four twenty seven

Jesus said come as you are but who was I when I left?

a conversation, not a lecture.

i don't need you to agree with my point, i would just like for you to acknowledge that i have one.

mother nature would like an explanation

so you take a tree from its home and put it in your home only to throw it in the trash days later. doesn't sound like the spirit of giving to me.

what's your nationality?

some say, we are racially ambiguous. as long as we're never ambiguous to race, i'm cool.

every girl ain't daddy's

i don't know if my dad could ever be my hero. i don't remember him rescuing my mama.

going over the details

conversations sound so different after they've been had from when they are happening.

favorite jeans

i wore a 15 year old's jeans.  a 15 year old boy that is. and they fit well. that makes me and my widening hips feel great.

my own sense of comfort

not worrying about being pregnant is a weight off my shoulders i can't even describe.  magnums anyone?

watching the movie This Christmas

i swear to God, i'll beat a grown ass man with a belt while he's slipping and sliding over some baby oil.  i don't play these reindeer games called adultery and deceit.

"The Lord has a lot on his plate this morning."

it's way more fun when you don't care

i'm completely enamored with the thought of NOT being enamored.

cursing like a sailor

he said, i'm too beautiful to curse so much.
i thought of lauryn hill when she said, "i add a motherf.cker so you ignorant n.ggas hear me."
but i didn't see the conversation going well if i said that out loud so i smiled and made a conscious effort to make a change.  i mean, i don't have to curse, it's not like i know any ignorant n.ggas.

a tiny box can do so much

i got diamond earrings for Christmas and they make me feel beautiful.
it's a very strange feeling but i like it.

you read me like a book

you turn me into the pages of a book i haven't written yet
flipping over ivory sheets with letters that could only spell out love
you unwind my binds
with your fingertips
and i spill ink into the atmosphere
i drip onto this canvas called life
imitating the art of ecstasy
you call my name and angels come sliding down to pause the heavens and play with us
i am ferocious when i am in your arms
but vulnerable when you are in mine
you want to tame me
into chapters you can comprehend
bookmarking the moments of me you love
and i owe you that much
i owe you peace
i owe you solitude
i owe you the nape of my neck
and the curve in my back
but my heart...
my heart beats gold
naturally
so as you turn me and flip me between your fingertips
searching for that happy ending
i pour onto you the seven wonders of my soul
trust.fidelity.honesty.thoughtfulness.patience.forgiveness.
and most of all
love.

oh no he didn't.

i have trouble with being vulnerable.  blame it on being a leo.  what lion do you know is ok with being afraid?  what lion has time to feel weak when he's too busy being strong to protect those around him?  well that's me.  i don't do vulnerable well.  most things i say come off as harsh.  it's not what i'm saying, it's how i say it, which is a big reason i write.  because my voice doesn't translate 95% of my emotions correctly, you can read what i write and decide for yourself.  anyway, this harsh tone that i carry is a lot to handle for some people.  some tend to take it personal like i'm always attacking them.  if you know anything about a leo, we don't attack, we respond and if you know me, i don't start sh.t, i just finish it.  but when you're dealing with a new person, it's like navigating a maze.  everything has to be deciphered and explained which is just a fancy way of saying 'everything is a f.cking argument.'  

now i've come to realize that people can't always dismiss my harsh tone.  but what i have not come to terms with is people who also have harsh tones pulling the 'you're always picking on me t.' seriously.  just because i can handle your harsh tone doesn't make it right, especially if my harsh tone is considered wrong. granted 98% of things don't bother me but that doesn't mean it's ok for you to do.  

anyway, there was a point to all this.  i said something that had vulnerable written all over it.  and i wasn't looking for a particular response but i was looking for a response, partly because if you ask for something and i give it to you, acknowledge it.  needless to say, i didn't get a response and i was pissed and i'm almost NEVER pissed.  originally i was pissed because in twelve hours, i know there was 30 seconds to acknowledge my comment.  but that wasn't even where my emotions started to turn into rage.  i was in the middle of saying, 'when i'm 'hostile,' you respond defensively and then when i'm vulnerable, you don't respond at all.' and then i got CUT OFF, CUT OFF LIKE AN EXPEDITION GETTING CUT OFF BY A MINI COOPER. STRAIGHT MIND BOGGLING.  in the midst of hearing how busy their day was and how they didn't get a chance to really give my statement their full attention, i sat there wondering why they couldn't even say 'ok' when they got the message to which they responded that NOTHING THEY EVER DO IS RIGHT IN MY EYES.  

i felt knots in my stomach.  as much praise and adoration as i express, to even hear that NOTHING they do is right in my eyes felt like a damn slap.  this cannot be coming from them of all people. they can't say that, not without lying at least.  but i sat there, letting them finish their description of the ALWAYS DISAPPOINTED version of myself.  i finally said, 'you didn't even hear what i had to say.'

"You have nothing left to say..."

and that's when the tears welled up in my eyes and the knots tied tighter in my stomach.  all i wanted to say was, 'when i show vulnerability and i don't get a response, i put it on my 'things to never do again' list and i don't want that for us so if that's what you want, that's how it works in my mind.'  i did not have the conversation to question time management or how busy the day was or to accuse anyone of blatantly ignoring me.  i just wanted to say, i'll give you what you want but only if you're willing to accept it but apparently i had nothing left to say.  

i'm more submissive than they give me credit for.

the sexiest parole officer

it seems men my age or around my age despise the titles boyfriend and girlfriend no matter how appropriate they may be.  boyfriend is defined as a 'male friend with whom a person is romantically or sexually involved; sweetheart or lover.'  the two men i spoke with prefer the term parole officer, when describing the person who can be defined as their girlfriend.  why? i have absolutely no idea.  but if i'm anyone's parole officer, i'm not sure i want to be.  i don't want anyone to feel burdened by my presence or obligated by my needs and wants.  being a 'parole officer' takes away from the beauty of companionship, the fair trade of power, effort and vulnerability.  being a 'parole officer' makes the whole relationship seem more like an obligation as opposed to a choice and forgive me if i want to be the best choice you make.

