Hold My Hand

I think I snapped 
Like the bones of paper airplanes
The air stuck to my skin like angry words and sex sweat
I could feel the chill of him compete with my browning
He was the most handsome man in the world to me
He had a smile of honor, eyes of seduction and the collarbone of Christ
He was everything I imagined beauty to be
And I loved him, greatly
To the core of my being
To the breath on my lips 
To an infinity that was never promised to me 
I loved him in time I did not have
I wanted him to understand this
I wanted him to know that this love was sacred
Wrapped in the scrolls of the testament 
Written in the same graphite as the Ten Commandments
I wanted him to understand this love that erupted from the pit of my soul
This was never about me
It couldn't be
I yelled
I screamed and I cried asking him 


"When was the last time you got on your knees and begged God to keep ME in YOUR life?!"
"When was the last time you humbled yourself to beg at MY feet for more time!?"
"When was the last time you had to ask me to love you?!"
"Tell me when you laid your soul at the edge of my bed to be comforted and I did not receive you"
"Tell me when was the last time you jumped up out of your sleep reaching for me!"
And then I whispered, 
"Would you even blink an eye if I got up and walked out of your life?"


I wanted to know, sh.t I needed to know 
The humility rushed through me
I was tired of being called crazy
And sick of 'not making sense'
I probably didn't make sense
I probably was crazy
Maybe I was being a brat
Maybe I didn't deserve what I had been asking for
But when the only thing that makes sense is loving you, then how wrong could I be?


I wished that he could love me an ounce of what I loved him with 
Then maybe he would be scratching at my door
Maybe he would bring me lunch because the thought of me not eating would make HIM sick
Maybe we wouldn't be here right now


I sobbed 
Stuck in my own tragedy 
Confused by the morbid sound which was my voice


"I wake up every day loving you. I wish I didn't.  I want to love someone else.  I wish I could love the men who love me, but every morning my heart decides not to.  And I go back to loving you.  Wondering if you're cold, if you're hungry, if you remembered to turn off your bathroom light before you left the house.  I do not wish to love you, I wish that you could love me back."


He stared at me in silence
Possibly shaken still by my shattering words
I did not wonder what was going through his mind
I was more concerned with his heart
Wondering if it was still beating and if it was thinking of me 


"You ask me why I want to see you and every time I have an answer.  I think, you think that one day you will stump me and I will run out of things to say.  You won't.  I have a million things to say.  Sometimes I just want to see you smile.  Sometimes I want to borrow your strength and pretend that I'm as strong as you.  Sometimes, I just want you to hold my hand.  Nobody holds my hand.  
I 
forgot
what 
your 
hand 
feels 
like 
and nobody holds my hand."


My body shook at its own revelations
I had been crying for months
Silently 
Afraid that my yelling would make him run
I kept quiet
Not trying to stir the little serenity I had found in his dimples
But I snapped 
Finally understanding that loving him helped me realize how he didn't love me


I swear, I had hummingbirds in my throat and I cried nectar from my eyes
My heart melted right through my chest and my panties were wet with just the memory
I now had lilies for bones, my limbs bending out of their way to reach the sun
Even the back of my knees remembered his name


I felt God in my ear
My bottom lip trembled like feathers in flight
Sitting there, glued to the leather of my chair 
So busy being afraid that I would lose him that I didn't notice he didn't want to be found
I struggled under the listening sky
Wondering how did I grow to love this much
Tried to figure out when my pain got this deep
When did I get so dark
So fragile
So manic
I tried to remember if when we were making love, if he helped at all…


I couldn't even bring myself to look him in the eye in fear of them being empty yet still not having enough room for me
We had a lot of time between us but we also had too much space
I cried wishing he could love me back


And then 


I felt his hand on mine
No one had ever held my hand before