of course, i'm sick. that makes sense.

i'm sick. sinus infection. pale face. eating like a pregnant elephant to replenish my failing immune system. wearing a down vest in the damn house. have the windows open but the heat on. man. i'm sick and it's all @danigirlbx's fault. sister or not, some things should just be kept to yourself.

you thought i was playing when i said wearing a down vest in the house?

i don't even look like a black girl anymore [whatever that looks like].  and by that i mean, all the sun my ancestors got from working in the fields is gone, i'm out here looking like a newborn.  i didn't pose for that picture either, i just happened to turn when i realized dead presidents was on tv.  i don't watch too many movies and barely any tv but i know the classics.  i wish i could catch up on some classics while i beat this sickness, but unfortunately, it's three days before homecoming. i have things to do before i celebrate with my alma mater.  i'll probably be in worse condition when i get back and that's absolutely fine.

in the middle of the night

on nights like this i remember days like that
where dreams color inside the lines of nightmares
fuzzy shadows dance on the walls as they tiptoe across the carpet to the head of the bed
you place your hands on her forehead feeling her warmth in your fingertips
maybe tonight you'll spare her
maybe you'll be too tired to wear her out
maybe the wish she dreamed upon a star will come true tonight and you'll pass her by
if only dreams came true that fast
you put your seething lips on hers
her eyelids tighten and somewhere she believes if she stays still enough, you'll leave
but you don't
she needs to breathe and her respiratory functions remind you that she's alive enough to still be considered prey
and so you feast on her quietly
invading her space, taking all that you can handle
leaving nothing for her to rebuild or reform
her insides ridden with litter left over from hurricane katrina and her spirit shaken like haiti
we forget how man and land can be the same humanity, resembling one another in likeness and loss
nonetheless, wreckage remains
there are some thieves that steal childhoods
invaluable moments of time that have a statute of limitations in the courtroom but not in the mind
and whether he's there or not, when she closes her eyes to go to sleep, she always feels his hand on her forehead.

someone sent me this at the right time.

see me now.

i've been a fan of mr. west since high school.  i've followed his music, his artistry and his personal life since i first heard him spit through a metal clad jaw.  but this isn't to talk about his music, although he's come out with a song every week leading up to his album release. good songs too.  this is simply a very nice picture. coming from someone who barely likes pictures, everything about this i love.  the french writing in the back with translates into 'the first,' the black on black everything and of course the smile.  i just like it. as a matter of fact, i love it.

day 28 challenge

'language of the past' qualifies as my answer for day 27 challenge.  it wasn't until i read it that i realized it's the answer to 'why did i take the 30 day challenge.' that's good evidence that this challenge is doing what it's supposed to do.  at the end of it, i'll disclose exactly what that is.  but today is day 28. a picture of me last year and how have i changed since then.

this picture is about two weeks shy of a year ago but this is all i could find.  photo credit to @danigirlbx. she's the historian of my life apparently.  last year, you can tell i was a thick joint. i had a couple pounds on me. they say happy people eat and if i remember correctly, i was happy.  how have i changed? i'm not so happy. that doesn't mean i'm sad, just indifferent.  for starters, i lost some of that weight. there goes my chances of being ms. new booty. i'm not in a relationship and that's a HUGE change.  sometimes, i still can't believe we're not together. i'm not in undergrad anymore and that's a BIGGER change.  colossal events have taken place but as far as who i am, i haven't changed as much as the things/people around me have.  i'm still wearing rose colored glasses thinking each day will be better than the last. i'm still a mom to one the most eccentric children i've ever had the pleasure of meeting. i still eat pretzels and spaghetti like their going out of style.  who i am is who i've always been just with bigger hair.  

so today...a year later...

i've learned that being in a different place is not necessarily better or worse.  i've also learned that it's ok to be angry and then change your mind. i've gotten more comfortable with the things i've been through.  i've learned to edit, to go back and look at things more than once.  funny enough, i don't read my own blog, once i post it, i figure it's yours to keep.  now i'm learning that i can retouch a few things. haven't done it, but at least i'm willing now.  i'm in lust as someone eloquently told me.  though i haven't decided if that's true or not, i'm definitely in a place i haven't been in before.  i'm enjoying the little things, phone calls, text messages, trips - things that i always needed in the big picture, never leading up to it.  i've also been doing a better job with keeping in touch, not great yet but just a little bit better.  oh! and i'm learning how to budget. it's a painful experience but i'm pushing through it, slowly.  the most important change is that i write so MUCH more than i did this time last year.  though i was too busy living life to write about it then, now i'm so in love with writing that life is only enhanced by it, not limited.  all in all, i'm the same womam but this time different rules apply.

