Busy as a non-stinging bee...

I haven't blogged this year.  Oops.  Excuse me while I catch up!


But I was busy ...see??

Got back into painting my canvas...

Humbled yourself more...which I did.

I started laughing again.

Went back to my first love & didn't feel guilty about it.

Once I started laughing again, I couldn't stop apparently.

I ain't go to the club, partied on the couch!

Gave out birthday kisses to my angels...

I reapplied.  For a few things.

I let someone else tell my story for a change...

Goosebumps

"ELEVATE THE MOTHERF.CKING GAME"
"We got an obvious attraction, baby don't be scared."
"I don't wanna do no harm.  Stop playing hard to get"





"I get chills, goosebumps, that's how I know love is real, the goosebumps."


I'm in love with this mixtape, like really in love.  A gift woven in music tapestry.  Every instrument tells a secret and by the time you get to the end of the song, it's a message only for you to keep.  Thanks @ms_she for putting me on!

Can't stop listening to this...

"I am not Jody, you are not no Yvette."


"I never smoke, stress or wanna f.ck with my ex"

Tell Her Part 2

Because a reader asked me to finish this story for her...Part 1...

Sometimes, this is what 22 looks like, from her eyes to yours.

I walked into my own apartment like a stranger.  I hadn't been there for weeks.  Somehow love justified paying rent for living in someone's else head.  Pictures of my former self hung on the walls and I missed that girl that I no longer recognized greatly.  The sweltering heat hugged me tightly and as I squeezed through my boxes of memories in my hallway, a protective hand covered my womb.  I remembered instantly that I was still pregnant.  I groaned wishing that guttural sound would scare the baby enough to disappear.  And then a sudden craving for crab legs hit me and none of my whining was going to help.

My phone vibrated in my purse.  I groaned again.  

Who could this be?  Tears began to well up in my eyes before I could even read the name on my screen.  i just didn't want to be bothered.  I felt alone but I wasn't really alone because I had more company than I needed in my belly.

Uh. Mason, stop calling me.

His phone call had to be denied.  There was nothing he could say to me, nothing that I didn't already know.  I wanted to tell him that he was better off without me but I was afraid that if I spoke to him, I would tell him my secret, well, our secret.  He was my best friend and even though I thought we spoke about everything, he never told me about her and I wasn't planning on telling him about this, this being the little boy I just knew I was carrying.  

As I walked into my room, my bed looked like heaven, still immaculately made from weeks ago.  I tried to decide if it was a better decision than those crab legs.  I looked down at my belly already annoyed.

Just like your father, you are requiring me to leave my comfort zone.  Lucky for you, as your mother, I have unconditional love.  Whatever I have with your father is purely circumstantial.

I shook my head.  This poor baby had no idea what I was talking about.  

Phone vibrates again.

Now he wants to talk.  

"Yes Mason."

"Yo where are you, why would you leave my house this late at night?"

"Mason, while you were banging on my car window as I drove off, I realized that safest place I could be was away from you.  Please go back to bed or go to Kerry's bed, that's her name right?  Yes Kerry and have a good night.  I'm ok."

"Lauren, don't play with me.  Where are you? I'll come to you."

"Good night Mason."  End call.

A little guilt began to rise up in my chest.  

Maybe that was rude.  Nope, sleeping with someone else is rude.  

I began to undress my guilt in my hot house.  Finally down to my bra and panties, I caught a glimpse of my growing abdomen in the mirror.  I was losing my figure and my mind quickly.  

Alright, little one, no crab legs for you.  Let's see if we have some snacks though.  Giving a man everything he wanted got me you so let's work on compromise.  I ravaged through my kitchen humming "Why Does It Hurt So Bad?" by Whitney Houston.

My name bellowed through the dark street like a storm landscaping it's next victim.  I ran to my window to see him standing there with a look on his face I had never seen before.  I contemplated for a total of fifteen seconds before I decided that I would open the door.

It wasn't in my nature to leave him anywhere, even while knowing he had left me for her.  For the first time, I realized the struggle of so many women.  It was hard to leave your boyfriend, but it felt impossible to leave the father of your child.  

I opened the door and wept.

Dead him, I'll pay for the casket

Boys will be boys until they’re ready to be men.

Hey you! Taps screen, yeah you. This is an interactive blog. Do me a favor. Get your phone, scroll down until you see my name and DELETE, DELETE, DELETE. If you just have my number stored, because you don’t want to be pressed about having my name in there, delete that too. Now, go on and scroll to all the girls that you have no intention of taking seriously. How many ya got? Three, four, fifteen? Delete them too. That was your first step into becoming a man. What does the bible say? When I was a child, I did childish things. When I became a man, I put aside childish things. Only children insist on keeping toys they don’t even play with or like anymore. Stop it and stop it right now. You are pathetic. You can no longer build a home of sticks and sand in my inbox. Stop wasting your messages and your emojis on me. The subscriber you are trying to reach is no longer available. I used to think there was no harm in ‘keeping in touch’ but the harm is that I wasn’t keeping UP. Why are we pretending to care? Why are we being cordial? Why are we wasting time sending empty texts? You could spend your time sending “Good morning beautiful” texts to the girl you really want to be with. And I’m not just saying that you don’t want to be with me because some of you have made it quite clear that you want all parts. But I’m saying, in the nicest way possible, well, I'm saying it any way possible, I don’t want you.

