Bittersweet Curse of the Heartbreaker

I know he likes me. And he could be anybody. He could be sitting next to me in class or lying next to me as the sun comes up shining its rays through Section 8 housing and desolate parks. He could be parking in my unofficial spot outside my house or buying a pack of cigarettes in front of me at the bodega. In any instance, he likes me. And I could see it in his eyes, I can feel it when he hugs me. I see in my call log that he likes me.

But in my head, I have no idea what that means. I'm lying. I know exactly what that means. It means that I will hold his heart in my hand and break it. And as much as I try to like him back, I will never let myself love him. I consider his desire for me a weakness and weakness is hard to respect and harder to love. Logically, I know that this notion is completely irrational but then again, rational never got me anywhere.

"I don't want you talking to anyone else."

"That sounds like monogamy."

"No, I don't wanna be monogamous, I just got out of a relationship."

"Then your 'monogamous' expectations are therefore null and void."

(I use blue and pink to depict the gender construction of today's society:: blue for him, pink for her)

[disclaimer: I'm not saying I agree, it's just the way it is...for now. Back to the regularly scheduled program)

And because it is the way it is, his honesty defined my reality. As he confessed that he slept with someone else in the meantime, I felt my emotions take over and my mind let loose. My distaste for his lack of control slipped through my lips while his feelings slipped through my fingers.

I watched our memories paint the pavement with the oil of our orgasms. And it was over that fast. His behavior had now inspired mine. His crave for flesh with no regard to mine had brought out the malicious side of me. The dark side of me took over the conversation and it took over the potential we once discovered over a few pina coladas and shrimp alfredo. I looked at him and saw my past trying to tempt my present. His lips touched mine, but our souls walked in opposite directions.

If I could not be the only one, I would never be the one.