who knows it all?

football season is in full effect and basketball season is blooming, which has a profound effect on my blogging abilities on sundays and mondays.  though watching sports is a fairly masculine trait according to the gender rules we abide by, the fact remains, i'm still very much a woman.  and because i'm a woman, i know exactly how it feels to be thrown to the wayside to watch first downs, punts and incomplete passes.  i have the sports center app on my phone.  i programmed my favorite teams and the teams to watch in football, baseball and basketball and when they start playing, i get alerts on every highlight, touchdown, timeout, penalty etc, during the game.  my friend who shall remain anonymous HATES it, primarily because i'll look at my phone and start screaming out of nowhere.  what can i say? sometimes the game gets intense.  this just leads me into who we are and what we expect from one another as men and women.

as far as gender roles go, letting a man feel like a man doesn't have to make you feel less than a woman.  i know and he knows that i am quite capable of opening a door or pulling out my own chair.  however, if doing those things makes him feel like my knight in shining armor, then for the sake of his ego and my nail polish,  i will simply say thank you.  anytime you're looking for a knight in shining armor, that means you have to be a damsel in distress of some sort. i never saw a prince just roll up on a woman working a nine to five, changing her own tire and drinking a heineken during monday night football.
i'm just saying. the term 'damsel in distress' is not used here as a sign of weakness but rather an opening for someone else to give you some balance. let's face it, you won't be good at everything and you physically cannot do it ALL.  i just think that your significant other, also known as prince charming is supposed to be that pause that gives you time to put your pieces back in order.  he [or she] is supposed to be the part of the day you look forward to, knowing that you can find grace in your heart by hearing the beating of theirs.  whether it's watching a movie or getting a bad phone call, there's something about the two of you that makes even the worst things bearable and the good things better.  i say these things like i'm in a relationship but since single men can talk about relationships, then a single AND competent woman can do the same.  speaking of single men talking about relationships, what gives y'all the right and not single women?  you must think that single and bitter are synonyms.  they're not.  considering that from what i've witnessed, your previous relationships usually involved YOU f.cking up in some form or fashion, what entitles you more so than i?  is your experience coming from a place of lessons learned by the bad guy or do you just believe that in the midst of your f.ckedupness [i made that word up], you've returned to the logical part of your brain from which you can give advice without having taken any? i'm just asking.

back to the topic.
in every fairytale, the prince saves her, comforts her when she is afraid and will go to the ends of the earth for her because no one else would.  out of all the things to be mad at a man for, i don't think any of those things qualify.  and in return for rescuing his queen, slaying dragons and taking the day off just to spend it with you, please let him watch monday night football. consider it, king arthur's round table.  i promise you, he'll come to your chambers as soon as it's over.

the language of your past

being a victim is temporary but being a survivor? well, that's something you can be for the rest of your life.

it's safe to say that this 30 day challenge has taken me longer than 30 days. i'm five days overdue but anything different wouldn't be me.  i started this challenge because writing means that much to me. i don't want a day to come where i'm complacent with this talent/skill to the point where i stop striving to become more open to it.  considering i told myself that i would write 600 words a day, this challenge has helped me get closer and then beyond that goal.  if you've noticed, my posts have become longer.  they've become very demanding of your attention.   maybe i have more to say or maybe it's what i'm saying but this writing has been pushing me closer to the edge lately.  every time i sit down to stare at this blog, it screams at me to write until i feel a little closer to freedom.  i can't complain about that at all.  while contemplating the direction of this blog, i discovered another dream.  besides writing this book, i need this book to become part of the curriculum in schools mainly because i think it will be a coming of age novel.  what young woman doesn't need that in high school?  i want to be the type of writer that not only connects with the audience but is a representative of that audience.  i don't want to be a mystery writer who no one ever sees or understands. i would hope that when someone reads what i've written, they can imagine me sipping a coca-cola typing away with my elephantastic finger nail polish listening to adele in the background.  i believe the imagery is as important as the vernacular.  i believe in the experience altogether.  and just when i thought that reading was a dying art, this blog has taught me that you are indeed reading and seeking out information that is relative to your lives. that's something to believe in.  despite my nonchalant writing style in this blog, i actually give a f.ck about grammar but since these thoughts rush out of my mind, i dare not filter them with a quest for grammatical perfection. but trust, i was once an English major, i get it and i'll do it, when i feel like it.

