Danny and Annie

Don't read any of this until you watch the video above.

Loving intimately after losing someone is a strange thing.  Last month, my ex-boyfriend passed away from the same disease that took my father.  Since then, every opportunity to love again is overshadowed by this crippling fear.  And let me be more specific, losing Daddy has raised questions and concerns I never considered before.  Every time I see a wedding, I think to myself, who's going to walk me down the aisle or who's going to lean into my husband's ear and demand that he take care of me.  And every time I think of love, I think of sickness.  Will he love me when my hair starts to fall out? Will he help me get out of bed when my knees are too weak to carry me?  Will he be strong enough to watch me die?  In sickness and in health stands out to me now.  Every time I think of love, I think of death and if I will find someone to love me through that.  I'm terrified.  That's what losing daddy does.

The last two days, I feel like I started being self-sabotage Tass.  I started to pull myself away from it.  The fear hovered above me like an overcast and I wish I could define it for you.  I wish I could define it for myself.  My dad was my first love and the video reminds me of that - how hard it is to lose and how all the preparation in the world doesn't make it easier.  

While love is love, romance changes often.  Love letters and intimate dinners used to be romantic.  And now, letting me watch my favorite show even if football is on is pretty romantic.  Or telling me that I'm still beautiful with only half of my hair blow-dried.  Romance changes and I guess, the fear is that I won't find a love grand enough to survive something as scary as cancer.  Daddy said the same thing Danny said, 'he has a poor gift for me and it's himself but he gives it to me anyway.'  

I have no fear that I won't find someone amazing like that or that I haven't already. I just want to know if like Danny and Daddy, will he love me to death?

[thank you Tyler for the video]