i'm not sure what the expectations are when people call each other boyfriend or girlfriend and i'm not sure what changes between the two when titles are added on. it's been a while since i've been in a relationship.  from first glance though, it seems like someone is just avoiding the responsibility that comes along with commitment, which is fine as long as you don't sleep with me, call me, date me, meet my friends, meet my family, remember my birthday or pay for the movies.  if you do all those things, you're a boyfriend, whether you put it on facebook or not.  you're in a relationship.  from my own experience, i think i've had a problem with being someone's girlfriend because i didn't want to be a guarantee.  what if in the morning, i realize i don't want to call you anymore or what if i don't want to meet your mother?  if i'm not your girlfriend, there's no guarantee.  but as boyfriends and girlfriends, i think that every morning you decide to make an effort to make your partner happy and if you can't, to change that as fast as possible.  it's like a guarantee that you will keep trying.  that in itself is a big responsibility and i completely understand the fear of it.  but i wish men would just say that.

i'll even give you a script.
"hey, i like you and i love sleeping with you.  right now, everything's going well. it's easy to talk to you and to laugh with you and we genuinely have a good time together.  but if we hit a rough patch, i'm not sure this is worth the effort.  i may not want to deal with this if it gets difficult.  i may not wanna hear much about your feelings past horny and happy.  i'm just saying, if i change my mind, i don't want to have to deal with the aftermath."

now if y'all said that, i wouldn't get emotionally involved.  i wouldn't give you that vulnerability.  i'll keep it all smiles with you. if i'm having a bad day, i just won't call you and if you happen to call me, i won't pick up. if there's a movie i think you would like to see, i'll suggest you go see it, but i won't ask to go with you.  in fact, we don't even have to have real conversations, just the shallow kind.  you know, the kind of conversations that talk about television shows, pop culture and politics.  we won't talk about your family or my friends and we won't ever talk about children.  i won't tell you my dreams or listen to the details of your job.  and i'll only hold your hand when we're having sex to get the angle right.

honestly, i don't want to be your parole officer. i just wanna set you free.

sandy beaches

i like coconut.  just thought i'd share that.

Michael Buble - Home


i'm lucky i know but i wanna go home.
i'm the type of girl who can get married in a plain white slip dress handmade by my grandmother.  on the sandy beaches of whichever island i grew up on.  i wanna feel the sun on the nape of my neck wrapping around my shoulders like the shawl of eternity.  besides a pair of earrings from my parents, my wedding ring will be the only other piece of jewelry i wear as a reminder of who i came from and who i'm leavin with. and i want birds released into the sky like melodies off the surface of grand pianos.  and my husband?    well, he's going to have to be my best friend because if he can't handle me at my worst, then he doesn't deserve me at my best. that's what ms. monroe said.

every other season comes along and i'm alright

he said i've been miserable all week.  could be that i wake up at 4am everyday.  it could be ten hour shifts. it could be my ovaries knocking my ribs around with a sledgehammer.  it could be the migraines or the nightmares. or it could be that it's the holidays, the most emotionally draining season of my year.

when people hear that i don't like Christmas, they look at me like i have three heads, which is funny because i barely use the one i have.  i usually ask why do YOU like Christmas?  their first answer is family.

well, then that about sums up my dislike for the holiday outside of its religious affiliation.  long story short, i have a huge family and we stopped speaking for reasons bigger than any ego.  can you imagine growing up with a huge family and then losing them all at once?  put it this way, death would have been easier.

here we go with the holidays

i'm not a fan of Christmas.  it's a reminder that my spirituality is off balance, my body still hasn't adjusted to cold weather and my family is completely indescribable.

between the calls from guys to remind me how we should have worked it out and how they're going to do better in the upcoming year no matter how much i decline, i'm simply not enthused. then the messages from distant relatives trying to have conversations five years later makes me want to choose between my sanity or my ongoing battle with my inability to forgive.  it feels like today is a wakeup call for everyone but me.  and don't get me wrong, i know i am eternally blessed but i knew that yesterday.

anyway. the moral of the story is, i like one holiday and this ain't it.  to those who do enjoy it, do just that.  don't just spend it with the people you love, make the most of the time spent.

and as far as blessings go, i'm ok with the few i've been given.

what could it be?

i have absolutely no idea what love is anymore and i'm actually fine with that.

appreciation

it's easy to take things/people for granted. we say thank you in the moment and then we dismiss acts of kindness like yesterday's newspaper.  i don't know which gender does it more.  ask any woman and they'll tell you that most days, they just feel unappreciated.  if you bother to ask any man, he might tell you the same thing.  what i'm saying is this: it's not enough to be be grateful. express that gratitude to him, to her, to whoever matters.

my first thank you goes to you.

comments

i haven't forgotten about your comments! i'm listening and i WILL respond, so what's the holdup? blogspot has a very strange format and i want it to be easy to read so i'm still trying to wiggle out some details. bear with me please! thanks. =)

R Kids!

Here's another success story!

A few of my friends from Temple University in conjunction with alumni from colleges all along the east coast have joined forces for something SPECIAL on DECEMBER 12, 2010 [tomorrow].  In an organized effort to enhance the lives of underprivileged children in the New York City area for the holiday season, R KIDS will do just that. Dedicated to service, they have reached out to our peers, our leaders and most importantly our children to ensure that Christmas happens everywhere.  Tomorrow morning, we will be gathering together to give Christmas to over 250 children.  Plenty of events have been held leading up to this special day and we want you, we NEED you to participate! Please do.  

Tomorrow December 12, 2010 at 

Manhattanville Community Center at 

530 West 133rd St. Ny, Ny 11027  

Click below to read the official sponsorship letter by Ms. Genisha Wallace, a Temple University alum and friend and the flier for the event.  Support young people supporting other young people. 

