my uterus went to work

motherhood is the type of thing i wasn't made for.
i just wanted to be the cool aunty, the carefree, traveling, has way too many boyfriends for her own good aunty.
i wanted to be a child's haven from their frustration with their parents but instead i became one.
and some people seem to think that just because i had a baby, i was destined for motherhood. nope. not in the least. i drink way too much coca cola, i daydream 90% of the day, i hate making plans and i have a phobia of commitment.


the truth is, i BECAME a mother, i wasn't born one.
my belly got bigger and my ego got smaller.
the funny thing about the process of motherhood is that it can never be just one emotion.  it's a plethora of emotions. few are positive and most are negative. i'm constantly at my weakest with my heart walking outside of my body but at the same time, mothers have a superhuman strength when it comes to our offspring.
i would die for my child but let it be known, i will kill for her as well.  and that in itself is a scary thought, because everyday i wake up, i'm balancing between life and death.  
she's the most expensive invaluable item that has ever been placed in my hands.  isn't that sh.t confusing?


what i will say is this: out of all my achievements, i can't even take credit for having her. becoming pregnant is bigger than just me and just him. it's something that can't be described in the physical and i'll just leave it at that.


in essence, i believe our children are the best parts of us. the reincarnation of our strengths that we just didn't put to good use.  i can only look at children in amazement. how precious they are.  it just doesn't add up how two imperfect people can make a perfect one.  


i hope that her heart is bigger than her attitude. i hope that she uses her father's intelligence more than she uses his temper.  i hope that she becomes friends with sacrifice and acquaintances with struggle.  i hope that there is a man that loves her a quarter as much as i do because then i know she will be in good hands.  i hope that the first boy to break her heart breaks his damn neck. i mean that.  i hope her friends will be direct reflections of her heart - kind, nurturing and understanding.  i hope that she thinks i'm beautiful but knows that the prettiest part of me is her.  i hope that she finds God before she feels lost.  i hope that when she looks in the mirror, she doesn't feel like a mistake.  i hope that she appreciates her young parents instead of despising us.  i have high hopes.

but i've learned one thing though. my only job in life is to preserve, enhance and guide hers. and that's just what i'm going to do.