growl.

i fight. it's what i do. i've been fighting my whole life, whether it's to be noticed between all of my siblings or to be noticed for my mind instead of my face.  i never had a public defender.  my mother is often too timid to fight my battles, even as a child and especially as an adult.  my grandmother has always been in my corner but often too far to stand up for me when i don't have the strength to do it myself.  i say this to say, that i do not fight because i'm immature or because i need attention.  i fight as a reminder to myself and to those around me that i am not a punching bag.  i fight because most people take my silence as a weakness.  i fight because if i didn't throw my hands, people would throw me around. 

and as people judge and tell me to let go, i remind you of this: before you tell someone to let go, find out what they are really holding on to.  some characters in this game of life have no voice.  some characters want a raise for doing less work.  some characters forget my name in the credits. 

i understand relationships fail and i even understand how lovers become strangers but i don't understand how mothers do not love fathers.  i do not understand how you can create life without building one.  i do not understand how people lie so small when the truth is so much more powerful.  i do not understand why people do not appreciate when they are spared from disgrace.  i do not understand, please forgive me but i do not understand hurting the one person who has never hurt you.

betrayal disappoints me.  lies disgust me. and expectations fall short.
and even though i can describe how i feel, i cannot understand it.