It already feels different being back here. After every hiatus, I go on and on about how I miss writing here. I miss the readers, their comments, the energy, the fonts, the spirituality, the experiences – I miss all of it. This most recent break (I’ve been gone since November 26) has been damn near heartbreaking. I tried to come back every day. I would pull up the blog and just keep it on my screen while I did a million other things. But I vowed not to come back to this place until my first book was well into its completion. Your well wishes, your anticipation and your promises have truly kept me going and completion is indeed upon us. I truly never thought I’d really see the day where I’d be giving sneak peeks of my first novel. This was just a dream or a strange talent, some random awakening that would pour itself out of me. I did not think it would take over my life and impact the lives of others but I believe that’s what faith is – not knowing what your journey entails but still going forward.
This particular journey has been quite a rollercoaster. There’s so much I want to tell you but everything has a time and a place and it’s just not time yet. But I promise you, I will eventually give you the entire story behind the story. That sounds confusing but all things reveal themselves. There are several things that I can still tell you though. For one, you can catch me over at CLEMAGAZINE.COM writing for the Sex and Dating section. At first, I was hesitant because I didn’t want to lend myself to another project but it’s been so refreshingly fun. It takes me away from the depth of my typical storytelling. It’s freeing, sometimes comical and youthful. To add to that, it’s completely out of my comfort zone and surprisingly it’s even more fun because of that.
What else is new? I’m learning how to build this brand which is frustrating as hell. I just want to write but apparently y’all like the name Virgin Fingertips and I’m going to try my hardest to keep that for all of us. I’ve also decided to deter from my former social media presence. In the past, I’ve entertained unworthy conversations or participated in shallow debates but I’ve taken a turn to tweet or present my true thoughts. My brain is really built like a fortune cookie and I’ve been self conscious about it my whole life. Like really, who wants to hear about love, God, faith, persistence and broken hearts? I do! And people are listening. If that’s not your thing, then I respect the unfollow or you just scrolling past but I need to get those things out of my soul and I believe the world needs more of that so those are the things I will share. Speaking of transitioning, I understand that I’m going to lose a few people in my life. I’ve been avoiding it like the flu but some people are not prepared for my deliverance and that’s not my cross to bear. Some people want to clip my wings for the simple fact that it may make them uncomfortable. They’re simply not accustomed to seeing the woman in me and I understand that they will miss her but I cannot let my destiny miss me.
Concepts such as that one come from an unwavering faith that I’ve recently discovered. In my recluse, I’ve had time to sit still and in that stillness, I started paying attention to my inner voice. It’s amazing what you will hear when you shut up. My intuition, my voice, or my God, whatever you choose to call it has not led me astray, not since I started paying attention. I’ve realized that my past troubles have really been attributed to my inability to listen and apply what’s really going on inside. Succumbing to my own flesh has led to some bad but conscious decisions – decisions that I knew were not in the best interest of my future, my spirituality and my own healing. I’ve since apologized to myself and my body. I’ve also vowed not to put myself through that again. I’ve become aware and once that happens, I cannot ‘unsee’ or ‘unlearn’ the better way.
This novel, my pride and joy is the better way. I have labored over it, written close to 60,000 words just to erase 5,000 and rewrite them. I’ve cried through entire chapters, I’ve laughed, I’ve tried to pull my own hair out, I’ve fallen out of love and back in love with this perpetual piece of growth. I originally started writing a book because I felt like I needed a place to tell my story. I wanted to break down the person people thought I was. I wanted to show the other sides of myself that no one gets to see. I wanted to stop being afraid. And although those are seemingly good reasons to write a book, none of them are why I continued writing. I kept going because the story kept going. It kept waking me out of my sleep, interrupting my conversations and seeping out of me while I was in the shower. I mean, every time I blink, a sentence comes to mind. This story has been persistent and even I anticipate it ending although I don’t know how it will end. I’m reading it just like you. I'm asking questions just like you. I want to know what happens, where it came from and how it will affect its readers. The truth is, I have none of those answers. I hope that inspires each of you to love harder, live better and scream if you have to. I want it to be the book to change your life and the way you interact with others. I want it to help you realize the treasure which is yourself. I hope that it causes you to recognize when someone in your life turns into gold. I want you to be aware of the true value of humanity and understand when you’ve been slack with it. I hope it helps you make amends. Say sorry, give second chances and be the type of person who deserves a second chance. I hope that it will make you a better lover, friend, parent, sister, brother, even a better Christian if that’s what you’re into.
Speaking of the book, I’ve let out one major detail to the public – my decision to name the main female character Dylan. Dylan is a Welsh name , it derives from de meaning “great” and llanw meaning “tide” or flow.” Together, it’s means son of the wave, born near the sea, influence. Welsh mythology reveals that he was the god of the sea and the son of Gwyddion and Arianrhod. He was accidently killed by his uncle Govannon in which his death prompted all the waters of Britain and Ireland to weep. As you read the novel, it is the most appropriate name; however I did not know the meaning when I chose it. I really chose Dylan because it’s typically a male name. I wanted the name to be the only tangible piece of manhood that the character could actually hold on to. She experiences a lot of loss, some by the divine hand and some by the human. All that loss however doesn’t mean she’s lost overall. A few people have told me they feel like it’s going to be a sad book. There is sadness, but it is a book of joy. It’s definitely weaving itself to be a book of faith, recovery and healing but before we do any of those things, we must examine the reasons that made us seek those very things. It’s almost like when you’re little and your parents/school/society teaches you about God and Jesus. They tell you about it first and then it’s your responsibility to read the Bible. Once you read the Bible, the story really unfolds and their attempt to inform you is no where near as informing as the actual word. We all know there will be heartbreak and happiness, but we don’t really know until we open our mouths and say that we didn’t eat for six days because our boyfriends left us for a slimmer and prettier version of us. It is not until we admit that we made bad decisions lying under unworthy men that we can admit when we’ve had abortions. It is not until we claim our vagina that we understand it can be taken from us and that act is called rape. It wasn’t until I said “he’s not here anymore” that I realized my ex betrayed me, by flesh and by word. Before then, it was just a breakup. Afterwards, however it was accountability and healing.
Dylan is powerful. Sometimes she’s a raging sea and other times, she’s as still as a mountain. She is the intuition, the inner voice – the woman in all of us who sought love without first understanding that she was worthy of it. She is scarred but still rather beautiful. She’s transformative and quite divine in her metamorphosis. She’s been a lying girlfriend, a cheater, a mistress, a compassionate friend, a loving partner and a frightened mother. She’s been suicidal and she’s been devoted to God. She has changed and makes no apologies for it. She’s a handful which is what any book is really.
I wrote about Dylan because she freed me from a lot of shame. In writing about her, I felt a million things – all things that are relevant to my health as a woman and my position as a partner or friend to someone else. Dylan put the pressure on me and in telling her story, I believe I have crafted a decent eye to examine womanhood and the manhood it requires to love us. This project is not for one gender, race or religious background. It’s for humanity and history, two things that have a habit of repeating themselves. So the hold up has been my self conscious dedication to building a foundation for my generation to stand on. It has been my commitment to getting it right because there are few things that are so sacred that we’re only supposed to do them once – marriage, virginity, death and your first novel. Dylan embodies them all.
I love you. From the bottom of my heart, you are my angels. See you in print.