In love and in service, 

we thank you!

R KIDS!

the sunrise

my sky at 4:45am.

look at God peeking through my window.

sing me a love song

i never knew much abut my parents relationship except that they had me in the midst of it.  but there is one thing that i've always noticed and i don't know if it's representative of their relationship or their personalities but either way, it sticks with me.  my parents ALWAYS play love songs, all types of love songs.  so i grew up with melodies of love playing in my head trying to teach my heart some things.  so today as i was playing through my pandora station, my mother jumped in to ask me what i know about Otis Redding.  excuse me? i know because y'all taught me.  so i guess that's where my penchant for love songs comes from and maybe that's why i'm enamored by the thought of love.  emotions in combination with melodies soothe me and give me something beautiful to look forward to.  whether my love works out or not, the mere thought that i am willing to try is something to be grateful for.  my parents taught me something valuable - love may not work, but it exists.

word of the day

adore:
1. to regard with the utmost, esteem, love and respect; honor.
2. to pay divine honor to; worship.
3. to like or admire very much.

i use it loosely but after looking at the definition, i'm not doing the word enough justice.  if i had to define it, i would say the following...

it's liking you when you're not very likable.  all encompassing. makes me want to take care of you, even though i know you're capable of taking care of yourself.  it's a sincere joy from your presence alone.

when i adore someone, i'm drawn to them, specifically. and in a world where there a millions of great people, adoration feels like fingerprints.  it is unique to you and only you.

je t'adore.

twitter chronicles

i tweet every so often and i said, "i think he put a map in between is us so that we could find each other."

time and distance sneak into the corners of our soul
and our conversations run longer than the stretch of road between us
sun rises aren't as beautiful if they're not coming through his window and over my shoulders
meanwhile, rain is a sad song when you're listening alone
but distance is neither a friend or an enemy
just an acquaintance that we must deal with in passing
not bringing us close enough to touch but not letting enough space in between to stop wanting to
and time?
there's simply not enough to like what distance does but there's too much of it in the first place
so we bounce back and forth between eternities trying to find one we can own
just trying to go the distance in the time we've borrowed
but then reality hits us
and we wake up, in separate beds
him hugging distance
while i'm kissing time
because when time and distance sneak into the corners of our soul, it feels like love

new terminology

i just heard the term 'female machismo' so i came up with a few moments that qualify...

giving birth unassisted...damn right...
being home alone and opening the spaghetti sauce/mayonnaise/pickle jar by myself
changing your car battery...or in my case calling another woman who knows how to do it...
seeing that your ex text you...come on, it's pretty cool when the person you try to forget everyday remembers you
carrying something heavy by my damn self...in stilettos...yeah yeah what man can do that?
drinking juice straight from the carton (but i have to judge it right, cuz i can't drink that much juice or anything for that matter & i can't put it back in the fridge after that cuz who does that besides boys? -longest sentence in the nation)
being right, whether we're discussing directions or who's going to win tonight's basketball game...if i'm right, i'm doing a touchdown dance
seeing someone's eyes roll back in their head...::flexes muscles:: WHOSE IS IT!? MINE. THAT'S RIGHT.

and i think the number one moment for 'female machismo' will be ::drumroll please::

when he's on bended knee because the best part about acting macho like men do is that it's only acting.  i can always return to being a woman, the very woman he loves.

love and basketball. no, not the movie. 2

they've been together since high school and she's the mother of his son.

i'm just saying, even though it feels like love is happening all around us, we can't forget that it begins within us.

some gifts don't come wrapped.

i want to cry. not for pain or for glory. i just want to cry.
tears of joy.

i'm blessed. that's it. and it wasn't an enlightening experience that made me notice. it was a combination of tiny things with great people tiptoeing around in my destiny. my only fear is that recognizable greatness is indescribable and will leave me with nothing to write and everything to feel.  someone said i wouldn't have time for the blog, facing my new schedule. i almost agreed until i realized schedules change all the time, but breathing is mandatory and since that's what writing is for me, i need all the air i can get.

i found a song that puts it all in perspective. for my angels, from Jack Johnson.

just in case you didn't hear what he said:
you've gotta be careful when you got good love because an angel will just keep on multiplying...

but for real though.

how lazy do you feel?

fellow bronx native

you better work Kerry!

let a good thing be good.

i think falling in love is something you learn. step by step like sewing.  i know you're thinking that sewing is a random example but i'm the granddaughter of a talented seamstress, so it makes sense to me. anyway, falling in love can be a step by step thing. first, you pick out your material, then you cut your cloth and it can't be just any old cloth.  it has to be a cloth that makes you think of dandelions, smell rainbows and taste the morning's dew on your tongue when you touch it.  the cloth has to glide through your fingers like paint over michelangelo's palms.  that man couldn't be anything but a painter like your cloth can't be anything but yours. and then you cut the cloth into shapes that remind you of compassion, inspire you to be divine and forces you to recognize that wrinkles aren't only for humans.  this shape is the heart of the dress.  it is the life that the fashion borrows to walk down the street turning and breaking necks.  the shape that you cut so delicately is the foundation where you will build vessels for arms to hold others and room for legs that will wrap around occasions like tornadoes at sea. the foundation, the cut, the shape of the cloth lets you know where you're going.  i like my cloth dark to bring out the light in me i so often forget to turn on.  i like my material coarse to make me appreciate the smoothness of my skin as it hugs the slimness of my waist and the curve of my brown hips. i like my cloth to rest on my body like morality does on the tablets moses held.  hmm. i like my cloth snug enough to keep me warm but loose enough to let me wiggle out of my fears.  and i love when my cloth stops right above the knee because it leaves me some room to get down and pray comfortably about uncomfortable i am.  i also want my grandmother's knuckles etched into the fabric - the very strength of her lacing the seams with her grace and the hemline with her immortality.  i want to smell my grandmother in my cloth and keep our memories of green bananas, salty water and sugar cakes wrapped around my skin like silk.  i want to hear her humming at the neckline reminding my bust to be modest. i need my grandmother in my cloth like dumplings in my soup, i have to be full inside to have something to offer to the outside.  i need to see my grandmother's crows feet seep in the shape of my movement - her age battles with her wisdom to the drums of my heart beat.  i need my grandmother in my cloth so when i shape the arms i have something to hold on to.  and the arms will fall off my shoulders like the earth from mankind's sinful lips.  there is no space for worry on my exposed collarbone tattooed with the date of the fourth generation to inherit the royalty of the caribbean.  my cloth has dreams y'all, just like my love has dreams of falling, but step by step, i get to build a masterpiece with pillars of kisses and monuments of glances.  step by step, whether i gain my footing or whether i gain weight, we can make alterations to accommodate the space that no longer lives between us.  we can run the sewing machine over and over till the rhythm feels as natural as breathing.  step by step, we can bring the pieces together...together covering bruises named 'hickeys and last year's mistakes.' when we sew, you can look through the eye of my needle and funnel your way through me to do me.  step by step, i can let you pierce into me in the only way that makes me whole again.  i want you to be my cloth, laid on the table in your dark color and coarse terrain.  i want to wear you...out like security blankets and mothers to newborns.  i want you on me like perfume, step by step. i want you stained onto me like the paintings on the inside of michelangelo's eyelids.  you are my cloth, sewn into something beautiful, sewn together, step by step.

