back."  i wined and dined on the man before me because the hunger of intrigue had taken over.  he tugged at the very flesh of me mixing pain with pleasure - the ingredients to a feast only we could enjoy.

it's damn near impossible to make vulgar behavior modest.  if perfection were human, we would be its parents. rolling and riding into the horizon of our own bodies. i came over and over again just to come to the conclusion that i had to leave. the line had been crossed, smudged in our sweat and there was no turning back. the chemistry had exploded in our faces and there were fireworks in the palm of our hands, turning everything we touched into gold.  fingers dripped with anticipation good enough to lick off one by one.  my hands traced in between his ribs and i borrowed one because from him, i came, so it was only right. i looked at him through blurry eyes with steam rising from my pores like i had been seeing him for the very first time. he was so deep inside of me that i could no longer blame shallow conversation for this massacre of modesty.  something had happened, something we couldn't control, something we could only bear witness to.

it's safe to say the architecture curves to the architect. i drew him into me like oil paintings to a canvas.  when you're blank, you are easy to occupy.  empty people get full quick  and he had filled every inch of me until my cup runneth over with more than enough liquid to quench his thirst.

and there i was, witnessing art walk through me and thanking whichever god could hear me.  it was there while lying on top of him did i see the transformation between humanity and the divine.  i had pleased him for pleasing me.  

Not even the darkest darkness could stop the tiniest light from shining. If you look closely, to the right of the picture, there we are patiently waiting. Why? Because we were leaving together and that's what you happens when you come together.

and so it begins.

beautiful and i'm not sure if i'm talking about the scenery or myself.

we went on a journey to find God but we found men instead.  close enough. apparently when you're seeking God, there's no such thing as internet service.

who's we? danielle or @danigirlbx, whichever you'd prefer and little old me.  we set our degrees and our egos aside to sign up for a job we had no idea or inkling about.  for all we could have known, we could have been building shoes from scratch. lucky for us the labor laws are still very much in tact.  the entire experience was a journey in itself.  about forty five minutes outside the Bronx, we were simply two city girls surrounded by more trees than people. so what could we do? take pictures, build memories and document the time of our lives.

we were a long way from home or what felt like home once upon a time.  leaving at seventeen years old and returning at twenty four had done things to us that we couldn't ignore.  we were no longer bound nor impressed by the city limits.  we wanted more. we wanted to feel something else besides pavement and catholic school uniforms, so we drove. we drove that car into unchartered territory.  first stop? working a job, not to pay the bills or to build a resume but rather just to see if we like it.

comfortable clothes, an oil change, a new air filter, a tank of gas and double stuffed oreos made for a worthwhile trip.  even though we were supposed to be going to work, we ended up watching the work God does instead.  we went through a lot of miles and words talking about where we had been and where we were destined to go.  every conversation is a painting when the colors blend just right.

i feel like i never get a break. i keep meeting one great guy after another and it feels like it's my civic duty to keep trying.  

you have to give yourself a break. you have to decide that you want one.

when i think about him though, the only break i'm concerned about is heartbreak.

even though some people have a passion for each other right away, for others, sh.t for most people, it grows.  and the only way to know something grew is to gauge the distance between when you started and where you end up.  but the fun part is what it takes to get there.

on a scale of one to ten, i like him at about a 6.

what? you can't rate matters of the heart.

who said anything about my heart? i was talking about my mind and my vagina.  my heart is just conveniently placed in between.

when you even think about him your face lights up.

yeah, that's what he said.

girl, that's what he did.

 when you're not ready to wake up, even the beauty of sunshine can be blinding. i'm just happy to be out of the house. my spirit tends to suffocate between walls of people.  there's something about being outside that makes me appreciate what's going on inside. blame it on me being a summer baby, but i can't help but bloom under its majesty.

i'm taking my talents elsewhere. i tried it with you for a few years. i enjoyed it. i loved it even but my goals and our achievements aren't one and the same for whatever reason.  where i've started doesn't have to be where i end up. no love lost, just reassigned.

