transformation

would a caterpillar even matter if we didn't know it would eventually turn into a butterfly?

we are the seasons

i had to close my eyes to write this one.  sometimes in order to make something real, you have to remove yourself from reality.


it occurred to me the other day that the rest of our lives has begun.  we're making decisions that matter right now.  children, marriage, careers, housing...together or apart, it's to set up for a life we want or rather, we feel we deserve.  but things are changing.  


falling in love doesn't creep up on you anymore
you like a guy a year ago and you wake up a year later loving him
you hate a guy a year ago and you pass him in the street a year later reminiscing about watching the world series from the love seat you shared
you smile at your child today reminding yourself of the tears you shed six years ago when you found out she was in your womb
time changes and we undoubtedly change with it
breathing in different rays of the same sun
changing leaves off the same tree
we walk in cycles, footsteps of experiences believing something will get better because the worst part about going through the worst sh.t is not knowing when the best will come
but we bleed hope and we transpire expectations
because as much as we don't want to be disappointed, it's the only thing that lets us know we can still feel something for someone somewhere...
and while weddings get cancelled and dates get planned
in the midst of our own calendars we are scheduling happiness 
we are making time for more time 
and we believe we deserve it even though too many times we've wasted too much time
i just want to scream how much i'm in love but i wouldn't even believe it
because time changes and love changes with it 
and if i could freeze his lips on my hips i would whine for the both of us
gyrating into forever and tick tocking into eternity
just to ensure that love lasts like ink on damp skin to tell stories to my grandchildren spelled out in my wrinkles
i gotta believe in humanity like i believe the earth rotates to secure it
i have to remember his scent so when long distance comes knocking at my door, my memories won't need to answer
i have to know that time changes, love changes and that autumn, spring, summer and winter are not the only seasons 
we change
we grow
we rain
we snow
we sweat
we humble ourselves to the plan that ownership is not the same as slavery
and i want today to own me 
in all of its glory
because everything changes except memories.

chopped cheese

can men and women be platonic?

i have a lot of GUY FRIENDS. FRIENDS MEANING GUYS THAT HAVEN'T SEEN ME NAKED.  and we're okay with that.  given my upbringing, it's not a surprise though. i went to the same elementary school for nine years, then most of us went to the same high school and then when i went to college, i was in committed relationships for a good chunk of time soooooo....most men i came across fell into the friend zone.  THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.  i've learned to cherish my guy friends, they keep me grounded and simple.  if i have a problem, they just want to fix it so i can start cooking dinner or play NBA live with them.  they taught me how to stop moping and start coping and i genuinely love them for that.


but i've noticed that i know a lot of guys who DON'T have platonic female friends and i'm confused.  do y'all really have to sleep with every female?  is her company not enough if she keeps her clothes on?  and ladies, if he is your friend and he makes a pass, you know that you can say NO right?  it's in his DNA to try, let him live out his fantasy for ten seconds and welcome him back to reality with the notion that any friendship requires that your panties stay on.  i think there's more to learn from the opposite sex than just sex.  a few of them have told me that their attempts at having homegirls failed because the girls didn't really hold them down when the going got tough but my guy friends, my brothers, there's no hesitation.  he fights. i fight.  he's hungry. i'm feeding him.  a girl breaks his heart, i'm breaking her face.  he gets caught cheating, i'll help him practice his apology.  friends, no matter the gender are supposed to be there for one another, without any expectation of reward.  so for those of you still out there who haven't learned how to maintain a platonic friendship, PRACTICE.  besides you're gonna need a homegirl to help you snag and keep the girl of your dreams because the only way to understand a woman is to love one you're NOT sleeping with.

are we petty?

it's a sad but reoccurring theme that women are seen as petty, disloyal and/catty creatures, more so than men.  are we?


i disagree. wholeheartedly.  i think both genders have their petty moments and their disloyal tendencies, not one more than the other but i do think that one gender is CONSTANTLY under the spotlight for their antics and that's ours [females].  now granted, in my own experience, i haven't had to deal with the trifling homegirl that slept with my man or stole my food stamps.  now that could be due to the fact that i don't have a man or food stamps to steal but you get my drift, i'm just counting my lucky stars that the women in my life have acted accordingly.  but moving along, i like to look at things from all sides.  of course someone is going to seem petty when they're loyalty isn't with you, but they're loyal like a motherf.cker to the other person in the equation so are they really petty or is it that YOU'RE not their priority?  think about it.

what would you do?