the original version.

VOTE VOTE VOTE

You know I love an inspirational story.  I first heard about Jabari from @danigirlbx who told me how he was teaching overseas in Japan and had made a major impact on their campus, Howard University.  She said, "Everybody knows Jabari," but you don't!  So I'm formally introducing you to a man who is making a difference in our world, serving as a positive image for Black men and taking chances that aren't given to many.  

Please show some support! Jabari is in the running to become the next host of the travel/adventure talk show "Paradise Hunter."  So far, he's already a semi-finalist but he STILL NEEDS HELP to become a FINALIST.  Considering he lived in Japan for two years after graduating from HU and travelled to nine different destinations for his 25th birthday, he's clearly the best man for the job and he's the only BLACK MAN.  Again, please show your support and love for a young man trying to do great things.   He even has a motivation vlog [video blog] that you can visit HERE. 

CLICK HERE TO VOTE BEFORE DECEMBER 15. IT WILL BE THE BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT YOU GIVE. THANK YOU.

Read here while he tells you a little bit about himself...

Hi! My name is Jabari Smith.

Since graduating in 2007 from Howard University, I've had the privilege to travel to 11 countries throughout Asia, The South Pacific (Australia & New Zealand), The Caribbean, and Central America!

The experience has been life changing.

Growing up in New Orleans, Louisiana I've always had a great appreciation for the uniquely rich culture that my hometown provided. However, I've also always had an innate desire in my heart to see and explore the greater world.

Living and teaching in Japan served as the first of several defining experiences. Learning Japanese, and immersing myself in the culture opened my eyes to not only an appreciation for Japanese culture but for the greater global community.

I have made it my life's mission to share these experiences with others, inspiring people like me to step beyond their comfort zone and discover the world around them.

Paradise Hunter would be an excellent opportunity for me to expand and share my travels with others.

My varied experiences working, living, and traveling abroad have given me a great deal of insight into the variety of customs, terrains, and ethnicities that make our world dynamic.

From climbing to the peak of Mount Fuji in Japan and helmet-diving across the floor of Australia's Great Barrier reef, to ziplining across the rain forest of St. Lucia and zorbing down the hills of New Zealand's North Island, I have immersed myself in discovering and learning about the world's treasures.

I stand firmly by the belief that, "Traveling is one of the finest educations you can give yourself."

Please VOTE for me as your Paradise Hunter, so that I can serve as an inspiration to those who like me, have in their heart a desire to explore the world.

Your Friend, Your Companion and Fellow Global Citizen,

Jabari Smith

P.S.
I promise we'll be able to share in an electrifying and unforgettable journey of a lifetime!!!

honesty is so damn crafty

"you are not t lloyd with him, you're [insert real name here]. you're just mad that you met one of the few people that actually made you feel something." -spoken like a true homegirl

i hate when she reminds me that i'm human.

can you separate your friendship from your relationship?  how much can your guy tell you without your heart interrupting the conversation?  i personally think it's good when two people can maintain their friendship throughout their relationship.  they, whoever they is, say that 'friends make the best lovers' and there is truth to that. but how much is too much?

"babe, this girl is hitting on me."
your heart starts to beat a little faster.
"she's waiting at my car."
your head starts to pound.
"she's sexy as hell but i don't wanna beat."
your eyes are rolling in the back of head to stall the inevitable tears.
"babe i'll call you back."
call homegirl immediately.

once your homegirl gets you to admit that this young gentleman has you open, the only thing left to do is comfort you. but first, she must ask the question - DO YOU TRUST HIM? and you hesitate, not because you don't trust him but rather because if he calls back admitting the sexy girl was even sexier naked, you don't want to regret trusting him in the first place.  your homegirl lets you know she's waiting for an answer and since the conversation is about trust, you decide to trust her enough to be vulnerable.

