did u know?

apparently, if you are Cuban and you reach American soil, you are allowed to stay in the U.S.

this is why Miami has so many Cubans but nonetheless, what about West Indians, Africans, Mexicans? What about every f.cking body else?

ahem, Obama. can we talk about this? we can't all be Elian Gonzalez...

little girls, big women

one thing is for sure.

we're starting to look like our mommies.

geez la weez.

set it off

aye dios mios! ciao bella! i wonder how my friends and i will turn out. man. black don't crack.

painting the town red

try not to be captivated by my arm fur.

it's about the lipstick.

all about the lipstick.

and some of my friends think they are supermodels
they're probably right

window seat

ms. erykah badu.

i told u her ass was fat. but did u hear what she was saying?

coca cola. u move me.

i was so hype over this caffeine driven campaign.

sip.sip. if your name was coca-cola, i'd let you

run straight through me.

i'm just saying.

old hollywood glamour without the class

only harlots and Deltas wear red. and i'm no Delta.

for once, i'm gonna kiss and tell.

p.s. erykah badu's ass is fat.

and that's entirely too much of a good thing.

you gotta be out the mind God gave you

i'm a lot of things.

a west indian procrastinator who loves bread as if it was a family member, a sarcastic, witty probably too smart for my own good, speak my mind just to show you i have one, itty bitty one hundred and thirty pounds soaking wet, always have to have my nails done, won't wake up before 10am to talk to anyone except God and my mama, laugh on the phone about n.ggas aint sh.t but all the while loving the one i have/had, cry when i feel like no one can hear me, will lose my voice just to tell u to shut the f.ck up, a cute face, slim waist having, my shoe collection could have paid your rent, will tell u about ur man just in case you're dumb enough to ask, love my mama but she can get it too, overprotective, not above physical violence if you don't understand a good old conversation, emotionally driven, temper having, can't really lie because i don't want to be another person to hurt you, wear my hair out, up, down or in curls and will gladly do it all over again in the morning if that means i have to f.ck u up tonight, Bronx born, Philly made, but can't get enough of New Orleans cuz that's where Lil Wayne's from, high class traveler who made it around the globe faster than you can get your man in check, the type to teach myself the things i can't understand whether it's love or photoshop, will make love in the same house i'd burn down if love no longer lived there, the kind of girl whose mission is do more good than harm but that oath hasn't become my lifestyle...yet, understanding but not forgiving, can take a hit but will not be anyone's punching bag, will gladly love u but i love myself more. i am all of these things, some good, some bad, and probably some more.

but one thing i am NOT...is scared of you.

yea. you.

i'm not scared.

not even a little bit.

lyrical b.tches [her words, not mine]

you got it.

still learning...

insecurity is an ugly thing in beautiful people.

oh Nikki. without the Minaj.

Nikki Giovanni is phenomenal. That's the simplest way I can put that.

She said "Everyone has sad stories." She even has "THUG LIFE" tattooed on her arm.

I haven't really made the time to sit down and write about the impact she had when I saw her live so here goes.

she told me to edit. in an older post, i said i don't edit. that's how i felt when i wrote it and i rarely go back to make changes. but Nikki told me to edit. she told me to go back when i learned something new. maybe it is my duty to update my truth.

i learned the following:

he's not the wrong guy, it's the wrong time. and i'm still mad as sh.t. even though it was the wrong time, that doesn't mean i wasted time but it's time i want back.

i just need one more day. i find myself pleading with God for two more hours, one more phone call, one more vacation, one more blunt to smoke my fears away and make Love in a haze. i find myself wanting the sand that slipped through my fingers. not everyday but most days.

i should not be afraid to date, but i am. i'm tired of leaving pieces of myself with incomplete people. i'm tired of sweeping up the broken glass of vases that once held the typical 'i'm sorry' roses. i'm tired of changing my relationship status from single to semi-taken to monogamous to scorned and then back to forgiving. and there are no options when the other person has options.

i'm tired of walking away instead of walking toward something that lasts so i can finally sit the hell down. and yes i wanna sit the hell down with my head on someone's chest and know that his heart beats solely for me and well him too, just long enough to keep him alive to love me for one more day.

i'm just saying. i think it's ok to want, be disappointed and want more anyway.

consider my life 'edited'

have your cake but don't eat it

for those of you with girlfriends:

i like u, but i like her more.

and no that's not homosexual.

that means that i admire the woman who stands by you while you're busy walking off trying to call me. that means that i admire the woman that stays monogamous to you while you cannot spell nor define the word. that means i admire the woman whose word is as big as her heart. that means i admire the woman who deserves a better man. i'm just sayin...

identify yourself.

everybody has demons, unless you're the devil himself.

interview 2.

