long strides and short steps.
she thinks it's the cape that makes me superwoman. so be it.
little girls wear women's shoes.
sip sip sip...
sometimes i'm stank. so what?
but sometimes i'm not.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
growth
it's been one of those days. one of those weeks rather.
you taught me what love is...in the shower, on the table and on the floor
you taught me the motion of giving like open seas under a dark sky
you taught me that learning was essential to teaching
and so the pupil became the teacher.
you taught me what love is...in the shower, on the table and on the floor
you taught me the motion of giving like open seas under a dark sky
you taught me that learning was essential to teaching
and so the pupil became the teacher.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
do you feel neglected?
i changed my phone number simply to make it harder for people to find me with their bullsh.t
the nightmares are back. probably because i haven't been addressing what scares me the most when i'm awake.
the nightmares are back. probably because i haven't been addressing what scares me the most when i'm awake.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
new lease on life
my car spun out of control. just like my life.
but it didn't kill me.
not this time. not yet.
i saw the movie "JUST WRIGHT."
it was good, really good. so good that it made me wish for true love. the kind of love that is written all over his face so i won't have to write about it anymore. it made me wish for the kind of love that i've only seen in movies because black love is like an eclipse. out of reach. rare. probably way before my time.
nonetheless, the movie was good and i'm just hoping my life will be better.
but it didn't kill me.
not this time. not yet.
i saw the movie "JUST WRIGHT."
it was good, really good. so good that it made me wish for true love. the kind of love that is written all over his face so i won't have to write about it anymore. it made me wish for the kind of love that i've only seen in movies because black love is like an eclipse. out of reach. rare. probably way before my time.
nonetheless, the movie was good and i'm just hoping my life will be better.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
when you believe.
sometimes when you're surprised that i graduated, i feel like you didn't have faith in me to begin with. and i can't help but wonder why? was it the baby? was it my upbringing? was it my attitude? was it the idea that a little brown girl with immigrant parents that had a baby at 19 could never amount to anything other than what's she's been?
and i can't even blame you. i study patterns and predict behavior. by all means, i probably wasn't supposed to be sh.t. i probably shouldn't have been articulate, witty, emotional considering i had to manifest that within myself all on my own.
this may sound blasphemous but sometimes i feel like is God is making my childhood up to me when he gives me great friends and great relationships. i feel like God just says, 'she NEEDS something/someone GOOD right now.' and i'm thankful, don't get me wrong. so thankful and so blessed. but i am awfully tired.
tired that the only way people realize i'm strong is by testing my strength. and i don't know if it's easier to be weak because that's not how i was designed BUT there are plenty of times that I just want to lay down, close my eyes and throw the white flag in. that would be a suicide of sorts but whenever i consider how relaxing it might be to give up this life, i realize how much i need to GIVE TO THIS LIFE.
somebody believed in me. somebody loved me. somebody went out on the line for me. so the least i could do is wake up everyday and do what you don't think i can ...and that is THRIVE.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
i love you because you're a hypocrite
'"why can't you see i'm crazy about you?" [him]
"bun pickney neva near flame" [burned children never get close to fire] [granny]
they weren't talking to each other but they should have been. contrary to popular belief, one can have self esteem and doubt all at the same time and in the same mind. sometimes, we're so busy looking at the big picture that we forget to connect the dots.
you can find a pot of gold amidst your pennies. in laymen's terms, just because you've given up doesn't mean everyone else has.
close your eyes. and i assure you when you open them, he'll be right there.
"bun pickney neva near flame" [burned children never get close to fire] [granny]
they weren't talking to each other but they should have been. contrary to popular belief, one can have self esteem and doubt all at the same time and in the same mind. sometimes, we're so busy looking at the big picture that we forget to connect the dots.
you can find a pot of gold amidst your pennies. in laymen's terms, just because you've given up doesn't mean everyone else has.
close your eyes. and i assure you when you open them, he'll be right there.
my uterus went to work
motherhood is the type of thing i wasn't made for.
i just wanted to be the cool aunty, the carefree, traveling, has way too many boyfriends for her own good aunty.
i wanted to be a child's haven from their frustration with their parents but instead i became one.
and some people seem to think that just because i had a baby, i was destined for motherhood. nope. not in the least. i drink way too much coca cola, i daydream 90% of the day, i hate making plans and i have a phobia of commitment.
the truth is, i BECAME a mother, i wasn't born one.
my belly got bigger and my ego got smaller.
the funny thing about the process of motherhood is that it can never be just one emotion. it's a plethora of emotions. few are positive and most are negative. i'm constantly at my weakest with my heart walking outside of my body but at the same time, mothers have a superhuman strength when it comes to our offspring.
i would die for my child but let it be known, i will kill for her as well. and that in itself is a scary thought, because everyday i wake up, i'm balancing between life and death.
she's the most expensive invaluable item that has ever been placed in my hands. isn't that sh.t confusing?
what i will say is this: out of all my achievements, i can't even take credit for having her. becoming pregnant is bigger than just me and just him. it's something that can't be described in the physical and i'll just leave it at that.
in essence, i believe our children are the best parts of us. the reincarnation of our strengths that we just didn't put to good use. i can only look at children in amazement. how precious they are. it just doesn't add up how two imperfect people can make a perfect one.
i hope that her heart is bigger than her attitude. i hope that she uses her father's intelligence more than she uses his temper. i hope that she becomes friends with sacrifice and acquaintances with struggle. i hope that there is a man that loves her a quarter as much as i do because then i know she will be in good hands. i hope that the first boy to break her heart breaks his damn neck. i mean that. i hope her friends will be direct reflections of her heart - kind, nurturing and understanding. i hope that she thinks i'm beautiful but knows that the prettiest part of me is her. i hope that she finds God before she feels lost. i hope that when she looks in the mirror, she doesn't feel like a mistake. i hope that she appreciates her young parents instead of despising us. i have high hopes.