"YES, I TRUST HIM."
"so you don't trust the little sexy scallywag waiting for him."
"i certainly do not.  i mean, i just know how EASY it is. one drink becomes two, two becomes three and the next thing you know, you're having sex. furthermore, there are girls and guys running around not caring about anybody's relationship, like 'you're my little secret' type sh.t, no b.tch, i'll tell you what's not a secret - AIDS, keep off of him, but you can't say that. why? because you want him to make his own decisions. you don't want him to sleep with her because he's happy sleeping with you, not because you had to tell him not to."
"don't act like you haven't been the other woman now."
"girl. how can i forget. the sh.t haunts me like a bad hairstyle.  i swear it must be my karma.  you know when you've seen a guy cheat on his girl? it doesn't take much at all. all i did was walk into the room, sh.t now i think of it, there wasn't any alcohol involved so can you imagine?  honestly, the thought that they're having sex right now while we're having this conversation grosses me the hell out."
"i just wanna know what that n.gga be drinking. i've seen him, he's a good size.  you know how much he has to drink to lose his mind and his pants? b.tch, either he doesn't have a liver or he's drinking straight moonshine. ask him for me because at the end of this week, i'm gonna need to forget some sh.t myself."
"don't make me laugh! but you're right. that man can drink. he's jamaican."
"oh no. see you didn't tell me that. as a matter of fact, anytime i got my panties in a bunch, it was over a jamaican. them foreign n.ggas will get you every time."
"does that even count if i'm foreign too?"
"i've seen n.ggas go crazy over you so yea, it counts."
sucks teeth. "i should have seen this coming."
"you did. we were just talking about this earlier today and YOU said, there comes a time in every relationship where one person shows their ass. you just didn't know tonight was the night."
"who are you telling? i jinxed myself. and then he had the nerve to say that she's sexy but i'm gorgeous. i don't even know what that means."
"yes you do ms. i study people.  men think of sexy in terms of appeal, it's purely physical, but gorgeous? that's something different.  that's inside and out, that's emotional. which one would you rather be? sexy or gorgeous?"
"i'll take gorgeous for 200."
"exactly. when he calls, just be honest. tell him how you feel. being able to bounce back and forth between your friendship and your relationship was cool and all but somewhere y'all crossed the line. whether you like to admit it or not, there's a relationship there. WE ARE friends. you and him? that's more than that. pick which one you prefer."

SMH.

the problem with telling someone how you feel is that you first have to admit you feel something.  admitting the good things is always easy. i kinda like you. i enjoy your company. i'm attracted to you.  all of that is easier to say than 'i was sad because i thought you forgot how gorgeous i was when you were staring at her sexy.'

i think men sometimes forget that big women were still little girls once upon time and no matter how gorgeous we are, we still have insecurities.  and it's not even that we're intimidated by 'sexy' girls, we're more concerned about girls that are WILLING. i'm just saying, stupidity is contagious and i want him as far away from her ass as possible.

you just never know.

i had an unsuspecting and great conversation with a young woman today.  i learned a few things.

1. notice the beauty in others.
2. don't be afraid to ask questions.
3. if you think someone's great, tell them.  everyone needs a reminder now and then.
4. remain humble.
5. if someone admires your opinion, honor that with honesty.
6. teaching does not make you incapable of learning.
7. you never know when you're making a friend.
8. we're all trying to find ourselves and what's best for us.
9. funny enough, we're all going through or have been through the same things. so let's talk about it. we may not find the answers but at least we'll get a good laugh, if nothing else.
10. last but certainly not least. sometimes as women, we want men to notice how great we are.  but we have to notice FIRST.

she taught me that even with all the great women i know, i can always meet more.
be amazing. be beautiful. be graceful.

face it, you have feelings

we can be nonchalant. our hearts cannot.

can't say i disagree...

the archives

the very beginning. look at those nails.
225th and white plains!

i'm gonna share something very important today, some things that shaped who i became, just more pieces to the puzzle.  i had a computer that ended up turning off and never turning back on.  after nearly four years, i finally trusted someone enough to get the files off for me.  there were pictures of my senior year of high school and my first two years at college.  i thought that i lost all of those pictures, most importantly the ones of my newborn child.  i've never been one to post albums and stuff like that because i'm very private about those kind of things but tonight i'm so elated that i have those pictures that i will share a few.  all in all, over a hundred pictures were recovered.  when i went through them after feeling like i lost so many precious moments, i almost cried tears of joy.

seven months pregnant

her personal pillow 

she never liked that teddy bear

find the baby if you can

sleeping like she has a full time job

her first smile!

her christening

a whole new meaning to beach bag

offering her up to the Lord

granny and her first two granddaughters

favorite picture of ALL time

her first night out

i guess they were hanging out

then again, she can't hang...

proud mommy

these are pictures my closest friends haven't even seen. i don't talk about how proud i am to be a mother.  it was by far, the best decision i've ever made.  deciding to spend the rest of my life shaping and guiding another human being is the biggest sacrifice i'll ever make and i was eighteen when i did it. i was scared and it felt like my whole world had collapsed.  people gossiped, they judged my decisions, they scrutinized every move, simply put, they hurt my feelings.  they broke my spirit and i kept thinking who treats a child like this and i wasn't talking about the child inside, i was talking about myself.  i wanted desperately for people to walk in my shoes and face the disappointments i was forced to get accustomed to.  and to be real, i asked God every night NOT to wake me up and comfort my mother when i was gone.  but now i can only thank God for deciding which prayers he was willing to answer.

all in all, i grew up.  i ignored the negativity, i stopped crying and whether i was a mother or not, i still listened to my mother and let the best mother we both know raise my child while i finished raising myself.  my mother gave birth to me but my grandmother gave me life and i'm eternally grateful.  i always wondered who i was going to dedicate my first book to whenever it gets published and i know now. i will dedicate it to my grandmother who taught me grace, sacrifice and perseverance.  all the negativity in the world can never take away from the joy i've found.  the only thing i love more than being a mother is my child.

and for everyone who has said a kind word, thank you. for those who didn't, still, thank you.

the BRONX ZOO

the coolest looking display of bugs ever. 

flamingos? you know why they're pink?
because of what they eat! what do they eat?
shrimp. 

this is gonna sound f.cked up but this male peacock
would make a fabulous bag.

felt like i was on the beach for a split second.

my cousin and i.

le tigre.

looked pretty cool, even if it was man made. 

i've always had a fascination with lions, tigers, gorillas & monkeys.
they're just so familiar to mankind, it's entertaining.