Did you decide who you were going to dedicate the book to?

Uh. No, not quite. Still working on it.

Can you tell a sneak peek of what it's going to be about?

I won't say much but I will say that it's going to discuss significant events and people. You're just going to have to wait and see.

Hmm. Can you name a significant time in your life?

Uh. There are so many. I think anytime I stand by my feelings, it's a significant time. In my mind, I know the type of woman I want to be but men will make you second guess so many things if you let them. I say all that to say, anytime that I've stuck by my decision to leave or stay for myself and not anyone else, it's been significant. I have to get used to letting go what's not good even it feels that way. Strength doesn't come naturally, it's definitely a habit.

Do you mean men, like significant other or men in general?

Men in general. I think male relationships are important be it your father or your boyfriend. Everything relates. The quicker I learned that about myself, the more things started adding up for me. I dated two people like my father and had the nerve to be surprised at the outcome. I know my father so I should have known. It's ok to hope for something different but don't bank on it. I used to see the signs and ignore them. Now I see the signs and ignore you.

Speaking of your father, what is your relationship like with him?

If it isn't the most complicated relationship in the world, I don't know what is. I am the spitting image of my father but I still don't understand that man. The biggest difference between us is that we love so differently. His love is not unconditional at all, whereas mine is. So our tolerance levels are very different. We co-exist. But I really don't know how much my father knows about me as a person. He's the smartest man I know but he is also very private. Anything goes with him.

Do you think that has an effect on your intimate relationships?

Hm. It hasn't yet. Well, that's a lie. I used to be very adamant about not expecting anything because I didn't want to be let down. My father has a way of saying he'll be somewhere and you don't hear from him again. And I can say the same about myself. But now, after coming through a very open relationship, I will say that I do have expectations. I expect you to do what you say you're going to do and if you let me down then I need to acknowledge that and learn from it. I can't keep pretending that if I don't expect something, that it will make disappointment easier to deal with because it doesn't. So, as of now, my relationship with my father has no bearing on my relationship with men.

Do you see yourself in a relationship anytime soon?

Hell no. I never see it coming so I don't think the next time will be any different. But my last one taught me that if someone says they're not ready, believe them. Relationships are heavy and it takes two people to carry them. So, no I don't feel like carrying a damn thing right now. I'm tired. A break up or a falling out is like a cut, my scab isn't healed yet. I need to let these wounds close up and then deal with whatever comes my way. The last one taught me how to take my time and I cherish that. That was nearly two years of build up and progress. And I enjoyed seeing the seeds we planted grow into something beautiful so next time around, I want it to be nice and slow. No rushing.

Wait, I realized I didn't ask you this. Were you in love?

I think I was working on it, I can even go as far as saying, I wasn't too far from it. But when you're at that stage, far and close mean the same thing.

Have you ever been in love?

Oh yes. The head over heels, smile when I hear your name type of in love. Yea. But that was too crazy for me, too intense. I couldn't see my way out of it. Good lovers, bad decisions. I don't want to be in love like that ever again. Nope. No thank you.

So if you're taking a break from the love thing, what about sex?

What about it? I am celibate! And I mean it. My mind, body and spirit have to realign themselves. I was a part of another person. I need to remember what it felt like to be in my own skin. I need to regain my shape because I was molded to someone else. First and foremost, I don't even know anybody worth considering. And secondly, if I don't know when to take a break, I'll wear myself out.

So when will you return to land of fornication?

:Laughs: Oh my goodness, just the thought of it creeps me out. Um. There's no deadline. But I am really trying to fall in love with myself first. I'm really trying to understand what I want and how I'm going to get it, whether it's a relationship or a job. Once I figure that out, I think I'll let the rest fall into place.

So when people describe you as bitter, is there any truth to that?

No. I'm not bitter. People often mistake one emotion for another. Sometimes people think I'm mad and I'm really disappointed. Maybe I'm not good at conveying how I feel or maybe they're not good at interpreting my physical emotions. But I don't apologize for being mad when I am mad. You damn right I get pissed off if I lose something or someone. Isn't that natural? If I didn't give a fc.k after all the time, work and feelings I put into something or someone, then you should be worried.

