Alone

I wish I could tell you what love was or is rather
A combination of sweet and sour moments bound by lying lips and forgiving souls
With men who would rather break your heart and women who would rather lie to protect it


I had a dream I walked in with my sins
With my shoulders slouched by the weight of them 
And my body torn apart by the shape of them 
Bold moments, sharp edges scraping the smoothest of flesh 
With dramatic, extravagant whispers that you have bend so close to me to hear that you realize I smell nothing like myself
I wanted to tell him that I cried last night
But that didn't fit anywhere in his conversation 
He was too thrilled to notice that my voice was too shrill
To notice that my joy for him wore the overcast of the sadness from myself within
I wanted to tell him that I screamed into my pillows last night
But there was no room for that between his promotion and his big move
I had to smile through gritted teeth with nightmares in my cheeks
I wanted to tell him that I was dying inside
That I was rotting and though I was never one to like flowers delivered to my desk, he might as well send a bouquet because that's where my funeral would be held
I wanted flowers from him
I wanted candlelight dinners from him
I wanted weekend trips to Vermont from him
I wanted five minutes from him to distract me from being me
No one ever tells you that even in your relationship, you will end up casting absentee ballots 
Sometimes your vote won't count
Sometimes your oval office runs nothing but away
Sometimes instead of feeling like the first lady, you will end up the last resort
I wish I could tell you what I couldn't tell him but everybody knows you're supposed to tell your boyfriend first, even when he makes you feel second.