tell her

she was twenty two, young, full of life, naive, the type of twenty two that couldn't understand her scars. she was only twenty two, living for more people than she could afford... this is her story, be kind to her

i found a condom wrapper

and it wasn't mine

the bed felt like a ton of bricks in four walls not big enough, not strong enough, not hard enough to hold me back

the room started getting real dizzy like roller coasters to old women and little girls

the nausea that woke me up had finally settled back into that dark place where only bright candles were brave enough to go

my legs wobbled over to the dresser and i leaned on it just to get some balance

just to stop spinning for a moment

and that's when i felt the vibration of her thoughts

the bright light looked up at me and i looked at it

never intrigued by his phone before

never really noticed his phone before

but here it was three am and she had something to say

and him and i had shared everything except her

so i scrolled through countless conversations

where he called her what he calls me and told her about his days

days that he spent with me but so casually left out in his brand new accounts from a single man

i could hear her concern through her her fonts

she was worried when he was sick and he was thankful

but had he thanked me for taking care of him? 

i wonder how she thought he got better

there's nothing my warm thighs and soft hands couldn't fix

she even asked about his birthday and he said he didn't do much

i never realized that i wasn't much to do

and they spoke, day in and day out about days that didn't include me

but i was there

i remember because i have two years of memories to prove it

i have keys to prove it

i have the tattoo to prove it

so i sat there, numb as hell tears rolling down my face watching him sleep

watching him dream of her 

i sat there

wondering how you start over when you didn't even know you were finished

i rocked back and forth looking at the condom wrapper

looking at him

looking at the phone

all three culprits to my own madness
the trinity of a salvation i didn't know i was looking for

and then i went to go throw up 

but even your soul has limitations

and sometimes you ingest things that you cannot digest

so i hovered over that toilet bowl still dizzy from the world spinning around me but without me

i pressed the cold rag to my neck

felt the tension in my shoulders

the cramp in my belly 

the tiles on my knees

i felt the wind creep through me like corn fields on sunny afternoons

blowing pieces of me away just to spread myself too thin

i eventually stood up and got dressed, tapped him to tell him to lock the door

just in case i felt stupid enough to come back, please don't let me in

and he had the nerve to be angry …

i was so numb i couldn't even laugh at the audacity of the man before me, of the man inside of me, of the man that even when i left i would still be carrying him with me, i couldn't even laugh at how much of a joke he was

tell her how today goes

tell her that you woke up in the middle of the night trying to make sense out of something so wrong

tell her that condom wrappers are truth serums to pregnant women

tell her that had i gone through your phone like you went through me then maybe we would have found a truth deeper than toilet bowls with my tears, a truth deeper than a woman's womb, a truth deeper than the hole two friends fall into that they think is love

tell her that i exist

that i am not a figment of her imagination

that i have manifested pieces of you that will never see the light of day because of the darkness you insist on bringing me into

tell her that i loved you, even when i didn't know you

and tell her that your birthday was amazing because of me, because of us

because it wasn't just another day you were alive but because i gave you something to live for

tell her that as much as you share yourself with her it is of no significance, because even the devil gets around

tell her that an angel loved you

tell her that angels multiply

and where she will stand for you bullish.t, this angel will fly

tell her

and i walked out with him chasing behind me and her chasing behind him

not exactly the threesome you think of

but before i got into my car with him standing there, screaming at me to come back inside

i whispered…

this was already a threesome without her