So you're not the 'mad, black woman?'

No, that's just a movie.

Speaking of movies, if there was one about your life, what would be the title?

"I'm not dead yet." laughs. Any movie about me would just be just one surprise after the next. I'm nothing like people imagine me to be or even assume. Sometimes I wish I could describe it for people but there's no point. People will always believe what they want to.

What would you leave out of the movie?

Oh my goodness. I could leave out plenty! Hmm. shakes head. I would leave out some intense, private scenes. Some things are not for the big screen. As a matter of fact, most things are not for anybody else but me.

freudian slip

i don't believe good things happen.

frugal much?

don't ever be so cheap as to go half on a man.

on the stage.

every poem isn't spoken.

Interview.

i'm only gonna do this once. unless i like it and i feel compelled to do it twice.

and this is more for me than anyone else. an interview about me. what i've learned. what i've lost and what i found.

Describe the last year in three words.

shocking, intimate and honest

Why was it intimate?

This last year, I kept a lot of things close to my heart. I really had situations come up that I had to dedicate myself to wholeheartedly. There was no half-assing the decisions that needed to be made.

What was the toughest decision you had to make?

OOOH...deciding to sacrifice for others. I had to physically convince myself that doing what was best for someone else was necessary at the time. And I had to believe that I would be ok regardless of the outcome.

That was vague. But whatever sacrifice you made, was it worth it?

Yes. I'm a tough cookie. Part of being strong is to understand when other people are weak and help them up instead of holding them back.

Was it an act of charity?

Not in the least. It was just about me being the grown up in a very immature situation.

You also described the last year as shocking. Why?

Every year I find myself in positions that I would have never imagined the year before, be it good or bad. It was like a year of realization. My journey started coming full circle all at once and there was no turning back. Whether or not I was ready, my issues found me and the time had come to tackle them.

Be specific.

Well, for one, my brother found me on Facebook. ::rolls eyes:: I hate Facebook. But I hadn't spoken to my brother in almost 6 or 7 years, maybe even 10. It's been that long. I have my reasons but I really had to determine for myself if I had really let go or had I just been putting off a conversation. It's definitely a battle within myself. I want to be the type of woman who loves and enjoys her family, especially since I have a huge one but I never want to be the type of woman who's a punching bag and that's how I felt which led to the whole split. It's just a constant tug of war. How much do you take from someone? And once you figure out your breaking point, is family exempt? I still haven't completely decided yet. But I've removed myself from the entire situation just so that when the conversation comes up, I'm not driven on raw emotion but rather valid reasons for leaving certain relationships behind.

Do you feel bad?

Uh. No. :laughs gently: I'm the baby of my family and if the baby's grown up then everyone else should be way ahead. Does it bother me that I don't talk to some of my siblings? Um. Yeah, but only because I don't like having bad blood, but on the same account, brother, sister, auntie, mother, father, I feel that respect is required in all of those relationships. And if it's not there, then that's not where I need to be. I have a temper and so do they. So I would rather silence than raging anger. At least for now.

If you saw one of the siblings that you don't speak with on the street, what would happen?

It depends on which one and which day you catch me. But honestly, they probably wouldn't even recognize me and I would probably just walk on by.

How has this shaped your event with other people?

I've replaced the loss with my friends. So, I generally call my friends my sisters without any hesitation.

What's your love life without your brothers around?

:Laughs gently: I don't need my big brothers to do my dirty work. I'm a big girl so I handle mine.

So you have a love life?

Ha. Lack thereof. Am I involved? Is there someone I love? There's so many places you can go with that question.

Ok. Are you involved?

No.

Well, the last time you were involved, what was it like?

It was quite an experience. It was out of the blue and out of the ordinary. Definitely a whammy. :Nods head: It was the first time, I chose to move forward with a clear mind. I don't think that it was "matters of the heart." We decided on things, we had the difficult conversations, we chose to progress and that's a very grown up thing. We didn't rely on labels or outside influence to define our position in each other's lives. It was an agreement, a clear and conscious decision. Very different from anything I've experienced.

It sounds like a contract, not a relationship.