2k11

mini me knows how to play nba 2k11. well let me rephrase that, she knows how to play in practice mode.  maybe she'll be like her mama and shoot the winning shot also known as the buzzer beater.  i played with the celtics and won, but it was the celtics, so it only made sense.  

four days in a flash

i missed you. let's get right back like we never left. and since i'm not trying to edit this, i'm gonna run through my thoughts fast so i don't change my mind about what i'm trying to say.

my uncle finally called me after thirteen years. i didn't care to know why he let thirteen years pass between us, the point is we're all adults now and i have a choice in loving him and getting to know him.  he will always be my uncle and i will always be his niece but that phone call was the first step in being friends.  him, my aunt, their spouses and children made the trip to the zoo.  it was a great way to break the ice and it's amazing to see that even with distance and time, the resemblance in our looks, mannerisms and speech remains.  i took tons of pictures because the entire scene was unfamiliar for me, which sounds like a tourist so i acted accordingly.

ok thanksgiving eve, i realized there was plenty to be thankful for as cliche as that sounds.  i made it a point  to make it to a happy hour for R KIDS and donate in the midst of a henessey overload!!! it was just another reminder that i made some GREAT and RESPONSIBLE friends in college.  thanks for holding my hair back and taking the wheel but give me some credit. i did NOT stumble in my heels once.  inebriation and sobriety are sometimes the same thing.

i finally made it home to catch up and enjoy some time with him.  coming up with a scheme for a dying fish and going over why it's not acceptable to come home with lipstick that's not mine can be both exhausting and hilarious.

spent thanksgiving morning giving thanks and that's all i can say about that. wink.
had dinner with two of my sisters and drank more sparkling cider than any human should be allowed to consume.

then i journeyed to the city to celebrate a birthday with a friend.  it was like a mini reunion, where honesty is always welcomed especially when coupled with a few margaritas.  finally made it home to someone more drunk than me.
"babe, can you sing for me?"
"right now? why?"
"because this girl randomly sang to me tonight and i just want to be reminded why i want you to be the only one singing to me"
that can only be defined as conversational ecstasy.
and while reading over a personal piece, we found ourself having a conversation about "The One."  you know my smart ass was like, "if you read the blog, you would know i don't believe in "The One," to which he replied, "did Thomas believe in Jesus? not until Jesus appeared before him so i don't think you have to believe, at least not until he presents himself."
and just like that, i'm still stunned.
then he made a startling discovery.  recently the blog has described different accounts of sex. isn't that brand new? i can't tell you why i've decided to incorporate that aspect of relationships into this web dialogue because i honestly don't know. however, i do think that with new inspiration comes new heights i'm willing to leap from.

moving right along, we had breakfast in the morning with my new love of fried eggs.  following up on the scheme of the dying fish from two nights before, we headed on over to the pet shop.  i had been babbling about getting over there and what do you know? somebody was paying attention.  i don't know which was more exciting, the fact that i was going to the pet shop or that he was taking me.  we walked in and had so much fun in the midst of our terrible scheme.  nonetheless, my accomplice taught me all about freshwater, saltwater and brackish tanks.  we saw chinchillas, crickets, lovebirds and an African gray parrot from the Congo.  i decided that in the future i would like some lovebirds and a parrot to raise with my child/ren.  he even told me a story about lovebirds that his father owned.  one escaped from the house in december.  the following july, he returned after everyone assumed he was dead.  isn't that the beauty of love? so yeah, i want some lovebirds to remind me that love of any kind, transcends all flight.

turkey day

i'm not a holiday person but if you are, i hope you had a great time.  actually i hope you have a great time with your family every day, not just holidays.

p.s. i had everything but turkey...oops.

return of the ex

am i the only one afraid of the ex that returns? why we didn't work back then won't matter if you show up at my very happy doorstep singing the sentiments of the song.  i swear i will pass out.  going backwards is tricky, it makes you forget that you were doing just fine going forward. smh. dear Lord, please don't let it be me.  thanks in advance.

waiting to exhale part 2

i haven't kissed someone in a loooooong time.
[in kevin hart's voice] IT'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN.

i had to add some humor to my fidelity. monogamy of any kind can get boring. i don't know who told men that it was easy for us, but the devil is a liar.

in better news, i'm working on this story and i'm actually quite excited about it.  i'm trying to have it complete by this sunday.  you can hold me to that and send me evil text messages if it's not posted by then. speaking of excitement, the Anne Sexton post is quite possibly my favorite post of all time.  time will tell if i reveal why.

moving right along, i spoke to one of my friends today and as usual our conversation was an eye opener. she would kill me if i added her name so let's call her Ernie.  she's a tough cookie and beneath those rigid crumbs lies a tender woman.  in order to sustain her street credibility, i'm not gonna disclose how sweet she really is.  the point is, that we made some discoveries.

1. our childhood JUST finished, like yesterday.  for the longest time, i separated college from childhood but now looking back, everything seems so surreal.  the relationships felt intense at the time but maturity tastes sweet when lies are so bitter. college, much like the rest of childhood was in a bubble.  don't get me wrong, there were some adult moments and adult decisions but for the most part, ruling with the heart is so reminiscent of a child's innocence that it only seems right to be considered childhood.  honestly, what i wanted was so much more important than what i needed and since having a child, i know for a fact, that's some childish sh.t. i'm so glad to be out of that phase.  i appreciate going through it but the consequences were more than i could afford.

2. relationships take time and when you have the rest of your life ahead of you, it's wise to pace yourself.  just make it through today.  before, i only used to see the big picture.  are we gonna last?  are we gonna have kids? do i want kids? are we gonna get married or just live together and call it marriage? i was worried about everything but the fundamentals.  can the n.gga return a phone call first before i even worry myself about the honeymoon? when you're young, days feel like forever but now that i'm older, i don't have forever, i have today.  and on my journey to squeeze every ounce of joy out of today, i simply enjoy the beautiful and dispose of the ugly.