moving right along.  i had a conversation with one of my best friends today as we lounged on the couch discussing the new women we've become.  i was reading her blog, which showcases her photography but every so often she adds a few words.  she ended up showing me some sneak previews that took me to another level.  she's a very literal person so when she writes about something, she writes about its function.  plain and straight to the point.  you would think that it would be easy to read her stuff or have a conversation with her but for me, it never is. we are constantly bickering about the words we use in our conversations because she says one thing and i hear a next. what should be a five second conversation ends up being a fifteen minute "i thought you meant," "but that's not what you said," "b.tch you're confused" fiasco.  even in that madness, we always come to the conclusion that our differences have only shed light on how similar we are.  in the midst of the conversation, we had one of those moments.  i wrote something that i thought was very direct and she thought it was the exact opposite.

so she asked me bit by bit to break down each sentence of what i wrote.  never in my life have i ever spoken that particular story so candidly.  i've found ways to water down the story over the years to make it more bearable for myself.  but she asked and because she's been nothing but an open book for me, i realized that i owed her that much.  she deserved to know the person she was sitting next to and has been for the last ten years.  either way, she took me to a dark place, a place that i had buried so deep that i couldn't even feel anything for.  when i was telling her the story, it was almost as if i wasn't talking about myself but rather a girl i used to know.  but at least i told her the story, at least i spoke it into the reality of the woman i am now.  one day, i'm sure i will let the story out one day whether it's in the blog or the book but her desire for the truth did teach me something.  i learned that it is one thing to warn someone of danger but it is another thing to prepare them for it.

bad things happen to good people.  people rob the innocence of children.  sometimes the devil will know your name and your address. love doesn't always conquer all.  you can be pro-life until it's your life.  your memories can be nightmares. one day, you will wake up and wish you didn't but you did. the mere fact that you woke up is clear evidence that there is a purpose waiting for you to find it.  your purpose is big enough to carry all of your baggage for you - the good, the bad and the overweight.

day 25 challenge

now i can catch up to how i feel about my friends now that i've started on my relationships in a descending [descending having no bearing on priority] order.

my friends are my emergency contacts.  they are the seams that keep my stitching tight. they are the ones that listen to words i haven't spoken and read stories i haven't written yet.  i have pulled them into my life as individual, functioning parts that work to keep me whole.  i know that without them, i would be dead. there's no doubt in my mind.  no matter how we feel about suicide, the reality is that a lot of people face it every day and i'm no different.  but then i think, who will tell @danigirlbx how great her pictures are or who will snuggle with @melz_621, etc...there's too many of them to keep going.  the point is that because i feel like i owe them my life, my responsibilities to them keep me going.  i know you're probably saying, who would contemplate suicide when you have a child but honestly, mothers are no exception to grief.  just because i've thought about suicide doesn't mean i'm considering it.  i thought about dying [no pun intended] my bang blue but i have no intention of doing it, so don't get your knickers in a bunch. God spare life, i'll blog every day if it means you'll know i'm still alive. needless to say, my friends are my angels on earth.  they are the people that remember every allergy, every entry, every weird and quirky thing about me when they don't have to.  they recognize that i am not perfect and they love me in ways that inspire me to at least do better.  they are the most intimate parts of me and their happiness could bring me to tears if ever threatened and my friends know that crying is not my thing.

i could write all day about my friends who are really favors God granted me.  the easiest way to describe how i feel about them though is this: i'm in love.

day 24 challenge

i really started my day 25 challenge about my friends first but then i had to stop.  there's no way i can talk about my friends without first addressing my parents.  so here goes.

day 24 challenge - a letter to my parents.