Isn't every relationship a contract? I trust you to be monogamous. If you break that monogamy, there will be consequences. :laughs: It's always a contract but that's not to say that feelings aren't there. The feelings just don't have sole control. Be in love but be realistic. We had to go over our expectations, our fears and our discretions to realize if what we had was something we wanted. And that might have been the smartest relationship I've encountered.

So, what happened?

Simple. We wanted two different things at the same time. I can only speak from my perspective when I say that there was no amount of love that was going to make me settle for anything less than I've invested and deserved. So, we went our separate ways. I knew him in a particular capacity and if he couldn't be that man, then he couldn't be my man.

Aren't you supposed to stick it out, through the thick and thin?

Don't get me wrong. I stuck it out. Hear what I'm saying, there were some tough times that in my complete amazement, we BOTH stuck it out. But a part of my love is respecting someone's change of heart. I may not like what you want or think or even do but I will respect it and if you want something easy and I'm not easy, then I respect you enough to let you go find what you need or want at that time. That's not to say that it doesn't hurt but we don't always make the right decisions, but we must make the necessary ones. And the only time you are obligated is in marriage. When it comes to dating, especially at a young age like this, you have to let people find out what they want and usually the only way to do that is to get it wrong a few times.

Do you see you two trying again in the future?

I can't see anything in the future. Period. But I am curious to see if we would ever work under different circumstances at a different age and time. Only because, as of now, I can't see my life without him in at all. Lovers or not, I consider/considered him one of my best friends and a loss like that on top of everything else is sad, very sad. I think the space will do us both good. We'll either remember what we loved about each other and try again or it'll just be that, a memory, practice even. smiles.

If it's a memory, what has been your favorite one?

Hands down, my 23rd birthday. I don't usually celebrate my birthday for some reason. Everything usually just falls apart but not that one. He went all out and I was pleasantly surprised and thankful for seeing him love me in a very romantic and public fashion. I was happy, even with cake on my face.

If you could change one thing from the relationship, what would it be?

I don't have to. He's the type of person that I could love in a different time, a different place, hell a different planet. I could love him in four languages, in an apartment or a mansion, at work or at home, he's just a great guy once you know him or rather once he knows you. Nothing changes that.

Why are you so private about your relationships?

Oh man. I really don't know how I got that way. I'm very protective of the people in my life and I think that need to preserve all things beautiful gets in the way and overshadows my need for acknowledgment.

Why now? Why be so blunt now?

It's more for me than anything else. Keeping secrets is exhausting. Not even secrets so much, but walking around with the weight of an entire experience can be tiring. Especially when people have things to say, being the bigger person gets overrated. I have feelings, opinions and memories that only he would know. And if he had something to say, then ok but everybody else, come on. You don't know me and you damn sure don't know him so if we need space from each other, I think people need to respect that, or at least I would like them to.

If you could dispel any rumor, what would it be?

It's not about jealousy, it's not about what you think is going on. It's simply about respect, on both ends. And there is nothing dramatic about that.

So, besides that what else has been occupying your time?

The usual. The Yankees won their 27th world series championship, so I celebrated in the City of the Losers, good ole' Philadelphia. I wore the Blue fitted proudly. It was only appropriate.

Um...what else? For Halloween, I took shots on the bar, like a big girl. Wasn't too bad. And I love the picture that came out of it. We look like rebels. Keyword: look. But we're not, at least I'm not.

You're not a rebel?

Not in the least. I'm the girl who sits at home by herself doing arts and crafts projects and my hair. Not a rebel at all. I don't know where people got that idea from.

You don't think you had anything to do with that assumption?

I mean, yes and no. I think I've just been in positions that have required me to be outspoken and I have to meet a lot of people. But people tend to forget, that's my job, not my life. Two very separate things. When I'm at home, I like peace and quiet, maybe a movie if I'm up to it. Nothing crazy or rebellious. I'm not going to call myself a prude to prove my friends right but I'm not too far off.

.outside voices.

.inside voices.

It sounds like you're two different people.

Maybe three. I am a lot of things in one woman. I'm a student, I'm an employee, I'm a mother, I'm a friend, a daughter, a woman and so forth. Those are not in order of priority. I just think I behave accordingly when the time calls for it. I'm not going to take shots at work and I'm not going to bring my child to a bar. Different places require different things and I just like to find the balance between them all and I don't apologize for it. I don't apologize often for anything actually.

You don't apologize?