3. we often worry if he will still love me when he finds out what i am comprised of.  will he still love me if he knew that i did some dumb things in my past? will he still love me if he knew the number of men i slept with? will he still love me if he knew i didn't get along with my mother? will he still love me if he knew i dyed my bangs red because it looked good on charlie baltimore?  we worry if someone will love us when they know the true us but the bigger concern is if he doesn't know me, the good, the bad and the ugly, how will i know if he truly loves me?  now i'm not advising you to tell your life story to every tom, dick and harry but no one knows your relationship better than you do.  be honest and pace yourself.  get to know him and let him get to know you at a speed you're both comfortable with.  and when you tell him the difficult pieces of your life, give him time to deal with it.  if you're still dealing with it, what makes you think he won't need some time to process it? i've heard from many men that it's difficult to watch a woman they love in pain of any kind, especially when he can't do anything to take it away.  so when you have these difficult conversations, understand that he will be facing some difficulty as well. whether it works or not, once you establish a level of respect, it will be honored, in most cases.  in addition to that, there's a freedom that comes with honesty.  there's a supreme joy in knowing that in spite of everything you are and in light of everything you are not, that person still thinks you're worthy of love. and if they don't, they are not worthy of YOUR love and it will hurt, i'm not even gonna lie to you.  whenever you can't have something you want, it will hurt but being able to search and find for the person that loves you without prejudice will help the wounds heal nicely.

4. every woman needs GREAT female friends.  both of us are SO BLESSED to have female friends that we can count on for absolutely ANYTHING.  whether we speak every day or every three months, we have found an amazing circle of female friends that support, encourage and inspire one another.  we hope that every woman has at least one even though we have several.  thank you baby Jesus.  female friends are important for so many reasons.  we're all going through our trials and tribulations and knowing that we have one another to talk to about those difficult things in our life can make it easier to deal with.  we don't have to bear our burdens alone.  we don't have to be strong ALL the time.  sometimes, you have to borrow one another's strength.  i'm not always going to be the voice of reason and i'm not always going to be the shattered homegirl.  life forces us to be different women at different times and being in a circle of wonderful women makes life bearable.  all i'm saying is this: you are your SISTER'S KEEPER.  she will learn how to love from you. she will learn how to listen from you.  she will learn how to move forward with her life with you by her side.  she will learn the definition of beauty from you.  she will learn what it means to have standards from you.  you will learn from each other.  hold her hand.  whether we have the answers or not, the most important part is that we have someone to ask.

to all of my sisters out there, I LOVE YOU and thank you for loving me. now GO BE GREAT!

you liked...

if you look on the right side of the page, it automatically updated the most popular posts this month! am i the only one that thinks that's pretty cool? ok. what matters is that i'm ecstatic that you're reading!

skinny b.tches are evil

you can fast forward right to the 40 second mark, where sherri says, "you always see the slinky size 2 model but you never know how it will fit on real women..."

i'm sick of it.

EXCUSE ME B.TCH.
whether i'm a size 2 or a size 12, i am a real woman.  seriously, if you consider yourself to be a big girl, please tell me what makes you more of a woman than someone who is smaller.  granted, there is more OF you, but as women, aren't we equals?  aren't we all just as great and as beautiful, no matter what size we wear?  even before Mo'nique advertised the whole 'skinny b.tches are evil' movement, there's always been an unspoken war between 'big girls' and 'skinny b.tches.'  and since no one ever asks the skinny b.tches what we think, i'm here to shed some light on our thoughts.

being called 'skinny' hurts just like being called 'fat' hurts.  why? because being skinny is a white girl's dream and a black girl's nightmare.  outside of 'skinny' and 'fat,' there's 'slim' and there's 'thick' and most of us prefer the latter terms to describe our physical insecurities.  if i'm skinny, why does that mean i don't eat? if i'm skinny, why is it always just attributed to luck and not working out?  why is it ok for you to comment on my weight but no one can comment on yours?  and if skinny b.tches are so evil, then why are so many self proclaimed 'i love my curves' women trying so desperately to lose those same curves? Mo'nique, Toccara, Jennifer Hudson just to name a few.  are you losing weight for your health or your preference?  i really want to know.

every woman has things that she is insecure about.  i've grown to accept that.  i have stretch marks, my legs are WAY too long for my body and if God decides to hand out C cups tomorrow, i might think about it.  being 'skinny' doesn't mean i'm exempt from my own scrutiny.  i don't always find clothes that fit, i don't always fill them out the way i would like. how would you know what my struggles with shopping are if you never bothered to ask? oh, let me take a guess. you don't ask because if they're not your struggles, they're not struggles at all?  your insecurity is not bigger than mine just because you are.  and yes, the media does encourage being slim way more than being thick, but the media also encourages lighter skin, straighter hair and longer lashes.  so after you lose that weight are you going to bleach your skin, get a weave and slap some eyelashes on? probably not.  if you want to let a multibillion dollar industry make you feel bad about your weight then fine but don't you dare disrespect me and mine.  it's not ok for you to pick on others because you feel picked on.  if you are sensitive about your weight, do yourself a favor and assume that i am sensitive about mine.  women as a whole should practice making one another feel better instead of tearing each other down.  calling me evil won't make you any skinnier and you being thick is not a punishment just like being slim isn't a favor.

it is evident that we need to love ourselves for who we are and stop disrespecting others for who we cannot be.  whatever your size, you are REAL. we ain't barbies B.TCH!

[you may have noticed my excessive use of the word 'b.tch.' mo'nique said it first. see how childish we can be?]

friday night lights

I'm too much a fan of raw talent to get sucked in by the commercialization of hip hop.  I can do without the wigs, the chains and countless dances that look like they belong on playgrounds and not on streets where sneakers hang from telephone wires. All I need to know is if you can spit 16 bars in a cypher with your voice bouncing off camera phones and black hoodies.  That being said, I first heard about J. Cole from @danigirlbx.  She played a couple tracks for me from his mixtape appropriately titled the Warm Up.  I admitted then that he was decent, more than decent actually.  His vivid storytelling felt like he had painted a conversation on the inside of my palms.  Then a particular green eyed friend of mine introduced me to my favorite track, Dreams featuring Brandon Hines [who I'm a FAN of and have been since @danigirlbx brought him into my life 4 years ago, thank God for her].  Now, Dreams? Well that song has some lyrical content that could be described as romantic scripture.

