Danny and Annie

Don't read any of this until you watch the video above.

Loving intimately after losing someone is a strange thing.  Last month, my ex-boyfriend passed away from the same disease that took my father.  Since then, every opportunity to love again is overshadowed by this crippling fear.  And let me be more specific, losing Daddy has raised questions and concerns I never considered before.  Every time I see a wedding, I think to myself, who's going to walk me down the aisle or who's going to lean into my husband's ear and demand that he take care of me.  And every time I think of love, I think of sickness.  Will he love me when my hair starts to fall out? Will he help me get out of bed when my knees are too weak to carry me?  Will he be strong enough to watch me die?  In sickness and in health stands out to me now.  Every time I think of love, I think of death and if I will find someone to love me through that.  I'm terrified.  That's what losing daddy does.

The last two days, I feel like I started being self-sabotage Tass.  I started to pull myself away from it.  The fear hovered above me like an overcast and I wish I could define it for you.  I wish I could define it for myself.  My dad was my first love and the video reminds me of that - how hard it is to lose and how all the preparation in the world doesn't make it easier.  

While love is love, romance changes often.  Love letters and intimate dinners used to be romantic.  And now, letting me watch my favorite show even if football is on is pretty romantic.  Or telling me that I'm still beautiful with only half of my hair blow-dried.  Romance changes and I guess, the fear is that I won't find a love grand enough to survive something as scary as cancer.  Daddy said the same thing Danny said, 'he has a poor gift for me and it's himself but he gives it to me anyway.'  

I have no fear that I won't find someone amazing like that or that I haven't already. I just want to know if like Danny and Daddy, will he love me to death?

[thank you Tyler for the video]

Press Play

I guess it's like all of the stars falling out of the sky
Their whiteness plunging into the darkness of the sea beneath them 
The world wouldn't even know what to do if the entire ceiling opened up weeping its condolences
We'd stand there feeling small, reminded how heavy the earth can be 
and how even its seams have breaking points
I feel like that's what cancer is...
falling stars
misguided light
misunderstood energy
It's a loss too great to bear and too much to fathom
and we can't even catch the burden
it slips through our weak fingers 
too unprepared for the unimaginable
and you want to scream
you want to yell into the darkness
but your pride convinces you that it will only do more harm
because God forbid, someone hears you
God forbid that anyone hear you
and if only sound travelled at the speed of light
the pain would cause explosions in the sky
every star is a grave
every grave is a star that gave up
that fell out of the sky
that realized heaven isn't that comfortable
and even with all of the things you've dreamed of
no gift is greater than life
no gift feels as good as breathing
but what's a gift to cancer?
what does a gift even mean to cancer?
cancer's never woken up early on Christmas morning to even know what gifts feel like
never 
and now, the people that it takes won't feel that Christmas morning joy ever again
and they won't see the sky crumble upon their arrivals
and we'll never get to see them in their wings
we'll never see their faces full with healthy blushing blood
and we'll never hear their laughs carried by the wind again
but we will see the sky crumble 
we will see the magnificence of pain and we will feel the weight of all the angels above us
and there, we will crumble too

She's Your Daughter Too

My dear family, friends and gracious supporters, It's been a long time coming and it's been a wonderful journey. In 2009, I started this blog as a homework assignment and slowly but surely, it's changed my life. I am so blessed to have experiences, support and a gift that allowed me to transform my entire world, imaginative and real into an eternal body of work. Your unconditional love and encouragement has shaped me into not only an author but a woman of tremendous faith that the human race is powerful beyond measure.

I present to you, 25 exclusive FIRST EDITION copies of my first novel, She's Your Daughter Too.

"A girl's first love should always be her daddy. A young Dylan grew up dancing on her father's feet and sitting in his lap while she pretended to drive his white Chevy. They were best friends - he was her hero and she was the sun in his sky. When dating, Dylan often thought back to her dad's wise words. Her search for prince charming would always remind her of how much of a king her father was. When tragedy strikes unexpectedly, kings become memories and lessons becomes the scriptures she never fully understood. Guided by her father's voice, Dylan navigates her way through betrayal, assault, infidelity, and loss. As she struggles through the muddy waters of her womanhood, she finds herself hanging from the threads of men who never knew how to love her anyway. And if any of this sounds vaguely familiar, it should because She's Your Daughter Too."

First Edition

Autographed Copy $20.00 USD

Thank You

The Black Hole

Please read my first (of many) posts about my life changing experience at the Social Good Summit! SO EXCITED!

