It's been a while since I've opened my computer. I was probably too afraid to see what I would write considering what life has brought to my front door lately. I've learned a few things about myself and a little more about others. There were some days where I retreated so far into myself that I couldn't see God looking back at me. And there were other days, that I was so far outside of myself that I watched God edit the creation of me from a distance.
It's funny how we spend our lives calculating who we would die for, never really anticipating the day to actually arrive and yet I wake up every morning trying to make good on that favor. "Take me instead" are three words way more powerful than "I love you." But this is just me waking up every day with my body flung on an empty altar waiting for God to check his messages.
I see that some people have no God in them. That sounds as stale as concrete in the ghetto and as harsh as alcoholic mothers in the suburbs but it's true. And it wasn't till I found God, that I realized how real the devil is, how hungry the devil is, how f.cking persistent the devil is. When my friend asked me, well if you know the devil, doesn't that mean you'll know God? I answered no because the devil will be whatever you need him to be to convince you to do some sh.t you shouldn't be doing. The devil will pretend to be God if he has to but God never changes. God weeps in the same magnificence as always. So I believe, that you can recognize the devil once you've found God, but ain't no God where the devil plays.
Maybe that was too much spirituality and maybe I'm searching for God because humanity can't heal everything but the truth of the matter is, God has requested my full attention. There's been a pause put on my life for me to redirect my energies, align my priorities and grow from the inside out. Maybe that wasn't the purpose of the pause, but that's what it has done so far.
I spent so much of my time wondering if God was hearing me and know I feel like God is spending so much of His time redecorating my space and screaming, "Tass, do YOU hear ME?" I wouldn't be surprised if God was a Leo.
I say all that to say, I miss y'all. I miss hearing your voices and seeing your faces at different events. I miss laughing at bars and two stepping into a diner at 3am but maybe I'll be a better woman at the end of all this, maybe I won't. But either way, one day, I'll be yours again.
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