@stylZdotcom [known him since 04, always good for a little mental stimulation] wrote:

would

you walk away from

your dreams to be

with the person

you saw in them?

everything about this requires a damn answer.

it requires that we look deep within ourselves to decide what we deem worthy in our lives.  i'm gonna tell you right now that i have tons of dreams, this writing thing being one of them, however Chrissy from Love & Hip Hop taught me something i never considered.  She told Jim Jones, her boyfriend of six years, 
"I finally know what I want to do with the rest of my life...I want to spend it with you."


maybe one day, the universe will be so kind to give me everything i've ever dreamed of in human form and then the decision won't be a decision at all but rather a vow.

vintage

the hunt

anything i've ever chased can only fall into one of two categories: prey or the object of my affection.  i do not seek the thrill of the hunt because what's necessary is not always enjoyable but love? well that's something different.  i could chase love to the ends of the earth, fall over into its deep blue seas, swim to the other side and catch my breath to do it all over again, but love is no battlefield.  therefore words like chase, anger, and dispute have no place there, but what do i know? i've never been known for sharing my kingdom.


the problem is that we're always looking for someone to blame.
YOU make me so angry.  YOU hurt my feelings.  YOU are not worth it.
none of these are facts, they're feelings.  the facts are things like you lied, you cheated, you stole, you did something you said you weren't going to do.  let's dissect the facts and assign responsibility before we blame someone else for emotions we haven't learned how to control.


i believe love is a powerful thing, i really do but i also think it is very humbling and i think it can be very quiet.  you don't have to hear a lion roar to know it's strength right?  even in their magnificent glory, they still purr.

LEO

the queen rules very differently from the king.

the devil works for commission, i'm convinced

the devil doesn't take any days off
he works overtime
and he gets commission...
nonetheless
i'm not in this life to compete with anyone
i run my own race at my own speed with whatever shoes i think are the cutest
i do not engage in people or things that i consider are beneath me
and let's face it, everyone is not on the same level, most people aren't even in the same arena
but there comes a time when trouble will end up knocking on your door
no one is immune
and that's fine...
open the door, say your piece and close the door right back in its face.
you are not what someone says you are
you are what you reveal...
stay calm, stay beautiful and keep it straight to the point
why?
because some people want to knock you off your throne
and the only reason why someone would want to do that is because they don't have a throne of their own to stake claim to...
send them back to their work in the most direct, intelligent and entertaining way possible
after all, life's a movie
and there's only one main character for a reason...
as for everyone else...see you in the credits.

speak no evil

angry words replay in my mind like movies
with young people who call themselves going steady
rewind....
play...
you're so f.cking ridiculous...
pause...
what
shut the f.ck up...
wait a minute
rewind...
play...
so nothing  is sacred anymore
the moment we get angry
we get filled with spite
led astray by pride
and end up damaged by default
rewind...
play...
i don't give a f.ck
pause...
you don't?
will you hold it against me if i believe you?
because honestly the heart cannot repair what the mind never decided was broken

poker face

i'm a wild card...
and if i'm in the hand you're dealt...
play your cards right...
or your cards will end up playing you.

letters to my daughter

you wrote a poem....three lines stood out to me...

i wonder about my dad

i understand my mother

i say why...

indeed you are your mother's child.  i stood in that hallway as other parents asked me if you wrote that, with tears in my eyes, proud of your eloquence and your courage.  

i wonder about your father too.

and even though i understand myself better than anyone, i too say, rather ask, why.

you will hold on to these sentiments for the rest of your life

but if you're smart, you'll learn how to let them go.

sappy love stories

i'm pretty sure i lie in bed long enough to convince myself that when i open my eyes you'll be there.

speak your piece, i'm listening...

then why did it end? It seems like it was something so strong and I guess I am having a hard time understanding love even in my relationship now.... so why did the relationship end? r u guys still friends now? isnt that hard to live with? - your biggest fan

when you're a kid, you have no idea that those comic books you flip through over and over again will one day be worth money.  it's kinda like the same thing.  i had no idea i was sitting on a diamond.  in that time i could only feel my pain, my embarrasment, my vulnerability.  i don't think i stopped for a second to imagine what he might have been feeling.  it's only now that i realize that i can't be with someone that i can't completely embody.  it wasn't fair to share his joy and his happiness without taking part in his troubles and his fears.  we should have been in it together all the way and we weren't.  these things were only discovered after certain OTHER discoveries were made, actions on both of our partd that were big enough to tear us apart then but now they don't even matter.  what a waste of anger.  as far as us being friends.  i don't even think the term does us justice anymore.  there's something deeper than friendship that we've stumbled upon. friends are there for you through thick and thin you know and he is my thick and thin so it's indescribable. it's especially hard to live with when i'm trying to live with someone else.  when i'm alone, it's a different struggle because i can dedicate myself entirely to it.  when i'm seeing someone though, it can be a very selfish battle.  so it's hard, some days are harder than others but there is an insane level of comfort knowing that someone out there loves you more than life itself.  that's pretty easy to live with.

know your worth

i love you for loving me.
because Lord knows, they are days when i'm unlovable...
and it's those days that i am truly blessed