i'm glad my grandmother raised me because i could never seem to find a middle ground between the two of you long enough to find some balance.  i know you've given me a lot to be thankful for - a clean house, good food and most of what i wanted within reason. you gave me the opportunity to go to good schools and make decisions for myself.  i was blessed beyond measure but there were still things i needed from the both of you that had a profound effect on the woman i've become. i know by now that you've noticed i have a talent for writing.  every time you look at me, i'm typing away on my computer updating a blog you've never read, a blog you've never had the desire to read. a part of me doesn't want you to read anything i write anyway because in the past when i've tried to divulge pieces of me, you've ripped them to shreds with negative comments or judgements because i'm not writing about fairytales and unicorns.  then when you see the damage you've done from the look of disappointment in my face, you save the day, with saying, "you're a good writer though." am i supposed to say thank you? you raised me to be polite so i will say thank you for recognizing that i can write well but that doesn't mean i haven't noticed that it's not good enough to make you sit down and read it.  and mom, for the record, i have no desire to write children's books.  in the middle of an argument one day, you tried to prove to me how well you know me and that's what came out of your mouth.  it couldn't have been further from the truth about me but it was a perfect example of the truth about you.  you both spent so much time providing and taking care of me that you never got to know me.  i guess that's why life is so bittersweet to me.  i would give up everything i own just to hear you say the name of my favorite book or what my biggest fear is but you have no idea. and it's not because i never wanted to tell you but rather because you never bothered to ask.
i remember the day i stopped talking to you, mom more so than dad. i never really talked to you daddy, i just listened. you told me to be seen and not heard, so when you came around, i just took your advice.  but mom, i remember the day like it was yesterday, it's etched in my mind like september 11. details don't even matter because the point is everything came crashing down.  i tried to tell you something that was important to me, that was monumental, that would shake the very core of the family you wanted so desperately for me to have.  but instead of protecting me, instead of standing up for me, you dismissed me. you didn't have an ounce of concern in your face for what had frightened me so much that it took five or six years to even speak the words into the atmosphere.  when i walked out of your room that day, i vowed to never tell you anything else. i was twelve. i was twelve years old when i decided that you were no longer my mother because mothers were supposed to protect their children at any cost. they were supposed to be the one person who would kill and die for their child and you couldn't do either. you didn't fit into my definition of a mother and so i learned to co-exist instead of feel.  when i used to come home after school and practice and close my door, you thought i was going through puberty, i was going through hell.
and daddy. i'm so much like you, it's scary. i inherited your need for control in your emotional relationships and your temper - two ugly things in a very pretty little girl.  but i also inherited your sense of charm and intelligence which makes people feel close to me without ever really being close at all.  from you, i have learned how to be loved without loving, which can make a lot of people mad. their anger, though justified in addition to their unrequited love is still no match for the ferocious temper i have.  i'm not proud to say that not only can i spit words like venom, but i have no problem doing so.  it makes it easier to move on from someone when you hurt them so bad that every time you look at them, you can only see the damage.  but then again, we're both leos, born a week apart from one another.  so not only was i born as the leader of my jungle, your royalty runs in my veins.  but you know what always crosses my mind? the lion of a tribe never marries. he sleeps with different people at different phases of his life leaving pieces of himself scattered.  but he's so busy protecting and maintaining the duties of his social position, that he never makes the time to be vulnerable.  he doesn't get to cry, he doesn't get to sleep. he gives and gives and gives from a source that never empties. then he dies, relatively young leaving a lasting impression on all those who he impacted but never having been impacted by someone himself on a comparable level.  if i am to be anything like the lion or like you, my father, i already know that my desire to keep giving will never leave me empty but it will also never satisfy me.  another bittersweet moment of my existence.
as fas as the two of you together, i won't blame you for the relationships i've had or the relationships i won't. but i will say this, the way a man treats a woman in front of their child is where that child defines love, romanticism and the elements of an intimate relationship.  when i moved out to go to college, i had no definitions and created my own in a haste that at the time did me more harm than good.  daddy, i wished i would have seen you pull out chairs for mommy or take her on vacations.  i wished you showed up to the house when you said you would because a child was not meant to watch their own mother's heartbreak.  and mommy, i wish you loved yourself as much as you love daddy. at least then you would have recognized your worth and been able to teach me how to calculate my own. back to you daddy, even though i know how your mind operates when it comes to love, i couldn't help but hope that you would spare my mother.  for the record, i've never heard you say i love you to her and i can't remember the last time you even told me.  the unrequited love thing runs deep under the broken shards of  what we've tried to call a family.
but the greatest thing you both have taught me, that i've only recently started to value is that you're human. mommy and daddy are not superhuman. just a man and a woman who couldn't bank on intimacy to foot the expensive bill children come with.  the more i realize how human you both are, the more forgiveness seems divine.  whether we've done the best we can we the opportunities we were all given or not, i'm eternally grateful for the opportunity anyway.
i have parents, two people that may not know how to love me but have spent my entire life trying. A+ for effort.

