Looking for the Spark

I have a lot of female friends and I am a female and we’re all looking for the spark.  It happens all the time.  A nice guy comes along, buys flowers, cupcakes, remembers our birthdays and never forgets to send a text message but instead of JUST appreciating him, we add the clause, “But there’s no spark!”  

-_-

I am a woman who has watched my friends grow into amazing women themselves.  They are goal oriented, ambitious, compassionate, gorgeous, hilarious and well rounded individuals.  They deserve all the great things nice guys have to offer but they and even me often overlook his efforts in search of the infamous ‘spark’.  Don’t act like you don’t know what the spark is.  You know the butterflies, the excitement, the chase, the anxiety – basically whatever makes your blood pressure go up.  You have convinced yourself (and I blame you, because I know he didn’t bring up anything about a damn spark) that those feelings represent a chemistry between you and him and without that, there can be no you and him.  

Ladies, if you ever take anything from me, take this – YOU ARE THE SPARK.  That’s why he’s interested in you.  That’s why he takes time out of his day to improve the quality of yours.  That’s why he remembers the little details about your personality like the fact that you want your water room temperature and not ice cold.  That’s the reason he’ll spend a half hour sitting with you to wait for your train rather than not seeing you at all that day.  That’s why he’s being the nice guy, because YOU ARE THE SPARK and he’s a moth to a flame.  As women and adults, how long are we going to be controlled by our own lust?  Is it really more important that you start getting butterflies than getting inspired?  Think about it.  What’s the sexiest thing you can find in a man?  

When I was 20, I used to be starstruck over this one guy.  Let’s call him Brandon. (To date, there’s only been two guys that have accomplished taking my breath away, I’m not that easy to impress)  When Brandon walked into a room, I just used to stare.  It did not even make sense to me why God made that man so beautiful.  When he was just breathing, it looked like he was shooting an editorial.  His looks were effortless.  Because I was in such awe of him, I often prayed he wouldn’t even notice me.  I could not take the pressure.  The sexiest thing about him was just him – no effort, no work, no nothing.  Standing there was all he needed to do.  All that spark and we made no progress.  Absolutely none. Fast forward a few years later – I’ve gotten over Brandon taking my breath away.  He’s still very handsome but I do not feel butterflies.  I'm not that 20 year old girl with an elementary school crush anymore.  Looking good is not enough.  What’s the sexiest thing about Brandon now?  His ambition!  The way he goes to sleep late after working on his resume and then wakes up early just to get back to it after already having an established career and a prominent side hustle.  I’m fanning myself just thinking about it.  No longer is it enough for him to just stand in front of me like Adonis.  Maybe my blood pressure doesn’t go up but my chances at stability sure do.  How important or shallow is your definition of ‘spark?’  When he puts work into his own life and the life we seemingly share with one another day by day, I feel like I am the spark.  I feel special when I’m treated as such and that’s what sets my heart on fire.  

The spark that we describe is really just drama, the up and down of not knowing but YET we all scream that we want stability.  Stability does not rest on a flame that might burn your whole house down.  Why is it that when someone treats you good, you find another reason to make him and his efforts insufficient?  Are we too skeptical?  Are we so damaged that when someone makes us feel good, it feels like a setup?  Have we been so wired to watch fairytales that we forget to live out our own?  

And why don’t we celebrate what the nice guys do?  I think we’ve become so conditioned to playing the background that appreciating a good man almost feels like we’re bragging.  We were raised to be humble and I believe that’s a big part of the reason that we don’t credit ourselves often, much less our men.  Do we say, “Mark got me a dozen roses after I had a bad week, I’m so glad to have him in my life” more than we say, “Let me tell you what this fool did now?”  Do we unite through heartbreak instead of rejoice?  And when a man does something nice for us, why do we find something wrong with him instead of realizing that something is wrong with us?  Do you NOT think you are worthy of being celebrated?

Instead of looking for the spark, realize that he's already found the spark and that's why he's courting you.  Believe that in the same way, you are ready to put your King on a pedestal, there is a man out there that sees in you a Queen and is willing to do the same.  The spark is not a set of butterflies, ladies.  The spark is success.