Oh my God, I'm walking towards her
My mind screaming stop but my legs keep walking forward
My heartbeat racing and my hands keep shaking
Say something, you shy motherf.cker, she's waiting...


His voice has a subtle hunger laced with hard work, not to mention that he's talking about feelings we've all felt.  I mean, I'm sure every guy has felt like that and every girl wants a guy to feel like that about her.  Even still, with his growing skill and undeniable talent, he graduated from St. John's University in New York City, magna cum laude.  I can respect a man with dreams that doesn't neglect reality.  Recently, he signed with Roc Nation and released his mixtape, Friday Night Lights.  Before I get into the depth of the work itself, let me just say that, it is a deliberate compilation of talent, skill and performance.  Hearing him spit, I can literally envision him in the studio or on the stage soaking up the intensity of the moment. I can imagine his eyebrows furrowed and his lips pursed with the bones of his neck snapping to the bass of the beat, I mean I can see it but what's more important is that I can feel it.  Before I could read the reviews on Friday Nights Lights, whether from entertainment professionals or the population I'm a part of, I had to set time aside to really listen.  After four days of listening to it on repeat, I think I just found my favorite song but I'm apprehensive to say so because every song has a line that has stopped me in tracks to run back and rewind it.  But for the sake of the argument, I will say that Looking for Trouble featuring Pusha T, Kanye West, Cyhi the Prynce and Big Sean might take the spot and I couldn't be happier that he added it as a bonus.  First of all, it is very rare that with all those features, everyone will show up to work with their A game, however J. Cole is a walking prodigy and apparently miracles happen when prodigies are around.  Each verse is lined with wit, hunger and a pure sense of rage which is appropriate for the track.  In telling you a few lines from each artist, I don't want to dissect the track but I do want to highlight the fact that each artist matched each other's talent.  It's an equal distribution of greatness.

Pusha T
Shoveling that devil's angels up they noses
never let jail turn my Shyne into Moses

Kanye West
It's the misogyny
bad bitches massaging me
so please don't judge me, ugh, for the following
fat b.tches swallowing, skinny b.tches modeling...
the devil stay testing
'cause when you chase the pussy, it's a sin
but if it falls in your lap, it's a blessing

Cyhi the Prynce
Boy, we looking for trouble 
maybe if we wasn't black then we wouldn't have struggled...
but don't get it confused when I rap these mellow flows
'cause all my Titos got bricks like a yellow road

Big Sean [his flow is JUST as impressive as what he's saying]
F.ck a hotel, my n.gga we rent houses
my n.gga, we rent houses
so many wedding rings lost in them couches...
I leave females in my sheets and all my feelings in a rubber...
'Ye invited me a seat to sit at the throne
so now I'm snapping like yo' ass just finished a poem
does he sound like 'Ye, Jay or Drizzy Drake?
meanwhile, I'm chilling with all these n.ggas, counting all this money you ain't
consider yourself lucky to see a legend before the prime
a killer before the crime, a big before the dime
greet me with a middle finger when you see me
it's cool, 'cause I can see yo' ass form this side of the tv motherf.cker

J. Cole [it's a sign of bravery and trust that he put himself at the end of this song & I honestly don't think it was a 'save the best for last' move as much as it is a 'the entire song is great and I'm confident you will ride out till the end]
down played me to downgrade me like they don't notice son
your shoes too big too fill? I can barely squeeze my toes in 'em 
this the rap Moses, scratch that, Mary and Joseph's son...
never say I'm better than Hov, but I'm the closest one
yo' b.tch invited me inside her, ain't I supposed to come?
they say you are what you eat and I still ain't pussy
f.ck it, everybody can get it
when you're this hot, everybody's a critic...
went from quarter to broke to half past rich...
what you been praying for? what you been screaming bout?
ironic, you been sleeping on the one that you been dreaming bout


AND THAT WASN'T EVEN THE ENTIRE SONG!  The track itself was well written and like the album, the beat, the instruments, the MUSIC, the literal music was well composed.  The arrangement was delicate and intricate to the mood of his lyricism.  I can honestly say that no matter where I am or what I'm doing, the entire mixtape pulls me into a place created for his music.  Friday Night Lights is not only a piece of work to enjoy but also created to inspire.  He is not only doing what he loves, but he did what he had to do first.  Hard work is not a compromise, it's a habit.

sometimes i'm so south bronx

one of my friends told me that he hates when my South Bronx comes out. it's my rigid, take no prisoners, neck rolling, b.tch i don't play no games attitude.  he thinks i sound totally different and he just hates the rough edges on such a beautiful package.  nonetheless, i'm from the South Bronx and i love the kind of pressure that makes a diamond shine.  it's who i am. and so today, in all of my South Bronx glory, i left the house in a head tie with pin curls and make up on.  nonetheless, i didn't expect to end up at an art gallery in the city but i'm certainly glad i did. in fact, i had to let my hair down for this.

welcome to the World Financial Center [downtown near wall street] where

people can make some interesting displays out of canned goods to fight for a good cause: HUNGER.

Mr. Potato Head 

Alphabet Blocks

A slice of cheese and an apple

One CAN make a difference

Apparently, these are salt and pepper shakers

If you know what this is, you are showing your age! 

If you don't know, it's BATTLESHIP. grow up.

Luigi and the mushroom of life!

Mario and the mushroom of life, Luigi is on the other side.

Self explanatory

PAINT THE TOWN FED...get it? like paint the town red but fed
because we're fighting hunger remember?

This is King Kong and the Empire State Building.
His head is on the top left, see?

Leggos!

On the way out.

KISS HUNGER GOODBYE!