p.s. i think it's pretty cool that my initials are a combination of your own.

candid camera

there were two men, two women and plenty of fireworks.  they sat around the kitchen table discussing the fundamentals of relationships they had, they lost and were trying to have in the future.  insert a box of Heineken here and find out what we learned and what we taught, verbatim.

characters: the guru, mike lowry, the camera woman and ms. i look like i'm spanish but i'm not

background information: mike lowry and the camera woman are sleeping together. how typical of mike lowry.  in reference to their sexual performance, the guru gives mike lowry all the credit (must be a guy thing). the camera woman, deeply offended by the lack of acknowledgment for her role in the bedroom is shocked that she didn't hear [keyword being: hear] any corrections from mike lowry. she questions mike lowry, who in return feels offended himself because he did correct the guru, whether the camera woman heard it or not. scene.

guru: i tried to tell her, "camera woman, you f.cked up" but you know what keyshia cole, beyonce, tyra banks, madea does now? in his best imitation of a woman's voice: 'is he mad at me? he's really not gonna talk to me?' in regular voice: i thought you was all my single ladies. you had the all my single ladies voice. the guru begins to re-enact the popular dance video by Beyonce for her hit song 'Single Ladies.' Oh oh oh oh oh oh, hand flapping and everything.
the camera woman: now this. laughs hysterically.
mike lowry: like she directly came at me.
the camera woman: when i come at you, you'll know son.
mike lowry: no, when you come at me, you'll know i'll realize that sh.t. i know when i'm gonna get upset so i separate myself from the situation. i know me.
the guru: it was one of our friend's birthday so he got up to go take a shower. in his best imitation of a woman's voice: she's like 'did he really leave? he's not gonna talk to me? oh my gosh.
the camera woman: oh my goodness. i didn't sound like that! laughs.
guru: in his best imitation of a woman's voice: i can't blog anymore. go knock on the door.
mike lowry: ha! did she really say that? wait, did you tell him to knock on the door?
guru: i told her, no he's naked
the camera woman: don't ask me nothing.
mike lowry: she told you to knock on the door, she told you that sh.t? smiles
guru: yes she did.
mike lowry: n.gga if you woulda knocked on the door, i woulda answered the door butt ass nekkid.
guru: then we woulda had a problem. looks over at camera woman. then we would have had a problem.
the camera woman: laughs.

clearly, everyone had to agree to disagree. mike lowry is currently seeking help for his short temper and the camera woman is the only one allowed to knock on the bathroom door during his shower.  the guru continued to practice the dance moves from the 'Single Ladies' video until the next scene.

the camera woman: the question of the night is "if a girl is good at oral sex, does she give a lot of it?"
guru: she's done it a lot
mike lowry: i'm not saying she's done it a lot. what i'm saying is first thought, it's just like everything in life. i'm gonna think that you've been practicing, practicing until your perfect. is that so hard to believe? if i'm good at ball, you're gonna say i've been playing ball for a while.  if you're good at it, i'm gonna assume you're sucking d.ck you're putting in work. from any male's point of view or any athlete's point of view, to be good at something you have to practice.
guru: you're sucking d.ck. michael jordan ain't wake up dunking.
mike lowry: (insert real name here) sucks good dick!
HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER. THE CAMERA DROPS FOR FIFTEEN SECONDS.
guru: hey! laughs. come on, we're blogging!
mike lowry: hello! lol 
ms. i look like i'm spanish but i'm not: laughs. no, you can't say her name like that in the blog.

mike lowry: ok. laughs. we can start over.

guru: the camera woman sucks good dick! laughs.

mike lowry: the camera woman sucks good dick! laughs.

the camera woman:  laughs. i can edit that out. go ahead. i fucking hate you. laughs.

guru: you gonna take out 'the camera woman sucks good dick?'