my mother always says, "why do you have so many shoes? you only have two feet!" that makes absolutely no sense to me but then again my mother and i are two different women. here's why. in her mind, you can only wear but so many shoes because you only have two feet. [we're not gonna talk about how my mother's shoe collection is WAY more than the stack in this picture. please excuse her hypocrisy in order to value the lesson she's trying to teach me]  in my mind, shoes are like men. we can try different ones, even if we only have two feet and one heart.  but for a woman who's only been with my dad, her ideology makes sense. she doesn't need options or variety, because she's already found the one guy she needs which is equivalent to the one pair of shoes we're going to pretend she has, for the sake of the story.  but me? i go through stilettos and boyfriends.  maybe later my mother's theory will make sense. maybe i'll only need one pair of shoes for one guy and i'll wear those shoes to meet him at the altar. 

i believe those are God's fingerprints. 

look a like 3

today, someone told me i look like angela bassett. suddenly i have no problem with aging.

day 25 challenge

i skipped 24. i really need to devote myself to it and since i don't want to shortchange it, i will do it another day, sooner than later.

day 25. what you will find in my purse.
i would say my phone but it's usually in my hand.
my phone charger would be in my purse though.
mac lip conditioner, mac lipstick 'chatterbox' [how appropriate], mac lip gloss 'irresistible' i think
my coach wristlet with my license, my passport and loose change
my ipod nano and headphones
a hard brush and a little comb
a headtie [you never know]
dior mascara
charcoal eyeliner
some sort of jewelry - usually a pair of earrings or a bracelet
body spray
lotion
my epipen is supposed to be in my purse. the problem is i never know which purse.
umm...what else? oh! car keys, my daddy's car keys and two sets of house keys
some sort of snack...i'm always eating. it's just something to do and it keeps mini me quiet.
lastly...a magazine.

there's too much going on in my life and my bag.

jackpot.

daddy taught me how to play jack when i was a little girl.  bounce the little starfish looking piece and try to grab as many marbles before catching the starfish looking piece. it sounds a lot more complicated than it is. i watched my father eagerly wondering who taught him. with my big brown eyes, i wondered why we had to scoop all the marbles, why not just one? why risk dropping the starfish for all the marbles when we could have just scooped up one or two and manage to get the starfish at the same time? why would my father take such a risk? looking back at the whole experience now, why the f.ck was i so scared?

take the risk ms. lloyd. take the f.cking risk. it's seems easy to say but we often stand in the way of our own progress.  there are no safe roads unless safe and unfulfilled are synonymous and no one bothered to tell me.  i think my biggest fear is conquering myself.  who am i to be great? isn't that a speech somewhere? it most certainly is true.  i think about it all the time - what gives a girl born and raised between the south bronx and the west indies the right to be something fabulous? what gives a teenage mother the place to talk about places that come out of storybooks? what puts little old me in the position to talk about anything? absolutely nothing but Jesus was born in a manger between three horses and piles of straw so who am i NOT to be great? i've noticed that most of the time we're not comfortable in our own skin. we fuss and fight with ourselves about doing what is acceptable for everyone else when the truth is that everyone else won't care as much or as long as you do.
i'm a babbling writer, a sarcastic mother and a guarded woman which really means i'm hard to please. but that's me and there's nothing to fear in that.  i cannot gauge my success numerically in those three spaces.  i can only be me and i can only do what makes the writer, the mother and the woman happy.  whatever it is, it has nothing to do with anyone else. and maybe the fear is that my road to happiness will only make me happy which seems pretty lonely.  however, i made the decision a long time ago that i would rather be happy by myself than miserable with the whole world.
make yourself happy first, if for no other reason than it reduces wrinkles.  you want to go to beauty school? save your pennies and go. you want to take a road trip cross country? save your quarters and go? you want to go natural because the perm is thinning out your edges? do what's right to save your edges if that makes you happy.  i'm just saying.
fear is something we pick up along the way but we don't need to take it wherever we go. i can't tell you when or why i bothered letting fear come between me and the things i wanted to pursue.  while my father was teaching me this game, i was consumed by the fear of losing.  but now i realize that my daddy wasn't teaching me marbles, he was teaching me how to take risks. whether i drop the starfish or not, at least i'll have a chance to come back with some colorful marbles.

the sun is out

it's 8:12 am and i'm up on a saturday and not for church either.  day 2 of this humbling experience. can you tell i'm tired?

 

you probably can't read what my mug says but it's very befitting for the day ahead of me.

