the act

of course, you're good at juggling everything.  you're a clown.
and sometimes we feel like we're in the audience but we're really a part of the act.

marriage

Post by Melissa Sassie Christian.

you.

you ignite the same flame that will set my house on fire

and i'm gonna wanna run back anyway

to pull the burning memories out before they crumble into ashes that spell your name

i look at you and my blood tingles

my chest heaves in excitement

my vision gets blurry and I'm left to only smell you

because when you walk into a room, that room becomes my world

and it spins with every step you take

you are the only flower in my forest

regret

i regret everything you do 

and none of who you are

you are the coagulation of impulse decisions

the bloodclot to my own intelligence 

and i weep over my lawless stupidity

i want so bad to dismiss you 

to kiss you 

just to turn around and miss you 

this is an unrequited love of self

for loving you is killing me 

and suicide is full of the unloved

Being Best Friends

Jay-Z and Beyonce don't keep their relationship a secret.  They keep it sacred.

You have to be your lover's best friend.  It's about the basics.  The foundation, the crux, the groundwork.  You have to be each other's best friend.  I've titled this year "The Recovery."  It has been almost 365 days of applying the lessons learned in the last year.  There have been epiphanies and condolences.  There have been whirlwinds of truth; the type of truths that knock you off your feet; that require you stand before God and weep.  How dangerous is shame?  It makes you lie to yourself, convince yourself that you deserve better while still living in a very mediocre manner.  It's a shame, it's a bleeding shame that we crumble underneath our own truths.  And we focus so hard on being the perfect partner and we forget to be an honest human.  

I may not always have a boyfriend, but I will have redemption.  It will always be within my grasp.  I always have the opportunity to become a phenomenal person, I just have to decide that being phenomenal is worth more than being afraid.

How many mistakes have I made?  Countless and yet there's been an improvement anyway.  This year, I can count the mistakes on hand.  Before, I had so many mistakes, I could fill a football field with the type of regret I had weighing down on my chest.  That's God's mercy moving.  It's not enough to fix everything but it's enough to have faith that everything will be fixed.

I'm probably not the girl you want on your arm, or the girl who made all the right decisions.  But I see you the way God sees you.  I see perfect blood in your veins.  I see sculpted excellence.  I could drink a case of you and still be on my feet for the simple fact that your humanity is so sobering with a divine lens.

You are magical and I probably don't deserve you.  Thank God we don't reap what we really sow.  And thank God, I'm different from you.  You stay even though you don't forgive me and I hide in the shadows and forgive you anyway.  But I miss my friend the most.  Not even his lips, or his skin, or the way his bones curve underneath his flesh.  I miss the faith he had in me.  I miss the days he thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world and I miss the days where I thought our love was sacred instead of thinking our flaws would be a spectacle.  Somewhere I started doubting the man, I started worrying myself with the concerns of others.  I started performing instead of living and I lost my best friend.  And I miss him in the most gentle way ever.  It's as if he was a beautiful flower in an unlikely place.  I wouldn't pluck him from the ground.  I would simply watch his petals dance in the wind.  I would just watch and inhale his scent.  I lost my best friend and now when I look at him, I'm just happy to be here.

Be your lover's best friend.  Friends have a way of making us feel safe.  That safe place, where you can lay your burdens at the door and roast your truths into the warm fireplace, that safe place is where healthy relationships are born...

Fall in love with your best friend.  And if the first time doesn't work, fall in love again anyway.  It is the wings of best friends that allow us to fly.

ex-static for the old him

I'm glad he didn't give me what I wanted.  It was nothing I needed.  When I told him to "leap," I never imagined it would be out of my arms.  I told him to chase whatever he had faith in.  I didn't prepare myself for him having faith in another woman. A part of me is happy for him, truly.  He is with the very thing that he has true faith in.  He is not making more empty memories with me.  He is not robbing me of a magnificent love.  He is freeing me from a mediocre one - one which was simply out of comfort.  I was his comfort zone, he had to move to really have a chance at living, at loving.  I was his safety net and what are safety nets for?  They're just there to tell you that you'll be ok when you leap and if you don't land on something amazing, you'll survive landing in something ordinary. It was time to put to use all that I taught him.

I thank him for not keeping me.  I served my purpose in his life and he served his purpose in mine and maybe when I finally left, her true purpose was revealed.  Maybe I made a better man of him and maybe he required me to be more than a safety net for someone else.  Either way, we taped each other back up, healed one another and put the other back into the world.  

