when you believe.

sometimes when you're surprised that i graduated, i feel like you didn't have faith in me to begin with.  and i can't help but wonder why? was it the baby? was it my upbringing? was it my attitude? was it the idea that a little brown girl with immigrant parents that had a baby at 19 could never amount to anything other than what's she's been?

and i can't even blame you. i study patterns and predict behavior.  by all means, i probably wasn't supposed to be sh.t.  i probably shouldn't have been articulate, witty, emotional considering i had to manifest that within myself all on my own.

this may sound blasphemous but sometimes i feel like is God is making my childhood up to me when he gives me great friends and great relationships.  i feel like God just says, 'she NEEDS something/someone GOOD right now.' and i'm thankful, don't get me wrong. so thankful and so blessed. but i am awfully tired.

tired that the only way people realize i'm strong is by testing my strength. and i don't know if it's easier to be weak because that's not how i was designed BUT there are plenty of times that I just want to lay down, close my eyes and throw the white flag in.  that would be a suicide of sorts but whenever i consider how relaxing it might be to give up this life, i realize how much i need to GIVE TO THIS LIFE.

somebody believed in me. somebody loved me. somebody went out on the line for me. so the least i could do is wake up everyday and do what you don't think i can ...and that is THRIVE.