I struggled with how to return to you. I searched for the right way to say "I'm here y'all. I'm back from the dead or so it seems." Nothing seemed appropriate or witty enough so I'll start with "Hello."
My name is Tassika and 2012 was easily the most devastating year of my life. Did I tell you that already? Well, whatever. I'm still not ready to disclose all the reasons why yet but at least I'm one step closer today than I was yesterday. 2012 was the catalyst to writing and completing my first novel. It had been in the works for years to come, I mean this blog is the beginning of it. But last year, God moved himself in my life so viciously that I had to sit still and observe. In my observation, I discovered so many things about others but especially about myself. The more I observed, the more I found a stillness in my own soul, and the more words came rushing out of me. I promise you, there were tidal waves of wisdom coming through my fingertips. What else could I do but write a book? Maybe I could have talked it out but I am much more fluent on paper - that in itself is a gift and a curse.
Anyway, I came back to tell you that the book is complete in the sense that I know how it ends, I know its purpose and I figured out how much of myself and my observations I'm willing to expose. The writing will never end. I'm constantly editing, tweaking, adding commas, pauses and sessions of lovemaking every time I look at it. So, in a sense, it's also not done, but the version I have designated specifically for you? Well, we can say that's done and in its final stages of completion. What took me so long? I had it all figured out until I didn't. Something else happened (like I needed another disappointment) and it convinced me that I must change the ending. I had to tackle the feeling too many of us feel - the feeling of not being good enough, not being chosen. In hindsight, I couldn't believe that I didn't mention that, considering that the feeling of insignificance is sweeping across our population in monstrous proportions killing some of us quickly and others slowly. It is a sad epidemic and I want to say there is a cure but even in my own self awareness, I know that there is none. The feeling of not being good enough is a disease that sits quietly in your veins and flares up at the most inconvenient of times. It is mostly dependent on external factors and even the most confident person will have moments of frustration, defeat, unworthiness and low self esteem. The worst part is being made to feel any of those things because of someone you love. And I am so sorry but there is no cure for the person you love, not loving you back. It is not a wound that time can heal nor is it a wound that is purely superficial. That kind of disappointment can very well be fatal.
But because I can talk so candidly about sadness, I have also learned how to be vocal about joy. Joy is easily becoming one of my favorite words by the way. Moving forward, there is joy in each of you. That joy is defined by your purpose and your purpose is defined by you. Defeat is a choice. It's a pitiful one, one that I am far too familiar with but it is still a choice. We choose to die in the arms of people we love. We choose to accept the mediocre men and the whining women. We choose to settle for a job instead of chasing our careers. We choose to torture ourselves with old memories instead of exciting ourselves at the thought of making new ones. I am telling you, from the bottom of my heart, CHOOSE YOURSELF. You are so much powerful than the combination of events that you have gone through. And I will also tell you this - serving brings you more of what you need than what you give. Did you hear me?
SERVING BRINGS YOU MORE OF WHAT YOU NEED THAN WHAT YOU GIVE.
It's up to you to decide who and what you're serving but keep in mind that what you receive from it is a byproduct of that decision. If you serve hate and judgment, you are going to get loneliness and depression in return. If you serve hope and passion, you are going to get favor and opportunities in return. The decision is ultimately yours but remember, within you lies the POWER TO PROCEED.
Personally, these last few months, I have felt so much joy, unspeakable joy, the kind of joy that you hear in Whitney's voice when she's singing gospel. And don't get me wrong, I've felt pain too, the pain of not being good enough and not being chosen. But I chose to multiply the joy. I made the decision to focus on the joy and that joy was the healing. You know how they say, "a watched pot never boils?" The same applies to your own heartbreak. The heart does not heal in front of you, it heals in spite of you. Focus on the joy and the healing. Focus on serving and the blessings will pour themselves into your lap. Focus on your purpose and your passion will give you wings. I know these things to be true, so true that almost 60,000 words of healing poured out of me. Yes I have been hurt but yes, I have also been healed. I love you.
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