The Black Hole

I registered to the Social Good Summit for the first time ever this year. I consciously decided to come as press because I wanted to use the opportunity to absorb all the information I possibly could and hold myself accountable for relaying it.  I had never even heard about the summit before scrolling through my personal list of socially conscious tweeters.  (Following socially conscious accounts is relatively new for me so this was monumental) At the time of registration, the agenda was not yet available and I still had a sense that those three days would somehow change my life.   Once seated in the Digital Media Lounge with the agenda and my laptop in front of me, I was instantly overwhelmed.  There were...Read More

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Shared from +SocialGood

my joy

You are my October

You are my October
the autumn in my smile
the curling edges of my fallen leaves
your exhale is the crisp air beneath my wings
longer nights and ripe pumpkins find their way to my doorstep looking for you
there's a sweet aroma only you can bring
making me hungry simply from the thought of you 
the hues of you
the blues of you
smear across the sky and nighttime is always the right time to sip your cider
You are my October
not necessarily the perfect time for a vacation 
but no better time to reflect
a time to speak vows into the growing fog
a time to wear your breath on my neck
you warm me from the inside out
that tingly feeling down to my feet
the entire year waits for this moment
just to cuddle
I can feel you against my spine
Goosebumps in my fragile places
You are my October
the month so precious, I added life to it
laid down and let another person move through me just to witness its beauty
magical potions, wielding broomsticks, babies and suede love seats 
You are my October, just in time for me to count you as one of my blessings on Thanksgiving and as one of my favorite presents on Christmas
I've had enough time to practice my greeting
I've picked out the perfect sweaters and the best mahogany colored boots
I had more than enough time to wear the sun's hickeys before kissing the summer goodbye
You know how many stars have moved in the sky just to make room for you?
I have made room for you.  
Lay right here, my sweet October.

Kisses for Cancer

On August 17, 2013, the 1st Annual Kisses for Cancer Gala was amazing.  Held in the Cellar room of New York’s Pranna Lounge, the warm décor fit perfectly with the solemn moments planned for the night.  Gold curtains and tea light candles lined the tables additionally adorned with the reading materials provided by Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center.  Every table represented the following cancers: leukemia, prostate, colon, breast, myeloma, lymphoma, kidney, lung, bone, pancreatic, stomach and childhood. Decorated with candies of that particular color and notecards with the names of victims and statistics associated with that illness, every table had a purpose to educate and honor.  The drink menu also corresponded by color.

Also, wrapped in tiny scrolls were the previews to my first novel, appropriately revealing the chapter describing from the main character’s perspective on what it was like to live with cancer.

At these tables, ladies sat in their highest heels.  Their shimmering dresses were the perfect complements to their handsome dates.  Wall to wall, there were beautiful people – longtime friends reuniting, aunts and uncles chit chatting in the corners, sporadic flashes from the cameras and the DJ playing crowd favorites. Dj AlterEgo, who's only eighteen years old navigated the emotional celebration with classic R&B songs from the 90s from artists like 112 and then new hits from Beyonce.  His older brother, O'Shane the MC even created a special moment to introduce the song "Dance with My Father" by Luther Vandross which is one of my father's favorite songs.  Tearfully, I danced the in the arms of my godfather instead, to which he promised that he would do the same one day at my wedding.

Ironically, held on the same day as my father's passing, Kisses for Cancer was filled with true sentiment and sincerity.  Our guest speaker was a friend and college classmate of mine, Andrew Prince of Temple University, who revealed his own battle with a rare childhood cancer, which he was diagnosed with at 22 years old.  In a room full of his own peers, the startling admission brought everyone to tears.  It revealed that although, most of us are in our twenties, that feeling of being invincible is simply just a feeling.  By no means is anyone invincible, no matter how times, we escape the growing statistics of cancer.

In addition, we honored two mothers, Joy who recently lost her little girl Jada and Nadine, whose child is still fighting.  Briana, being the little fighter she is, was also in attendance but unfortunately was too sick to stay for the duration of the entire event.  Cancer was definitely in the room with almost 200 people.  The atmosphere was overflowing with a need for healing and comfort.  The guests were asked to raise their hand if they've ever encountered cancer and every single person's fingers reached toward the sky.  It was a sad and necessary reminder that there was work that needed to be done.  We also honored the names of people living and deceased that were sent to us by our guests and donators.  That same week, my college roommate and friend of thirteen years, Stacy McDonald lost her battle with liver cancer.  She too was among the name of angels.  

Nearly 200 guests watched in awe as singer, Carvens Lissaint serenaded them with the famous Sam Cooke song, A Change is Gonna Come.  His voice brought chills down the spine of everyone, as it was eerily reminiscent of our purpose and intention.  We were working toward change and we remained hopeful that with our efforts, a change is indeed coming. We danced, cried, spoke and clamored over handmade goodie bags well into the night.  Our female guests tried on different color lipsticks from the Lip Bar, courtesy of Melissa Butler and kissed canvases to signify the cancer they were affected by. Our guests came from all over the east coast came to support, our farthest visitors flying in from North Carolina and Florida.