Not usually. If I said something, I'm 98% sure I meant it. If I do apologize, it's because I may not have meant it to come out the way it did or maybe I said it at the wrong time but rarely do I ever do/say something I don't mean. I'm not apologizing for something intentional. What the f.ck for? That's just not genuine.

When's the last time you apologized?

Two months ago. I remember because I don't do it often. But in that instance, I apologized because I was unclear about what I was trying to say, not for what I actually said.

Do you want people to apologize to you when they offend you or hurt you?

No. We're all adults now. You know what you're doing and you do it anyway. Own that. No need for apologies. I won't like everything. That doesn't mean you have to apologize for everything.

So when people hurt you, what happens next?

Nothing really. I take three days, that's my limit, to really understand what happened, how I feel about it and draw up a conclusion. If I'm going to keep the person around, I decide to let it go. If I think it's too big to let go, I let the person go. I don't like to mull over things for longer than three days. Takes too much out of me.

So you don't argue, yell or scream?

Ha. Rarely. I have a terrible temper and I make a conscious attempt to curb it. So if I do get into an argument, it's pretty much over. You've pushed me too f.ckin' far. Usually, by that point, it's a closing argument and therefore that relationship is over.

How bad is your temper?

It's bad like if I saw you in the street dying, I would walk right over you. It's like attack mode. You're either gonna cry or bleed, maybe both. But you will lose. I don't play.

Damn. Do you get mad often?

Nope. I don't give a f.ck enough to get mad usually. I'm not saying that's a good thing but its the truth. 98% of the time, I just do not care. It's that 2% that people should be worried about.

So, if you don't get mad often, what makes you happy?

I wouldn't say I exchange one for the other. I'm usually not mad or happy. I'm usually indifferent balancing between an emotional mediocrity if that makes sense. If I am happy, it's usually because my day was peaceful or I spent it with people I genuinely care about.

Who do you care about?

I care about a lot of people. I care about the people I have made a genuine connection with. When I love someone, it's unconditional so I tend to love people that can keep it real with me because I need that clarity, that transparency. I can't love shadows and gray areas. Once I know what I'm working with, love tends to come naturally. The list of names is far too long.

Do you write about the people you care about?

Yes. All the time. Maybe that's a bad habit.

Why is that a bad habit?

Because I don't write it chronologically. So, sometimes people take offense or think it's about them and it's really not. My entries can be days, weeks, even months later and then sometimes they can be evidence of that day but you never know with me so it's never good to assume. For a person who has a lot of secrets, you can't always think they're about you.

Why do you write in the first place?

Because nobody listens when I talk. When I speak, everyone always thinks I'm joking for some reason. I have one of those insincere, playful voices. I don't think people know when I'm serious so when I write, they can decide for themselves.

Do you show people what you've written about them?

No. I'm not here to flatter anyone. If you feel like it's about you, you have a 50/50 chance of being right. So you read and you battle it out with your conscious.

Do you ever write about good things?

Yes. I mostly write about love and all that it entails. But as good as love is, there are ugly parts of it and people pick and choose what they take from my writing. People will say, 'you're always writing about a guy that did something wrong' but they pass right over the part that says how much I love that guy. So I've learned to just write and not read it over. I rarely, if ever edit anything. That's how I keep my writing honest. That's how I felt and I won't let someone's comments guilt me into writing anything else.

Why haven't you written a book yet?

I'm not ready. And I'm not rushing. I have two concepts already. But I'm not ready to put my diary on your nightstand. I'm taking my time. Sh.t I wanna know what happens at the end too. laughs.

Who will you dedicate your first book to?

Good question. Can I get back to you on that? And I will get back to you.

lipstick on the mirror

"girls just wanna have safe sex"

but what sex is safe?

i'm starting to think of heartbreak

as a disease that a bottle of pills cannot cure

and the symptoms keep coming

hard to sleep. hard to eat. hard to walk.

easy for you to keep crossing my mind.

you're kinda comfy

i have big hair and a bigger heart but love makes me nauseous literally. i feel you kicking inside of me while dreams and reality make out with one another their lips touch like ours once did and two beating hearts make a third

but we've been so busy being mad that even our guardian angel sees the devil in us

there's evacuation notices on our feelings you have 60 days to leave this residence and no matter where i go, i will still have to list you as a reference good or bad.

i have to count every moment

every smile

every tear,

even yours

i have to count these

moments because somewhere in that equation, it will all equal out to happiness one day.