the camera woman: i can

guru: that's part of our blog, the nerve of you

mike lowry: she sucks good dick that's why i said it. i was like "(insert real name here) what's up?"

mike lowry: how many times she said she suck dick?

guru: roll em!

mike lowry: exactly. she's been doing this son. and i was like 'yo why you lied to me like you sucked dick a handful of times?' she was like, in his best impersonation of the camera woman 'i don't know what you talking about, blah blah blah.' i didn't mean no offense, i said it jokingly too like, girls i know that can suck dick have been sucking dick

the camera woman: the reason i was so offended was because you acted like it was so impossible. if you read or watch whatever, you can learn. it's not that hard.

mike lowry: like brandy said in cinderella 'impossible things happen every day.' [yes, a grown ass man quoted cinderella] you know what i'm saying

guru: it's just like eating the box

the camera woman: no! eating the box is totally different because everyone woman is built different but y'all are all built the same!

guru & mike lowry in unison: no. we're not built the same

guru: every man likes different things when it comes to head.

the guru and mike lowry go into a vivid description of how they respond while receiving oral sex. needless to say mike lowry feels that oral sex is just the beginning. he's not going to let his lady friend get the best of him. he simply cannot succumb (no pun intended) to the woman's talents. the guru on the other hand ejaculates, says he's drunk and tired and takes the loss. he prides himself on being a great loser. the camera woman and ms. i look like i'm spanish but i'm not decide that mike lowry needs to take his losses and accept that a woman has done the damn thing. meanwhile the guru admits he loses a lot. hysterical laughing.

mike lowry: maybe you [camera woman] should be flattered instead of offended. n.ggas get their dick sucked. 

guru: yes we do. i do.

mike lowry: like i've gotten my dick sucked more times than i've fucked. real talk.

the camera woman: shakes head. that's disgusting.

guru: no it's not

mike lowry: girls come over just to suck your dick and fuckin' leave

guru: and LEAVE.

the camera woman: that's ridiculous

mike lowry: they'll suck his dick and sleep on the couch. remember her? remember her?

guru: i do remember her!

the camera woman: shoutout to that b.tch

mike lowry: to camera woman you suck dick like girls who suck dick every day.

the camera woman: well...laughs. i'm flattered

guru: if you can suck dick like a girl who sucks dick every day then damn

ms. i look like i'm spanish but i'm not: maybe that means that there's something special about me then

mike lowry: that's what i'm saying, why not take it as a compliment instead of insulting

ms. i look like i'm spanish but i'm not: it's all about delivery though

mike lowry: i can call two girls right now that will suck both of our dicks and go the fuck home with y'all sitting right there

the camera woman: that's riduclous

guru: y'all should leave

the camera woman: i feel like for the girls who do it rarely, they want to do it and that's why it's so much better. i'm doing it because i want to. i'm gonna do it when i feel like it.

ms. i look like i'm spanish but i'm not: exactly

mike lowry: when she [points to camera woman] sucks dick, she does a great job

guru: camera woman?

mike lowry: yes, when camera woman sucks dick, she does a GREAT job

guru: claps

mike lowry to guru: she's up there with those we've been like, she's been sucking dick for a while

guru: like when i came out like "oooooh!"

mike lowry to guru: like that bitch! when you got turned out!

guru: i gotta give you [camera woman] a pound for that sh.t.

mike lowry: he [guru] was like n.gga she sucked my dick! my toes were curling

guru: they were genuinely curling laughs

camera woman: just don't doubt us

mike lowry: i'm saying you suck dick great

guru: it's a badge of honor

camera woman: so do you kiss when you're having sex?

mike lowry & the guru in unison: no

camera woman: what's the deciding factor?

guru: we don't kiss the hoes

mike lowry: but i'm sure you slipped up and kissed a hoe, i know i have like sh.t

guru: yes i have. this bitch caught me. fuck!

mike lowry: shit this bitch kissed me

camera woman: with the exception of the ones that catch you, how do you evade them?

guru: you cradle the head

mike lowry: you lead her

guru: caress the head, you guide her

mike lowry to camera woman: you can't see that?

camera woman: shakes her head

mike lowry: i'm gonna have sex tonight without kissing

guru: got you

camera woman: no you're not. laughs. n.gga shut up

guru: how you know he's not camera woman?

