Uh. No, not quite. Still working on it.
Can you tell a sneak peek of what it's going to be about?
I won't say much but I will say that it's going to discuss significant events and people. You're just going to have to wait and see.
Hmm. Can you name a significant time in your life?
Uh. There are so many. I think anytime I stand by my feelings, it's a significant time. In my mind, I know the type of woman I want to be but men will make you second guess so many things if you let them. I say all that to say, anytime that I've stuck by my decision to leave or stay for myself and not anyone else, it's been significant. I have to get used to letting go what's not good even it feels that way. Strength doesn't come naturally, it's definitely a habit.
Do you mean men, like significant other or men in general?
Men in general. I think male relationships are important be it your father or your boyfriend. Everything relates. The quicker I learned that about myself, the more things started adding up for me. I dated two people like my father and had the nerve to be surprised at the outcome. I know my father so I should have known. It's ok to hope for something different but don't bank on it. I used to see the signs and ignore them. Now I see the signs and ignore you.
Speaking of your father, what is your relationship like with him?
If it isn't the most complicated relationship in the world, I don't know what is. I am the spitting image of my father but I still don't understand that man. The biggest difference between us is that we love so differently. His love is not unconditional at all, whereas mine is. So our tolerance levels are very different. We co-exist. But I really don't know how much my father knows about me as a person. He's the smartest man I know but he is also very private. Anything goes with him.
Do you think that has an effect on your intimate relationships?
Hm. It hasn't yet. Well, that's a lie. I used to be very adamant about not expecting anything because I didn't want to be let down. My father has a way of saying he'll be somewhere and you don't hear from him again. And I can say the same about myself. But now, after coming through a very open relationship, I will say that I do have expectations. I expect you to do what you say you're going to do and if you let me down then I need to acknowledge that and learn from it. I can't keep pretending that if I don't expect something, that it will make disappointment easier to deal with because it doesn't. So, as of now, my relationship with my father has no bearing on my relationship with men.
Do you see yourself in a relationship anytime soon?
Hell no. I never see it coming so I don't think the next time will be any different. But my last one taught me that if someone says they're not ready, believe them. Relationships are heavy and it takes two people to carry them. So, no I don't feel like carrying a damn thing right now. I'm tired. A break up or a falling out is like a cut, my scab isn't healed yet. I need to let these wounds close up and then deal with whatever comes my way. The last one taught me how to take my time and I cherish that. That was nearly two years of build up and progress. And I enjoyed seeing the seeds we planted grow into something beautiful so next time around, I want it to be nice and slow. No rushing.
Wait, I realized I didn't ask you this. Were you in love?
I think I was working on it, I can even go as far as saying, I wasn't too far from it. But when you're at that stage, far and close mean the same thing.
Have you ever been in love?
Oh yes. The head over heels, smile when I hear your name type of in love. Yea. But that was too crazy for me, too intense. I couldn't see my way out of it. Good lovers, bad decisions. I don't want to be in love like that ever again. Nope. No thank you.
So if you're taking a break from the love thing, what about sex?
What about it? I am celibate! And I mean it. My mind, body and spirit have to realign themselves. I was a part of another person. I need to remember what it felt like to be in my own skin. I need to regain my shape because I was molded to someone else. First and foremost, I don't even know anybody worth considering. And secondly, if I don't know when to take a break, I'll wear myself out.
So when will you return to land of fornication?
:Laughs: Oh my goodness, just the thought of it creeps me out. Um. There's no deadline. But I am really trying to fall in love with myself first. I'm really trying to understand what I want and how I'm going to get it, whether it's a relationship or a job. Once I figure that out, I think I'll let the rest fall into place.
So when people describe you as bitter, is there any truth to that?
No. I'm not bitter. People often mistake one emotion for another. Sometimes people think I'm mad and I'm really disappointed. Maybe I'm not good at conveying how I feel or maybe they're not good at interpreting my physical emotions. But I don't apologize for being mad when I am mad. You damn right I get pissed off if I lose something or someone. Isn't that natural? If I didn't give a fc.k after all the time, work and feelings I put into something or someone, then you should be worried.
So you're not the 'mad, black woman?'
No, that's just a movie.
Speaking of movies, if there was one about your life, what would be the title?
"I'm not dead yet." laughs. Any movie about me would just be just one surprise after the next. I'm nothing like people imagine me to be or even assume. Sometimes I wish I could describe it for people but there's no point. People will always believe what they want to.
What would you leave out of the movie?
Oh my goodness. I could leave out plenty! Hmm. shakes head. I would leave out some intense, private scenes. Some things are not for the big screen. As a matter of fact, most things are not for anybody else but me.
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