This is the unraveling of a twenty-something year old woman. I broke. I cried. I laughed. I hurt myself and others. I grew a backbone. I did many things and had many things happen to me. This story; well, it's the healing of it all. Enjoy.
I'm glad he didn't give me what I wanted. It was nothing I needed. When I told him to "leap," I never imagined it would be out of my arms. I told him to chase whatever he had faith in. I didn't prepare myself for him having faith in another woman. A part of me is happy for him, truly. He is with the very thing that he has true faith in. He is not making more empty memories with me. He is not robbing me of a magnificent love. He is freeing me from a mediocre one - one which was simply out of comfort. I was his comfort zone, he had to move to really have a chance at living, at loving. I was his safety net and what are safety nets for? They're just there to tell you that you'll be ok when you leap and if you don't land on something amazing, you'll survive landing in something ordinary. It was time to put to use all that I taught him. I thank him for not keeping me. I served my purpose in his life and he served his purpose in mine and maybe when I finally left, her true purpose was revealed. Maybe I made a better man of him and maybe he required me to be more than a safety net for someone else. Either way, we taped each other back up, healed one another and put the other back into the world. I thank him for putting me back into the atmosphere. I was lost in America; wounded by many and recovery was more of a burden than the light at the end of a very dark tunnel. He loved me when I was broken and I loved him before he was a man. He was just a boy with deep dimples when I held him. Still, it made us who we are. It made him for her and it made me for...well me. No matter how tall my tree grows, I will always bear his fruit; ripe with experience and soft to the touch.
Don't read any of this until you watch the video above. Loving intimately after losing someone is a strange thing. Last month, my ex-boyfriend passed away from the same disease that took my father. Since then, every opportunity to love again is overshadowed by this crippling fear. And let me be more specific, losing Daddy has raised questions and concerns I never considered before. Every time I see a wedding, I think to myself, who's going to walk me down the aisle or who's going to lean into my husband's ear and demand that he take care of me. And every time I think of love, I think of sickness. Will he love me when my hair starts to fall out? Will he help me get out of bed when my knees are too weak to carry me? Will he be strong enough to watch me die? In sickness and in health stands out to me now. Every time I think of love, I think of death and if I will find someone to love me through that. I'm terrified. That's what losing daddy does. The last two days, I feel like I started being self-sabotage Tass. I started to pull myself away from it. The fear hovered above me like an overcast and I wish I could define it for you. I wish I could define it for myself. My dad was my first love and the video reminds me of that - how hard it is to lose and how all the preparation in the world doesn't make it easier. While love is love, romance changes often. Love letters and intimate dinners used to be romantic. And now, letting me watch my favorite show even if football is on is pretty romantic. Or telling me that I'm still beautiful with only half of my hair blow-dried. Romance changes and I guess, the fear is that I won't find a love grand enough to survive something as scary as cancer. Daddy said the same thing Danny said, 'he has a poor gift for me and it's himself but he gives it to me anyway.' I have no fear that I won't find someone amazing like that or that I haven't already. I just want to know if like Danny and Daddy, will he love me to death? [thank you Tyler for the video]
