brilliance

i've been writing really personal entries lately, personal meaning you know exactly who i'm talking about. it's something i never really do because i enjoy secrets and sometimes i think a story can stand without its characters.

i have an ex. and he's brilliant.

and don't say "then why is he your ex?"

brilliant and monogamy don't have sh.t do with one another in this case.

but when i say he is brilliant, i'm really saying that his mind is made of gold.

and no i'm not trying to gas him.

i don't seduce with means of flattery.

but i do give props when props are due.

as a matter of fact, the conversation below is between him and i.

yes, we talk. still. after the fact. sometimes, we talk a lot. sometimes we don't talk at all.

it's hard finding a balance with someone you've loved and someone you've hated.

but the important part is that despite our shortcomings as a couple, there is no amount of bitter in the world that could ever hinder me from seeing his talent in totality.

even when he's not my man, he's a great man.

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me: i can actually just tell you what i told her

i was gonna blog about it.

but i can always copy and paste.

don't say anything till im finished. i'll give u the signal

i told her...i was watching this speech 

(i'll send u the link)

it was about the stigma that artists have to be crazy to truly embody their craft...

and we always are asked if we're not scared that no one is going to give a damn about the art we create

and of course we're scared...i don't want to depend on writing because what if no one feels what i feel or understands me, then i'll just starve

but the speech got into how the true ART is showing up every day prepared to create, whether it's good or not, depending on who you ask

so i said, he is brilliant and i think part of the reason he's not done with school is because he's better than the institution

he doesn't need school to teach him or to better his skills, he was born great. so how can he ever understand the value of school when he doesnt have to pay for brilliance because he was born that way?

i think the most amazing talent that he has is his ability to recognize talent in others

if he was looking at a cricket match with absolutely no knowledge of the game and its rules, i would bet my life that he could easily pick out the best player on the field. it's a gift.

 me:  my dad told him, anything u do good, dont do for free but he does everything good so why charge?  he has the ability to always get better so if he gives you something, f.ck it. come back next week and he would have come up with something else

my fear for him is the same fear i have for myself.

the creative process is unique to the creator, i myself, have to be in a deep pain to create some of my best poetry. anguish, betrayal and disappointment are the food to my craving spirit

would i potentially put myself in situations to yield my best work? it's not such a bad idea. would i sacrifice my happiness to create? doesn't sound crazy to me

and that is what he does. to produce the best his mind can come up with, he has to physically withdraw himself from others.  he cannot clog his life without hindering his creativity.

he has no choice but to love another artist because he will always be in love with his work and she will have to know that feeling to understand it.

the fear is that artists literally have to die for their art ...every time because everyone else can't.

our gift is intangible. we don't save lives with pints of blood and therefore our craft is invaluable and therefore the cost to produce that craft to us seems worth it

he is an artist and i love that about him. he's brilliant to me and i dont compliment many people. but not many people are brilliant.

end scene

 him: almost cried.. almost

 me:  hmm...

 him:  lol na.. but wow. when I was reading I was thinking how much it sounded like u were describing urself

 me:  i wont deny we're very much alike.

 him:  seeing the talent in others

and much of what you said

i want to thank u tho

 me:  dont

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sometimes, not all the time but sometimes, we are who we've been with. choose wisely.