"Fill up your cup, you're always on duty!!!" one of my best friends, quise, gave it to me the day i graduated for mother's day, which only had me bawling in that paper mache gown. needless to say, it's gonna be a long day. 

so if you think you're going to see that letter to my parents as my day 24 challenge tonight, you got another thing coming, actually, it's not coming at all.

but an assignment to myself for my missed work in light of my humble duties, i will say this.

it is obvious that i didn't choose my parents but they chose me. whether we get along or not, i will always appreciate that my mother decided to bring me full term because she certainly didn't have to.  though i am their child, i'm not a child and that is the source of much conflict.  however, my parents are responsible and that's more than i can say for most. so whether or not, we agree on the lifestyle i'm trying to live, the fact remains, that i have a choice in my lifestyle because of the decisions they made.  thank you baby Jesus. oh yeah thanks mom and dad.

every day won't be a good one

i just want to close my eyes and go to sleep but i cannot go to bed without saying this...

some of you are going through hard times, whether it's emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually.  i won't understand because your situation is unique to you but no matter how bad your situation is, don't forget how GOOD YOU ARE. you WILL be ok. it may not be soon, it may not be later but it will happen.  i don't even know how i know that but i certainly believe it, even if you don't.

humbling...

i'm currently on a four day assignment to humble myself to the economy.  i can't give you all the details except for that i'm on my feet ALL day and my degree was definitely not my biggest lesson learned.  i'm going to try to keep up with updates and pictures. i'll start tomorrow. i'm so tired i can't even my plug my phone in to upload the one picture i took but trust, they're on their way.  when's the last time you've eaten some humble pie?

it was the ambush of emotion

when the love of your life who's no longer in your life is brought to you by the humorous strands of the cosmic universe, there's absolutely nothing you can do.  you'll find yourself on a busy sidewalk or in a car at a stoplight completely enthralled in a man that has halted all bodily functions, breathing included.  just imagine for a second, loving someone you don't believe you should love in the first place and then loving him more than life itself. so much so, that a piece of you has died in the wake of his absence. none of it makes logical sense and none of it is what you want.  this kind of love was not included in the fairytales. i don't remember cinderella having these problems.  her and her prince couldn't be together but in this life there's too many people that just won't for reasons that kings and queens have no stake in.

she was driving her car heavy with furniture, trinkets and miscellaneous containers for a house she didn't even live in. in fact, the man in her passenger seat hadn't lived there either yet. he was still moving from his old place trying to find a middle ground for where he'd been and where he was going. her fingers tapped against the steering wheel doubling as the soundtrack to the conversation she was having with marcus.  this had been an eight year courting experience that only turned an initial attraction into a solid friendship.  a friendship that shared a few kisses but a lackadaisical passion [if ever such a thing] halted the blossoming of anything further.  after spending the entire afternoon trying to turn his new apartment into a home, they had finally gotten the essentials.  while playfully arguing who would set up the dvd rack,  the car slowed to a stop at a red light.
looking up the street on their way home, she saw him.  there he was in the dusk of the day standing there like everyone else.  her eyebrows furrowed at the very sight of him.  this just couldn't be.  that could not have been him standing there.  him, who she was still very much in love with. him who barely answered his phone. him who had given her the 'you're too good for me' speech, him, the one him that she considered the one for her.  her fingers paused their tapping and gripped the wheel wishing she had a grip on reality instead.
That had to be the longest red light in history.  She stared at him in a moment of confusion as he smiled and waved. she wanted to be angry, she wanted to feel betrayed, she wanted to jump out the car and beg him for the answers he had refused to give her. this wasn't supposed to be friendly. they weren't friends anymore. they were two people pretending to be cordial because being angry had gotten exhausting.  hey eyes were locked on him not because she couldn't stop staring but rather in fear, for if she blinked her prayers for them to be together would turn into liquid and marcus nor her would ever understand why she would cry when all she had to do was wave back.
but this was the ambush of emotion, loving a man you can't stand, wanting to be with a man that can't be with you, attempting to give someone something they are unable to receive.  there would be no answer to the equation in which him and her would ever add up. her tears hid from the night air and her fingertips trembled with anticipation.

she wanted closure and he wanted to say hello.

day 23 challenge

something i crave for a lot...

that even if the world came crumbling down leaving pieces of the sky on our foreheads,  he would never let me go. that's the only type of craving i have.