being a victim is temporary but being a survivor? well, that's something you can be for the rest of your life.
it's safe to say that this 30 day challenge has taken me longer than 30 days. i'm five days overdue but anything different wouldn't be me. i started this challenge because writing means that much to me. i don't want a day to come where i'm complacent with this talent/skill to the point where i stop striving to become more open to it. considering i told myself that i would write 600 words a day, this challenge has helped me get closer and then beyond that goal. if you've noticed, my posts have become longer. they've become very demanding of your attention. maybe i have more to say or maybe it's what i'm saying but this writing has been pushing me closer to the edge lately. every time i sit down to stare at this blog, it screams at me to write until i feel a little closer to freedom. i can't complain about that at all. while contemplating the direction of this blog, i discovered another dream. besides writing this book, i need this book to become part of the curriculum in schools mainly because i think it will be a coming of age novel. what young woman doesn't need that in high school? i want to be the type of writer that not only connects with the audience but is a representative of that audience. i don't want to be a mystery writer who no one ever sees or understands. i would hope that when someone reads what i've written, they can imagine me sipping a coca-cola typing away with my elephantastic finger nail polish listening to adele in the background. i believe the imagery is as important as the vernacular. i believe in the experience altogether. and just when i thought that reading was a dying art, this blog has taught me that you are indeed reading and seeking out information that is relative to your lives. that's something to believe in. despite my nonchalant writing style in this blog, i actually give a f.ck about grammar but since these thoughts rush out of my mind, i dare not filter them with a quest for grammatical perfection. but trust, i was once an English major, i get it and i'll do it, when i feel like it.
moving right along. i had a conversation with one of my best friends today as we lounged on the couch discussing the new women we've become. i was reading her blog, which showcases her photography but every so often she adds a few words. she ended up showing me some sneak previews that took me to another level. she's a very literal person so when she writes about something, she writes about its function. plain and straight to the point. you would think that it would be easy to read her stuff or have a conversation with her but for me, it never is. we are constantly bickering about the words we use in our conversations because she says one thing and i hear a next. what should be a five second conversation ends up being a fifteen minute "i thought you meant," "but that's not what you said," "b.tch you're confused" fiasco. even in that madness, we always come to the conclusion that our differences have only shed light on how similar we are. in the midst of the conversation, we had one of those moments. i wrote something that i thought was very direct and she thought it was the exact opposite.
so she asked me bit by bit to break down each sentence of what i wrote. never in my life have i ever spoken that particular story so candidly. i've found ways to water down the story over the years to make it more bearable for myself. but she asked and because she's been nothing but an open book for me, i realized that i owed her that much. she deserved to know the person she was sitting next to and has been for the last ten years. either way, she took me to a dark place, a place that i had buried so deep that i couldn't even feel anything for. when i was telling her the story, it was almost as if i wasn't talking about myself but rather a girl i used to know. but at least i told her the story, at least i spoke it into the reality of the woman i am now. one day, i'm sure i will let the story out one day whether it's in the blog or the book but her desire for the truth did teach me something. i learned that it is one thing to warn someone of danger but it is another thing to prepare them for it.
bad things happen to good people. people rob the innocence of children. sometimes the devil will know your name and your address. love doesn't always conquer all. you can be pro-life until it's your life. your memories can be nightmares. one day, you will wake up and wish you didn't but you did. the mere fact that you woke up is clear evidence that there is a purpose waiting for you to find it. your purpose is big enough to carry all of your baggage for you - the good, the bad and the overweight.
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