to have kids or not to have kids

indeed that is the question.  if you've read through the blog then you would know that i NEVER wanted children. at all.  i love those little crumb snatchers like the next person but as far as having one come through my vagina, that was not in my plan. 


moving right along, i remember being in a forum for mothers and women who wanted to be mothers.  a woman was talking about her struggle with fertility and how she wanted children so bad.  another woman, who was already mother said something simple yet very complex.


"is it that you want to be pregnant or that you want to be a mother because you can do the latter without the former." 


now she didn't say it as eloquently but you get the point.  at least i did.  i was like damn.  i never even thought about it.  i never really had to though because my teenage uterus was well advanced and more fertile than i ever expected.  (that's not a complaint but it is a side eye at God).  i say all this to say, that i didn't realize there were women out there that would feel incomplete if they didn't/couldn't bear children.  I'm more familiar with the one's that cannot due to fertility problems but what if you just don't want children?  Why would that ever make you feel like any less of a woman.


though being a mother is a great accomplishment, i hope for both of our sakes, it isn't my only one and though i am extremely proud of mini me, i will have to wait until the end of my life to see if it's my proudest moment.  raising a decent human being is a difficult task and if done to your liking, i can see where you would be proud but if you choose another destiny, maybe you will be just as proud.  i almost think it's more noble to give your all to a child/person that you don't feel obligated to out of sheer kindness and love.  this may sound crazy, but i almost have no choice but to love mini me.  i knew her before anyone, loved her before anyone and was willing to die for a face i had never even seen.  damn right, i'm gonna love that little girl but what about little girls that i will meet when they are five years old, little girls that don't share my dna, little girls that will need love and attention but don't necessarily need mine?  


i love being a mother but if my plan worked out, i wouldn't have been but i would have been totally fine dedicating myself to the people of the world and not those of my womb.  i wouldn't have felt like any less of a woman if i didn't go through labor pains, heartburn and stretch marks.  in fact, i might have felt like more of a woman by standing by my own decision and setting my own standards for happiness.  it's a lot of pressure to put your sense of worth on an innocent child.  even though i'm thankful for my uterus, i would have still been great without it.