Interview.

i'm only gonna do this once. unless i like it and i feel compelled to do it twice.

and this is more for me than anyone else. an interview about me. what i've learned. what i've lost and what i found.

Describe the last year in three words.

shocking, intimate and honest

Why was it intimate?

This last year, I kept a lot of things close to my heart. I really had situations come up that I had to dedicate myself to wholeheartedly. There was no half-assing the decisions that needed to be made.

What was the toughest decision you had to make?

OOOH...deciding to sacrifice for others. I had to physically convince myself that doing what was best for someone else was necessary at the time. And I had to believe that I would be ok regardless of the outcome.

That was vague. But whatever sacrifice you made, was it worth it?

Yes. I'm a tough cookie. Part of being strong is to understand when other people are weak and help them up instead of holding them back.

Was it an act of charity?

Not in the least. It was just about me being the grown up in a very immature situation.

You also described the last year as shocking. Why?

Every year I find myself in positions that I would have never imagined the year before, be it good or bad. It was like a year of realization. My journey started coming full circle all at once and there was no turning back. Whether or not I was ready, my issues found me and the time had come to tackle them.

Be specific.

Well, for one, my brother found me on Facebook. ::rolls eyes:: I hate Facebook. But I hadn't spoken to my brother in almost 6 or 7 years, maybe even 10. It's been that long. I have my reasons but I really had to determine for myself if I had really let go or had I just been putting off a conversation. It's definitely a battle within myself. I want to be the type of woman who loves and enjoys her family, especially since I have a huge one but I never want to be the type of woman who's a punching bag and that's how I felt which led to the whole split. It's just a constant tug of war. How much do you take from someone? And once you figure out your breaking point, is family exempt? I still haven't completely decided yet. But I've removed myself from the entire situation just so that when the conversation comes up, I'm not driven on raw emotion but rather valid reasons for leaving certain relationships behind.

Do you feel bad?

Uh. No. :laughs gently: I'm the baby of my family and if the baby's grown up then everyone else should be way ahead. Does it bother me that I don't talk to some of my siblings? Um. Yeah, but only because I don't like having bad blood, but on the same account, brother, sister, auntie, mother, father, I feel that respect is required in all of those relationships. And if it's not there, then that's not where I need to be. I have a temper and so do they. So I would rather silence than raging anger. At least for now.

If you saw one of the siblings that you don't speak with on the street, what would happen?

It depends on which one and which day you catch me. But honestly, they probably wouldn't even recognize me and I would probably just walk on by.

How has this shaped your event with other people?

I've replaced the loss with my friends. So, I generally call my friends my sisters without any hesitation.

What's your love life without your brothers around?

:Laughs gently: I don't need my big brothers to do my dirty work. I'm a big girl so I handle mine.

So you have a love life?

Ha. Lack thereof. Am I involved? Is there someone I love? There's so many places you can go with that question.

Ok. Are you involved?

No.

Well, the last time you were involved, what was it like?

It was quite an experience. It was out of the blue and out of the ordinary. Definitely a whammy. :Nods head: It was the first time, I chose to move forward with a clear mind. I don't think that it was "matters of the heart." We decided on things, we had the difficult conversations, we chose to progress and that's a very grown up thing. We didn't rely on labels or outside influence to define our position in each other's lives. It was an agreement, a clear and conscious decision. Very different from anything I've experienced.

It sounds like a contract, not a relationship.

Isn't every relationship a contract? I trust you to be monogamous. If you break that monogamy, there will be consequences. :laughs: It's always a contract but that's not to say that feelings aren't there. The feelings just don't have sole control. Be in love but be realistic. We had to go over our expectations, our fears and our discretions to realize if what we had was something we wanted. And that might have been the smartest relationship I've encountered.

So, what happened?

Simple. We wanted two different things at the same time. I can only speak from my perspective when I say that there was no amount of love that was going to make me settle for anything less than I've invested and deserved. So, we went our separate ways. I knew him in a particular capacity and if he couldn't be that man, then he couldn't be my man.

Aren't you supposed to stick it out, through the thick and thin?

Don't get me wrong. I stuck it out. Hear what I'm saying, there were some tough times that in my complete amazement, we BOTH stuck it out. But a part of my love is respecting someone's change of heart. I may not like what you want or think or even do but I will respect it and if you want something easy and I'm not easy, then I respect you enough to let you go find what you need or want at that time. That's not to say that it doesn't hurt but we don't always make the right decisions, but we must make the necessary ones. And the only time you are obligated is in marriage. When it comes to dating, especially at a young age like this, you have to let people find out what they want and usually the only way to do that is to get it wrong a few times.

Do you see you two trying again in the future?

I can't see anything in the future. Period. But I am curious to see if we would ever work under different circumstances at a different age and time. Only because, as of now, I can't see my life without him in at all. Lovers or not, I consider/considered him one of my best friends and a loss like that on top of everything else is sad, very sad. I think the space will do us both good. We'll either remember what we loved about each other and try again or it'll just be that, a memory, practice even. smiles.

If it's a memory, what has been your favorite one?

Hands down, my 23rd birthday. I don't usually celebrate my birthday for some reason. Everything usually just falls apart but not that one. He went all out and I was pleasantly surprised and thankful for seeing him love me in a very romantic and public fashion. I was happy, even with cake on my face.

If you could change one thing from the relationship, what would it be?

I don't have to. He's the type of person that I could love in a different time, a different place, hell a different planet. I could love him in four languages, in an apartment or a mansion, at work or at home, he's just a great guy once you know him or rather once he knows you. Nothing changes that.

Why are you so private about your relationships?

Oh man. I really don't know how I got that way. I'm very protective of the people in my life and I think that need to preserve all things beautiful gets in the way and overshadows my need for acknowledgment.