just not today.

u can see my halo

i never leave home without my halo...

at least i blow dried it for the european motherf.ckers out there and even the brown people who are afraid of hair bigger than their brain.

i didn't even leave it curly.

i didn't even keep the kink.

sh.t my hair is tougher than you. and your ancestors too.

and no matter how big my hair is, i know you can see this brown skin,

these brown eyes

and these pink lips

underneath it.

this hair looks like a lion's mane.

and that is simply f.cking appropriate.

because i'm a leo.

this is my jungle.

and i'm going swing it left to right.

i'm used to a whole kingdom watching me, i've been your entertainment for centuries.

well, you call it entertainment, but you're trying so hard to break me to be me that it's actually idolatry.

it has to be crazy to walk in the stride of queens and the shadows of kings.

i can't imagine what it must feel like when you found out that the mother of civilization had my almond shaped eyes and i share her long cocoa legs that i won't bother walking over you with.

it must kill you that like the winds, i am versatile.

i have sole control over the type of day you will have.

mother nature is my sister.

it just makes sense.

mother of civilization.

mother nature.

and oh yes, i believe my God is a woman.

taking ribs from pigs to build the limbs of pimps.

you heard me right too.

pimp the system to think that it's ok to f.ck it all up. [get it?]

got it.

when you look in my palms, you will see swaying trees, impossible pyramids and the north star.

cuz i find freedom in in the coils you try to trap me in.

so shackle me, chain me, beat me, erase me but you will never be the first to take my virginity because i own it.

earth is my baby. call it immaculate conception.

all eyes on me. hear me roar.

the least i can do.

there were too many emotions in that one word.

but check out my new ring.

and i said i wouldn't blog about the conversation so i won't. but i will tell you how it made me feel. sometimes when i talk to people i haven't spoken with in a long time, i feel like the conversation and the relationship has been refreshed. that break gives me enough time to speak without the rash reality that my words will change anything. the outcome has already happened. it also shows me that though some relationships don't work out, the person is still the same reason you tried in the first place and that in itself is the birth of second chances.

i don't know where the story lies, literally but i know the truth is, that feelings are never really sorted out, nor are they right or wrong. and the decisions we made then may not be the ones we make tomorrow and even though i'm not a hopeless romantic,

hope is a great punctuation if 'love conquers all' is the sentence.

keep in mind that i might feel totally different three days from now.

even icons make funny faces

she's human

and he seems to be the only one who noticed that.

XX chromosome

vivian green could quite possibly be the mother of my children.

phone home

it's never a conversation with my mother, it's a to do list.

photo op

by the way, there are so many pictures up, not because i am narcissistic but because i can't recognize myself anymore.

ramirez

him: how are you?

me: same as always. on that fine line between south bronx and paris.

and that's how i always feel. struggling to remember who i was and still trying to find out who i am. but it depends on which day you catch me. some days, i'm so reminiscent of the south bronx, you can literally hear my voice over elevated trains and you can see double dutch ropes in my pupils.

second chances are only for addicts and maybe that includes me. addicted to icees from older women who only speak spanish to little girls who barely know english. addicted to fairytales with glass slippers with the red bottoms only. addicted to butterflies, first glances and secrets. and i'm so addicted to making love, whether it's in conversation or bedsheets. whatever it takes and all that gives, as long as i come back to you.

but my talent is only as great as my inspiration. so i hope every day is better than the last and every love is deeper than the first so i can write about living and live for my writing. and i can make no apologies for the things i've done but rather for the things i haven't. so each word is a dedication to the concealed, the forgotten and that thing we call second chances.

hey daddy.

i gotta be out my mind to think that you have one.

i am a lot of things: a procrastinating, addictive, emotional eating skinny b.tch who is currently a size 8 in pants.

but one thing i will not be is a filler. i will not attempt to fill another woman's shoes. i will not be her understudy. i will not be a text message when she is a phone call. and every single day, i am so proud that i've made the decision to be my own woman. and even though some days are harder than others and some nights are lonely, i wake up every morning being number one in my own life. I know that even though he loves me and that's a beautiful thing, I LOVE ME MORE.

besides. when i wear black, trust me, i'm doing everything BUT mourning.

play your position

what's worse:

being the other woman or being the betrayed woman?

breaking and entering

oh. now your phone works at a time when i have nothing to say.