i just wanted to be the cool aunty, the carefree, traveling, has way too many boyfriends for her own good aunty.
i wanted to be a child's haven from their frustration with their parents but instead i became one.
and some people seem to think that just because i had a baby, i was destined for motherhood. nope. not in the least. i drink way too much coca cola, i daydream 90% of the day, i hate making plans and i have a phobia of commitment.
the truth is, i BECAME a mother, i wasn't born one.
my belly got bigger and my ego got smaller.
the funny thing about the process of motherhood is that it can never be just one emotion. it's a plethora of emotions. few are positive and most are negative. i'm constantly at my weakest with my heart walking outside of my body but at the same time, mothers have a superhuman strength when it comes to our offspring.
i would die for my child but let it be known, i will kill for her as well. and that in itself is a scary thought, because everyday i wake up, i'm balancing between life and death.
she's the most expensive invaluable item that has ever been placed in my hands. isn't that sh.t confusing?
what i will say is this: out of all my achievements, i can't even take credit for having her. becoming pregnant is bigger than just me and just him. it's something that can't be described in the physical and i'll just leave it at that.
in essence, i believe our children are the best parts of us. the reincarnation of our strengths that we just didn't put to good use. i can only look at children in amazement. how precious they are. it just doesn't add up how two imperfect people can make a perfect one.
i hope that her heart is bigger than her attitude. i hope that she uses her father's intelligence more than she uses his temper. i hope that she becomes friends with sacrifice and acquaintances with struggle. i hope that there is a man that loves her a quarter as much as i do because then i know she will be in good hands. i hope that the first boy to break her heart breaks his damn neck. i mean that. i hope her friends will be direct reflections of her heart - kind, nurturing and understanding. i hope that she thinks i'm beautiful but knows that the prettiest part of me is her. i hope that she finds God before she feels lost. i hope that when she looks in the mirror, she doesn't feel like a mistake. i hope that she appreciates her young parents instead of despising us. i have high hopes.
Friday, May 7, 2010
i need this.
give me strength to love the family i have, the family i made and the family i've found.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
where does a man fit in?
"you don't want him sexually, don't need him financially, won't allow him mentally. so where does a man fit in?"
hell, i'm trying to figure out the same thing. what i have figured out though, is that you have started to figure me out. that's the realest sh.t you've ever said.
good f.cking question.
hell, i'm trying to figure out the same thing. what i have figured out though, is that you have started to figure me out. that's the realest sh.t you've ever said.
good f.cking question.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
it's about that time folks.
ahem
I urge you...that's the title, the message and the expectation. all in three words.
college is one of those things you either get or you don't
it's where you will either learn or you won't
it's the kind of place where you dye your hair, get your lip pierced, change your major, not once but twice
this is where even the most modest at heart will learn to fight
this is where you will get your heart broken, a teacher that doesn't speak English, and the most insignificant amount of financial aid
this is where you'll be MADE
i urge you to say words you can't pronounce, i urge you to smile at someone who is not, i urge you to be the best when it feels like everyone is showing you their worst...
yes and even more when it hurts...
i urge you to learn what love is slowly and how to let go quickly
i urge you to be smart in and out of the classroom
know that the oxidation state of nitrogen is negative three and know to the take the shuttle home late at night...you have no excuse...it's free
i urge you to call your parents before you become one
and not just to ask for money but just to say hi
because there's nothing worse than coming home just to say goodbye
i urge you to learn the value of a quarter by doing your own laundry
learn the value of time by waiting for the bus
learn the value of money by having none
and learn the value of a local in this area by becoming one
i urge you to visit homeless shelters like you do facebook
and go to the gym like you go to parties
and thank whoever it is you pray to because when you want something, you usually find a way to
i urge you to realize that the best thing you can wear is a smile
name brands are nice but you could have fed Haiti with that Coach bag you have at that price
i urge you
i urge you
i urge you
to fulfill the expectations you have set for yourself, inspire others and don't worry about money when value is actually in WEALTH
be rich in wisdom and be rich in spirit
i urge you that no matter what you do with life, JUST LIVE IT.
I urge you...that's the title, the message and the expectation. all in three words.
college is one of those things you either get or you don't
it's where you will either learn or you won't
it's the kind of place where you dye your hair, get your lip pierced, change your major, not once but twice
this is where even the most modest at heart will learn to fight
this is where you will get your heart broken, a teacher that doesn't speak English, and the most insignificant amount of financial aid
this is where you'll be MADE
i urge you to say words you can't pronounce, i urge you to smile at someone who is not, i urge you to be the best when it feels like everyone is showing you their worst...
yes and even more when it hurts...
i urge you to learn what love is slowly and how to let go quickly
i urge you to be smart in and out of the classroom
know that the oxidation state of nitrogen is negative three and know to the take the shuttle home late at night...you have no excuse...it's free
i urge you to call your parents before you become one
and not just to ask for money but just to say hi
because there's nothing worse than coming home just to say goodbye
i urge you to learn the value of a quarter by doing your own laundry
learn the value of time by waiting for the bus
learn the value of money by having none
and learn the value of a local in this area by becoming one
i urge you to visit homeless shelters like you do facebook
and go to the gym like you go to parties
and thank whoever it is you pray to because when you want something, you usually find a way to
i urge you to realize that the best thing you can wear is a smile
name brands are nice but you could have fed Haiti with that Coach bag you have at that price
i urge you
i urge you
i urge you
to fulfill the expectations you have set for yourself, inspire others and don't worry about money when value is actually in WEALTH
be rich in wisdom and be rich in spirit
i urge you that no matter what you do with life, JUST LIVE IT.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
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