I thank him for putting me back into the atmosphere.  I was lost in America; wounded by many and recovery was more of a burden than the light at the end of a very dark tunnel.  He loved me when I was broken and I loved him before he was a man. He was just a boy with deep dimples when I held him.  Still, it made us who we are.  It made him for her and it made me for...well me.  No matter how tall my tree grows, I will always bear his fruit; ripe with experience and soft to the touch.

Danny and Annie

Don't read any of this until you watch the video above.

Loving intimately after losing someone is a strange thing.  Last month, my ex-boyfriend passed away from the same disease that took my father.  Since then, every opportunity to love again is overshadowed by this crippling fear.  And let me be more specific, losing Daddy has raised questions and concerns I never considered before.  Every time I see a wedding, I think to myself, who's going to walk me down the aisle or who's going to lean into my husband's ear and demand that he take care of me.  And every time I think of love, I think of sickness.  Will he love me when my hair starts to fall out? Will he help me get out of bed when my knees are too weak to carry me?  Will he be strong enough to watch me die?  In sickness and in health stands out to me now.  Every time I think of love, I think of death and if I will find someone to love me through that.  I'm terrified.  That's what losing daddy does.

The last two days, I feel like I started being self-sabotage Tass.  I started to pull myself away from it.  The fear hovered above me like an overcast and I wish I could define it for you.  I wish I could define it for myself.  My dad was my first love and the video reminds me of that - how hard it is to lose and how all the preparation in the world doesn't make it easier.  

While love is love, romance changes often.  Love letters and intimate dinners used to be romantic.  And now, letting me watch my favorite show even if football is on is pretty romantic.  Or telling me that I'm still beautiful with only half of my hair blow-dried.  Romance changes and I guess, the fear is that I won't find a love grand enough to survive something as scary as cancer.  Daddy said the same thing Danny said, 'he has a poor gift for me and it's himself but he gives it to me anyway.'  

I have no fear that I won't find someone amazing like that or that I haven't already. I just want to know if like Danny and Daddy, will he love me to death?

[thank you Tyler for the video]

Press Play

I guess it's like all of the stars falling out of the sky
Their whiteness plunging into the darkness of the sea beneath them 
The world wouldn't even know what to do if the entire ceiling opened up weeping its condolences
We'd stand there feeling small, reminded how heavy the earth can be 
and how even its seams have breaking points
I feel like that's what cancer is...
falling stars
misguided light
misunderstood energy
It's a loss too great to bear and too much to fathom
and we can't even catch the burden
it slips through our weak fingers 
too unprepared for the unimaginable
and you want to scream
you want to yell into the darkness
but your pride convinces you that it will only do more harm
because God forbid, someone hears you
God forbid that anyone hear you
and if only sound travelled at the speed of light
the pain would cause explosions in the sky
every star is a grave
every grave is a star that gave up
that fell out of the sky
that realized heaven isn't that comfortable
and even with all of the things you've dreamed of
no gift is greater than life
no gift feels as good as breathing
but what's a gift to cancer?
what does a gift even mean to cancer?
cancer's never woken up early on Christmas morning to even know what gifts feel like
never 
and now, the people that it takes won't feel that Christmas morning joy ever again
and they won't see the sky crumble upon their arrivals
and we'll never get to see them in their wings
we'll never see their faces full with healthy blushing blood
and we'll never hear their laughs carried by the wind again
but we will see the sky crumble 
we will see the magnificence of pain and we will feel the weight of all the angels above us
and there, we will crumble too

She's Your Daughter Too

My dear family, friends and gracious supporters, It's been a long time coming and it's been a wonderful journey. In 2009, I started this blog as a homework assignment and slowly but surely, it's changed my life. I am so blessed to have experiences, support and a gift that allowed me to transform my entire world, imaginative and real into an eternal body of work. Your unconditional love and encouragement has shaped me into not only an author but a woman of tremendous faith that the human race is powerful beyond measure.

I present to you, 25 exclusive FIRST EDITION copies of my first novel, She's Your Daughter Too.

"A girl's first love should always be her daddy. A young Dylan grew up dancing on her father's feet and sitting in his lap while she pretended to drive his white Chevy. They were best friends - he was her hero and she was the sun in his sky. When dating, Dylan often thought back to her dad's wise words. Her search for prince charming would always remind her of how much of a king her father was. When tragedy strikes unexpectedly, kings become memories and lessons becomes the scriptures she never fully understood. Guided by her father's voice, Dylan navigates her way through betrayal, assault, infidelity, and loss. As she struggles through the muddy waters of her womanhood, she finds herself hanging from the threads of men who never knew how to love her anyway. And if any of this sounds vaguely familiar, it should because She's Your Daughter Too."

First Edition

Autographed Copy $20.00 USD

Thank You