what do u want?

so you mean to tell me that somebody broke in?

tossed the place? (your words, not mine)

but didn't take anything?

didn't take the laptop?

not even the tv?

how about the dvd player? no

and you're telling me because...?

as a matter of fact, i don't want to know

i'm learning how to mind my damn business...

not my man...not my problem

just bring me my stuff

emotions.

i'm finding it really hard to give a f.ck.

gentlemen.

this time around, it's easier.

there are no fairytales and no glass slippers

there's only lies, justice and some really good sex

but tonight is not about six months of happiness or even two years of potential

tonight is about the lifelong journey women take to find peace

there are many extenuating factors that could shake the core of a woman

however, a real woman knows that everything that shakes does not have to break

have i cried? yeah

have i moped around the house in fuzzy slippers eating girl scout cookies? yep

have i even managed to lose sight of self in the mirror behind day old mascara? probably

but tonight is about regaining what we feel we lost in a whirlwind we didn't know we were standing in

people know when tornadoes are coming and when hurricanes will find their way over rooftops and grassy slopes

but there is no forecast for broken dreams

and even though things may come as a shock, please remember that shocks are what bring you back to life.

CLEAR.

i have to say that i had so much fun

i laughed till the sun came up, i watched movies i never heard of and i debated topics important to everyone but me

i travelled, made Love until the sun came up and went back down again

i grew something out of nothing

and i'm proud of myself

i loved someone they said was unloveable

i loved someone who didn't know the meaning of the word, taught it to him and had him spell it out using the letters of my name

i challenged him to be the good man his father wasn't

i challenged him to live with me instead of dying alone

i shared my soul with him because he didn't have one

and it was giving pieces of myself away that I AM MADE WHOLE

i was pregnant with his lies, gave birth to his truth and buried his chances

i am tattooed on his skin so his reflection are only tears of my spirit

and he is tattooed on mine as my greatest act of charity

so i will walk with him to forever and he will carry me there

no passports necessary because it's our world

and just when you thought this was dedicated to getting deep

it's not

because he wants a fraction of a woman and i am not a part to a bigger whole,

hell, he's the one missing his rib

and no i was not made in his likeness because chastity and infidelity can never be friends, never mind lovers

he won't listen to me when i tell him

"if he can't respect someone's union, who will respect his?" or when i tell him,

"how you got her is how you'll lose her"

he needs to find out for himself that whores are incapable of loving anyone because they don't know how to love themselves

but he thinks pictures in hearts mean you have one

as they walk down this yellow brick road of polygamy, my blood is on his hands and my blues sing through her moans

even speaking these words, the raw truth hits me while he hits her raw

but i'm too blessed to worry about the colors of their painting

she will never be me

simply a shadow of womanhood

a little girl in big woman panties

and i know you think she's sucks a good d.ck

but baby that's because she's had practice

maybe she'll take you to the championship seeing as everyone has had a chance to bat

and i hope the ring is worth it because everything comes full circle

just to be on the shallow sh.t

i ain't never let another n.gga hit and when i said it was yours

i meant it, especially when on all fours

and i gave u a chance to be a man and keep it real

but what n.gga could resist a b.tch on her knees?

u chose to be monogamous, u chose to put your tongue on this

but now u out here with her mouth on her lips but really another man's d.ck

and it makes so much sense that two people who lie

should also lie together

in the bed they made

in the relationships they could not save

you once told me, i'm the female version of you

well i guess that explains why i f.cked him too...

ha ha ... n.gga i did no such thing

i kept it real, from the beginning

all up to the end, i was really telling the truth when i said that n.gga was just my friend

either way, she's not as cute as me and she's clearly dumb

but f.ck it, right as long as u come...

lol..

i love you though

you imperfect, lying, can't keep it real because it feels so wrong to a n.gga that can't see true love, even if it sat on his face and lived in his place...

you light skinned with a dark past, that couldn't even make forever last, you who thinks that deleting pictures means there aren't a thousand words that you couldn't say,

because Madden isn't the only game you play, you who I f.cked in my expensive heels, all for a n.gga who can't even express how he really feels, you who thought i was only bad in the good way in bed, but forgot not only do i give it, but i have a good head, you motherf.cker cuz i have a child but not a son of b.tch cuz not even your mother is responsible for this...

i love you though, through all this but you're a bad boy and I AM THE BADDEST BITCH.