Why now? Why be so blunt now?

It's more for me than anything else. Keeping secrets is exhausting. Not even secrets so much, but walking around with the weight of an entire experience can be tiring. Especially when people have things to say, being the bigger person gets overrated. I have feelings, opinions and memories that only he would know. And if he had something to say, then ok but everybody else, come on. You don't know me and you damn sure don't know him so if we need space from each other, I think people need to respect that, or at least I would like them to.

If you could dispel any rumor, what would it be?

It's not about jealousy, it's not about what you think is going on. It's simply about respect, on both ends. And there is nothing dramatic about that.

So, besides that what else has been occupying your time?

The usual. The Yankees won their 27th world series championship, so I celebrated in the City of the Losers, good ole' Philadelphia. I wore the Blue fitted proudly. It was only appropriate.

Um...what else? For Halloween, I took shots on the bar, like a big girl. Wasn't too bad. And I love the picture that came out of it. We look like rebels. Keyword: look. But we're not, at least I'm not.

You're not a rebel?

Not in the least. I'm the girl who sits at home by herself doing arts and crafts projects and my hair. Not a rebel at all. I don't know where people got that idea from.

You don't think you had anything to do with that assumption?

I mean, yes and no. I think I've just been in positions that have required me to be outspoken and I have to meet a lot of people. But people tend to forget, that's my job, not my life. Two very separate things. When I'm at home, I like peace and quiet, maybe a movie if I'm up to it. Nothing crazy or rebellious. I'm not going to call myself a prude to prove my friends right but I'm not too far off.

.outside voices.

.inside voices.

It sounds like you're two different people.

Maybe three. I am a lot of things in one woman. I'm a student, I'm an employee, I'm a mother, I'm a friend, a daughter, a woman and so forth. Those are not in order of priority. I just think I behave accordingly when the time calls for it. I'm not going to take shots at work and I'm not going to bring my child to a bar. Different places require different things and I just like to find the balance between them all and I don't apologize for it. I don't apologize often for anything actually.

You don't apologize?

Not usually. If I said something, I'm 98% sure I meant it. If I do apologize, it's because I may not have meant it to come out the way it did or maybe I said it at the wrong time but rarely do I ever do/say something I don't mean. I'm not apologizing for something intentional. What the f.ck for? That's just not genuine.

When's the last time you apologized?

Two months ago. I remember because I don't do it often. But in that instance, I apologized because I was unclear about what I was trying to say, not for what I actually said.

Do you want people to apologize to you when they offend you or hurt you?

No. We're all adults now. You know what you're doing and you do it anyway. Own that. No need for apologies. I won't like everything. That doesn't mean you have to apologize for everything.

So when people hurt you, what happens next?

Nothing really. I take three days, that's my limit, to really understand what happened, how I feel about it and draw up a conclusion. If I'm going to keep the person around, I decide to let it go. If I think it's too big to let go, I let the person go. I don't like to mull over things for longer than three days. Takes too much out of me.

So you don't argue, yell or scream?

Ha. Rarely. I have a terrible temper and I make a conscious attempt to curb it. So if I do get into an argument, it's pretty much over. You've pushed me too f.ckin' far. Usually, by that point, it's a closing argument and therefore that relationship is over.

How bad is your temper?

It's bad like if I saw you in the street dying, I would walk right over you. It's like attack mode. You're either gonna cry or bleed, maybe both. But you will lose. I don't play.

Damn. Do you get mad often?

Nope. I don't give a f.ck enough to get mad usually. I'm not saying that's a good thing but its the truth. 98% of the time, I just do not care. It's that 2% that people should be worried about.

So, if you don't get mad often, what makes you happy?

I wouldn't say I exchange one for the other. I'm usually not mad or happy. I'm usually indifferent balancing between an emotional mediocrity if that makes sense. If I am happy, it's usually because my day was peaceful or I spent it with people I genuinely care about.

Who do you care about?

I care about a lot of people. I care about the people I have made a genuine connection with. When I love someone, it's unconditional so I tend to love people that can keep it real with me because I need that clarity, that transparency. I can't love shadows and gray areas. Once I know what I'm working with, love tends to come naturally. The list of names is far too long.

Do you write about the people you care about?

Yes. All the time. Maybe that's a bad habit.

Why is that a bad habit?

Because I don't write it chronologically. So, sometimes people take offense or think it's about them and it's really not. My entries can be days, weeks, even months later and then sometimes they can be evidence of that day but you never know with me so it's never good to assume. For a person who has a lot of secrets, you can't always think they're about you.

Why do you write in the first place?

Because nobody listens when I talk. When I speak, everyone always thinks I'm joking for some reason. I have one of those insincere, playful voices. I don't think people know when I'm serious so when I write, they can decide for themselves.

Do you show people what you've written about them?

No. I'm not here to flatter anyone. If you feel like it's about you, you have a 50/50 chance of being right. So you read and you battle it out with your conscious.

Do you ever write about good things?

Yes. I mostly write about love and all that it entails. But as good as love is, there are ugly parts of it and people pick and choose what they take from my writing. People will say, 'you're always writing about a guy that did something wrong' but they pass right over the part that says how much I love that guy. So I've learned to just write and not read it over. I rarely, if ever edit anything. That's how I keep my writing honest. That's how I felt and I won't let someone's comments guilt me into writing anything else.

Why haven't you written a book yet?

I'm not ready. And I'm not rushing. I have two concepts already. But I'm not ready to put my diary on your nightstand. I'm taking my time. Sh.t I wanna know what happens at the end too. laughs.

Who will you dedicate your first book to?

Good question. Can I get back to you on that? And I will get back to you.