Was I unclear?

I wish loving you would stop interrupting my conversation with God about morality.  It seems to me that loving you has gotten in the way of everything else.  Instead of being the reason, it became the excuse.  Conversations sounded more like "I was inconsiderate today but I love him" instead of "I love him so I'm being considerate."  Somehow, over the course of hours, days and weeks, love became the blanket statement for entertained nonsense.


So I had to move love out of the way.  I had to put it in a jar on my dresser as a reminder that I have it but left the cap on as a reminder not to use it until I had become a regular customer of kindness, respect and compassion again.  Those products had collected dust, I wasn't greasing my scalp with them regularly.  I wasn't lathering my skin in them like I used to.  I wasn't taking care of myself, nor you and I had let maintenance lag where love was concerned.  And like anything you don't use, the kindness, the respect and the compassion  started to evaporate, started to move into the thin air like the same I love yous like oil off of kissed skin.  


I looked at you there in the shadow of the television and I realized I hadn't loved YOU before.  It was as if love was a conversation we had, one that we kept having and so I found nothing else to do with it but to  keep addressing it, keep believing it, but the repetition stopped me from actually living it.


It was in that moment, in which you were truly unlovable, like maggots feasting on my brown flesh, I felt empty.  And suddenly before I could open up my empty soul and my full mouth of angry words and distasteful thoughts, it was as if I had bathed myself in kindness, respect and compassion.  Subsequently, I stepped onto love and stood firmly on it, instead of having it hovering over me and my once ill decisions.  I started loving you then, loving all of you, in your vicious humanity and your innocent morality.  I was actively loving you.  


It was better of me to love the worst of you.
So when you ask me, why I chose you, I will respond the same way every time.


Was I unclear when I said I love you?