Shane Lloyd, Bianca Singleton, Malisa Amado, Me & David Holliday

Everyone enjoyed multi-colored cupcakes and cake pops donated by two wonderful bakers - Jenn and Diana respectively.  These adorable pins in the shape of lips were donated by Kristin Logan and they too were in the different colors associated with cancer. Our artwork was photographed and designed by Shane Lloyd and David Holliday.  Their artistry will forever be linked to a cause bigger than we can even imagine.  Shane also photographed the event and David designed the cover for my first novel, She's Your Daughter Too, which was also inspired by my father's battle.  All in all, with well wishes and smiles, Kisses for Cancer was a success.  It did everything it was intended to do and then some.  Easily, it was one of the best nights of my life.  Though, the motivation for the event was sadly inspired by the death of my father, it was the first time in an entire year, I found purpose with my life, the one that was left behind to still be lived.

Ring the Alarm

His phone was like a fire alarm every time she called.  Get out the house, leave everything behind.  Material things turn into memories but your life will turn into a tragic ending if you don't get out in time.  I wish I could have.  I wish I could have ran out without my clothes, without my phone and whatever else I could have bought back easily but it wasn't that simple.  I had no intention of going anywhere.  I was going to stay, naked as the smoke hovered over me, and with each breath getting harder and harder to breathe.  I was going to stay.  It's hard to say why, not because I can't express it but because it feels insane.  I'll try anyway.

We have the type of sex that epic novels are made of, the type of sex that causes war on stretches of land between two territories that shouldn't even realize the other exists.  And it's the chemistry, the way his breath borrows mine to create a soft hum of ecstasy. We are biologically made for one another.  The taste of his skin would never starve me. My teeth sink into him like a lion's jaw into the soft flesh of a terrified zebra.  I mean, we are animals and I notice it even with my eyes closed.  The wetness of it all pouring down on us like rain in the islands, there's an earthquake coming from my pelvis and it feels good.  It feels really good to shake and tremble on the epicenter of his entire being – I live for moments like that so much so that I'm willing to die for them.  In those moments, I'm pretty sure I pray for pregnancy because I feel guilty if the only purpose of it is to feel good.  We can at least make another human being to replace us, as we are surely destroying ourselves with each stroke.  We will become like ancient ruins of Egypt if we keep it up. Once majestic and filled of purpose – soon just a sight to see, a reminder that something beautiful happened here.  I'm trembling even now at the thought of his grip on my shoulder blades and my grip surrounding his manhood in the pouring desires of my soul.  I couldn't leave even if I wanted to.  While everyone else is worried about the house burning down and while everybody's ears are ringing with the alarm, they don't know what we know.  They don't feel what we feel.  We are the fire.  We are necessary and dangerous at the same time.  We burn.  We suffocate one another in the mahogany of our flesh.  We claw in adoration of one another, a long streak of fingerprints indented in our skin.  If only we were that adamant about escaping.  I want to say that I love him, but love doesn't seem strong enough.  I want to tell you that I dream him, but dreams don't seem real enough.  I want to tell you that I need him, but necessity is not the same as addiction.  I breathe him, even if he's all smoke.   I touch him, even if he's all flame and I burn from the inside out because the alarm is not scary enough.  It's not loud enough.  It's not frightening enough for me to climb off of him.  I would rather die never having told this story than to live and not have a story at all.

I tripped over her shoes when I was walking in and my only consolation was that I would not trip over them upon my exit.  I knew this because I was sure, I would never leave.  Ring the alarm, we're staying.

rhyme

look closely, I lost my happy weight

nothing but bones left and half eaten cake

nothing crazier than the man who made you feel ugly

tell you to come over and stay late

i used to love him till it hurt

loved him till it felt like work

no pay, no vacation

nothing but sick days and faking

sat at my desk with false hope and real tears

more hickeys than passion 

those lonely nights add up to lonely years

everybody keeps reminding me i'm skinny

yeah, i lost 200 pounds of man

dark beard, skin like henny

lightheaded with woe 

getting high from the low

passing him in the street like i don't love that n..gga, so!?

kept frontin like i aint pray for him at night

like i aint call his name to the sky

grabbed a star from the moon 

just to bring me some light 

they don't tell you that love makes you mad 

they don't tell you that with all the love out there, there's nothing like the one you could have had

they don't tell you that

cuz nobody wants to tell you he ain't coming back