growl.

i fight. it's what i do. i've been fighting my whole life, whether it's to be noticed between all of my siblings or to be noticed for my mind instead of my face.  i never had a public defender.  my mother is often too timid to fight my battles, even as a child and especially as an adult.  my grandmother has always been in my corner but often too far to stand up for me when i don't have the strength to do it myself.  i say this to say, that i do not fight because i'm immature or because i need attention.  i fight as a reminder to myself and to those around me that i am not a punching bag.  i fight because most people take my silence as a weakness.  i fight because if i didn't throw my hands, people would throw me around. 

and as people judge and tell me to let go, i remind you of this: before you tell someone to let go, find out what they are really holding on to.  some characters in this game of life have no voice.  some characters want a raise for doing less work.  some characters forget my name in the credits. 

i understand relationships fail and i even understand how lovers become strangers but i don't understand how mothers do not love fathers.  i do not understand how you can create life without building one.  i do not understand how people lie so small when the truth is so much more powerful.  i do not understand why people do not appreciate when they are spared from disgrace.  i do not understand, please forgive me but i do not understand hurting the one person who has never hurt you.

betrayal disappoints me.  lies disgust me. and expectations fall short.
and even though i can describe how i feel, i cannot understand it.

hindsight is 20/20

if i crossed my legs every time you crossed my mind, we would be in a better place now.

it's been a long time

i've been neglecting this blog like a good relationship gone bad.  it's not that we're growing apart, but i'm so busy living this life that i haven't found the time to write about it.  what have i learned in the meanwhile?  i've learned to love from a distance.  i've learned that happiness is really not a destination but a journey.  not to sound cliche, but it's true.

i've spent so much time trying to get OVER someone or something, that i didn't even realize i was getting THROUGH it.  i can't even paraphrase ... just hold on.

i almsot forgot what you tasted like
but spoiled milk is something you never forget
when i catch red lights at your corner
i no longer feel like knocking on the door or using my keys
it's just another red light in a sea of green
and believe me when i say i'm ready to go
sometimes i have to pretend your dead and gone so i can keep living
either way, we're moving
in opposite directions
i'm finally ahead of myself with you behind me
and i can't say it's been easy
but then again i've always liked u better hard

a picture is worth a thousand words

that two toned hair...business in the front...party in the back...

modern day mullet...

umm...as long as you're passionate about something, i guess.

dip it low. twice if you like it.

       oops!

ladies sit with their legs closed and their hearts open.

nope, we're not impressed. not one bit.

fall head over heels, but only for cartwheels!

shirley temple curls but my name aint shirley...

silly gal in a cocktail dress.

tina turner's our auntie. i'm convinced.

i like a long hair, thick red bone...

candid...

forever young

they look so happy. perfect verse over a tight beat type sh.t...watch how even their footsteps are in sync.  if this is what true love looks like...please repeat.

while we're on the topic of beautiful couples.

gives me something to think about...

do i have a way with words or do words have a way with me?

something like the chicken and the egg story. which came first? who knows?

it's about time...

i went on a date!

and the exclamation point does not insinuate my excitement but rather how proud i am that i actually did it.

---->

figured that shirt was too low cut.

didn't want him glancing at my goodies.

actually i did.

but i'm a lady.

and he's a grown ass man.

so i lost the shirt. 

and figured the smile could stay.

i kept it simple.

from my makeup, to my outfit.

and straight over to my expectations.

we laughed. a lot.

took a walk. a long walk.

in my stilettos. 

i gather he was worth it.

talked about my mom, his mom and our career goals.

talked about broken bones.

left out the part about broken hearts.

talked about religion.

we're the same denomination.

laughed about celibacy.

did not laugh about motorcycle injuries.

he's a smart ass.

but i wouldn't date a dumb ass. 

so i got smart.

he put me in my place.

as long as he knows i have one.

we didn't kiss.

and that's ok.

---->

i'm serious.

about dating.

in a non serious way.

mama's baby

motherhood. isn't it the cutest?

candid

that's what life is all about.

candid shots.

more coming soon. out of life, that is.

like a virgin, touched for the very 1st time

the thing about being celibate is that it makes you realize who's worth giving it up for. 

sandstorms

"no matter what happens, i love you." [i believed you]

i migrate to you like calm seas to the moon
starlights gaze over starfish
and your heartbeat tames even the most starving shark


the waves clash
the salt sticks in the air like pheromones to flesh
and my reflections beats against rocks with a face i no longer recognize


i can't remember what i wore yesterday
but i remember so vividly when we made vows in the shower
under warm water and burning hearts
that's where marriage begins and where two halves become one


your childhood, your battered mother, your broke father
i remember your secrets
but i'm a secret you can't seem to remember
but who am i to judge? 
especially when i can't figure out if you're the plaintiff or the defendant
or the accused or the accusing
and if i could serve as your jury
i would sentence you to life
with
me


but neither of us can tell if that's freedom or entrapment
so i walked from the courtroom to the beach
to drown my tears in the sea and bathe in remorse
and our lives have crossed, not into a bleeding cross to bear but into an X because that's what you are


i submerge into the sand
from dust to dust
going back to the beginning 
where reflections aren't tainted with sex and betrayal
where love is not a noun but rather a living verb


and just because you broke my spirit doesn't mean i broke into your house
but wouldn't that make sense?
if there were price tags on my soul, i could charge u for breaking and entering, property damage and theft
but since emotions don't count 
in numbers at least
your shattered home is more important than my shattered heart


you selfish son of a b.tch
and i know i'm the b.tch because i gave u a life your mother wasn't responsible for
but even though you think this is a guilt trip, it's not
guilt is a destination, not a journey
and you are home, where you belong


guilty of breaking the woman who put you back together
guilty of using my oxygen to make your chest rise
guilty of emptying my account and leaving my emotions bankrupt
now we're both 
broke
broke
broken


shattered glass and shattered dreams
love aint what it seems
and even deep waters begin as shallow seas
so f.ck you for leaving me.

it's story time

look what I found? yes that's miss monroe! 

d.c. thank you for that.

on another note, let me tell y'all how i behaved myself.  what i learned? causing trouble feels so much better.