mike lowry: how you know i'm not?

camera woman: laughs. don't get snatched up on film

guru: do you have proof of that camera woman?

camera woman: he [mike lowry] he could try that if he wants to. you could try that.

guru: with who?

mike lowry: what's up? she knows something we don't

guru: i don't know. looks at camera woman. with who?

camera woman: who are you gonna have sex with without kissing tonight?

mike lowry: the girl who's gonna sleep in my bed

camera woman: hmm

guru: as he said i'm going to have sex tonight without kissing, camera woman jumps up, NO he's not. 

camera woman: why would you do that? why would you purposely try and fuckin sabotage the experience?

guru: time out. is he having sex with you?

camera woman: laughs. excuse me, the camera woman does not divulge the activities of her va-jay-jay.

guru: then what made you jump up and say, 'no you're not?'

camera woman: i don't believe in sabotaging the experience for a project

mike lowry: you see her [camera woman] slapping her thigh

guru: slaps table. just like we don't believe if you say you're good at giving head and you barely ever give head

camera woman: alright do what ya'll want, believe what you want. just don't get fucked up. don't let today be the day you get fucked up. that's all i'm saying.

after the threats hit the atmosphere, camera woman and ms. i look like i'm spanish but i'm not were surprised to find out that after long periods of sex, when a man is ready to ejaculate, he thinks of someone else instead of his current lover.  this led into an uproar from the female participants, such that the guru and mike lowry ran out the room. the camera woman and ms. i look like i'm spanish but i'm not decided to change into pajamas. when all parties calmed down the conversation resumed.  soon enough, another argument ensued when the men disclosed with no remorse that it's fucked up but it happens.  they tried to compare the female reaction to trey songz, chris brown and idris elba to justify their actions. the females retorted that though they felt the men were attractive, they did not think of them in the bedroom when with their partners.  the men soon copped a plea and revealed that neither of them had ever thought of anyone else if and when they slept with the camera woman/ms. i look like i'm spanish but i'm not. smart move. the women were still in shock at the male disregard for the woman right in front of them to which they stood firm in their statement that it happens because sex will eventually get boring with the same person.  in an effort to offer some comfort, the guru and mike lowry gave the example of sleeping with a girl but thinking about their girlfriend instead.  now that's really fucked up so they thought that once the women knew that little tidbit of information, they would be pleased. the camera woman and ms. i look like i'm spanish but i'm not were in fact, not pleased at all. 

when men and women sit down to talk, there's bound to be entertainment.  though it's easy to say that we don't speak the same language, that's simply not true.  we just have a hard time accepting certain things about the opposite sex. we hear it we don't understand.  it will probably stay that way for the rest of earth's existence but the trick is to find a person you're at least willing to understand, especially when you really don't.

thank you!

i know some of these posts can blur the line between fiction and reality but somewhere, it's happening to someone. that's what matters most.  i know it's difficult to decipher the difference between storytelling and documenting personal events but there is certainly a reason as to why i switch between first person and third person.  it honestly doesn't matter who is going through these things. what matters is that someone is and because no one likes to feel alone, they shouldn't have to. not everyone will start a blog and not everyone will write in their diary but since everyone can relate, it's only right that they're given a voice.

so yes, these posts serve as my release but they are also reminders that documented emotions cannot be ego driven or purposely written to accommodate the views and likes of others. these words have been written to inspire, relate and divulge.  all of me to all you in due time.

oh and i definitely read ALL of your comments, whether it's an email, a text, a tweet or however else you choose to contact me.  i can't say enough how much i appreciate it. i literally screamed out loud when i found out over 3,000 of you logged in to read my thoughts. thank you, thank you, thank you.  after much debate about how to address your comments, @danigirlbx came up with a great idea. i will respond to every single one of them on thursdays.  i will dedicate a whole post to respond to your thoughts, your questions and your ideas, just to say thank you for reading. and it'll be much easier to find considering you don't have to go back to the post you commented on to see if i responded.  this blog has grown in ways i never imagined. it started as a class assignment, then it turned into the things i've noticed, then into the things i've felt, then into detailed accounts of different experiences and now it's a conversation i feel like i'm having with everyone who checks the page.  i just wanted to say thank you essentially and that i really appreciate that you're taking this journey with me.