And why would I? You’re sitting in my inbox from your comfort zone where no effort is required. You could be doing anything while you text me. Maybe you’re in traffic, maybe you’re bored, maybe your girl is in the bathroom, whatever the case may be, sitting in my inbox only proves one thing – you’re good at multitasking. A text message is not impressive, even if it is every morning. Let me hear your voice, let me hear you smile, let me hear you laugh and show me that you want to hear the same things from me. So bye bye to all the text message boyfriends.

It has been spoken, word must become deed.

I want more and because I want more, I have to work more. I want to invest my time and energy into someone that deserves it and I want to be someone that deserves another person’s time and energy. To be quite honest, we spend a lot of time wanting a love we’re not deserving of.

You want a man that calls you, but every time he calls, you’re in Opal.
You want a man that likes you when you’re chilling with no makeup on but you always have makeup on.
You want a man to take you out to eat, but you’re entertaining men without jobs. Where pray tell will he get the money for that from?

You ever see a man put a wedding ring on a joint that’s running full speed? NO! She has to stand in one spot for him to kneel at her feet. As my good friend @_daveybaby says, “how are things going to fall into place when you’re not there to catch it? SIT.”

I spent enough time pushing love away because I wasn’t ready. Maybe it was for the best, maybe it wasn’t but whether someone leaves you or you leave them, the void is really just space for someone to love you better. And that someone may be the very person that you’re not with today, just a few years later.

Me being selective is not me being bitter. Was I disappointed? Yea. Was I unimpressed? Yea. So what? Nobody’s perfect and calling you out on it doesn’t make me bitter, it makes me honest. It’s also another way of saying I’ve been hurt before, what I was doing wasn’t working before and I need to heal, grow and move forward. It’s a sad but necessary realization that if you’re not cutting it, you need to get cut.

It’s time to be the men/women who can leave their phone on the nightstand facing up because there’s no worry about who might be texting you something crazy in the middle of the night. The only game I want to play is spades, cards face up, all TRUST.

If my husband is reading this, babe, you got nothing to worry about. I don’t even need a password on my phone.

Hi Me. I'm sorry.

When's the last time you apologized to yourself?
Sometimes we put ourselves through our own agony
Sometimes we victimize ourselves and try to act like we didn't build our own crime scene
Don't act like you haven't slit your own wrists before
I saw you swallow an entire bottle of pills one day
Maybe you should have let him kill you instead because suicide is shameful from what I hear
No one to persecute
No one to pay
No justice to serve
I mean, I know we all cry sometimes
But some of us are squeezing out our own tears and blaming a man who doesn't even know what our tears look like
I'll tell you something
He could never do me worse than I've done myself
Cheating myself into settling
Quieting my own intuition 
I'll tell you who should get slapped
Me
I should slap myself 
And you should slap yourself too
Till you're blue in the face
Till you have nobody to blame but yourself
That man may have broken your heart but you gave it to him
It's not that he didn't love you enough
It's that YOU didn't love YOU enough
And so we're sitting here thinking n.ggas aint sh.t
But ain't we a direct reflection of the people we love?
So girl, we ain't sh.t either.

Sometimes writing means not writing at all

Ahhhhhh!!!! The book is coming. Until then, when I feel like pulling my hair out, I just take pictures. ❤

Every now & then, I give her some props

We've grown up together.
I was an A cup when I met her.  I'm a solid C now.
POW!

Under Construction

Brick by brick
You know you build up a pretty big bridge
Now don’t you tell me SOMETHING
All over again

Caution here
Now I’m scared I may just hit my head
You’re taking me step by step
I’m falling again

You got me under construction

Walls
Wall by wall
You felt this home barely hanging at all
But I know you won’t let me fall
All over again

Now by now
I hear you pushing, you pushing me well
You know when I’m going through hell
You feel me again

You got me under construction

Because this song pretty much wraps up my entire relationship.  I love him and hate him all at once for this.

Hand me downs

I still have the bruises from our last encounter
but it's your awkward hellos that leave the most scars
I wonder if she can hear my voice when she rests her head on your pillows
Or if she uses my shampoo when she stands in your shower
Hair dripping wet with the confessions you haven't made yet
Have you told her that you had to push me out of your mind because I had made a home there?
Or did you just tell her that I was crazy?
And that sometimes I call because I have nothing better to do? 
No
No
No 
No
Is that your favorite word still?
I wonder, if my dress will fit her...
No not the dress I left, the wedding dress
The gown I was supposed to wear when I met you at the altar
Tell her that her ring is a hand ME down
From the HAND of ME...DOWN a notch...
And don't forget to tell her that your best friend doesn't require you to be a better man
"Babe, be quiet. You can't talk if your mouth is full. Come here."
So you fed me charm, pillow talk and lust
And I still starved