oh.

intense.

Shannon and Monica Brown

daddy's home

i saw him standing there, his shadow resting on the wood panels to our home.  he wasn't supposed to be there.  'away on business' were the three words that had replaced the most important trilogy in our speech, the 'i love yous.' but there he was standing in the doorway, reminding me what butterflies felt like after all these years.  he still had the desire to surprise me and the stealth to pull it off.  his charm was in our vows, i swear it was.  through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer and to be charming for all the days of our lives, i was very much in love with him.  and the surprise was not that he was home while i was missing him, but rather that he still wanted to come home against all odds.

when the smoke clears

when u take the oxygen away, the flames die out. thank God i'm not a cigarette because when you take my breath away, that's when i start living.

imagine being a living legend

well then.
i'll let this take over my entire page for the following reason.  
shawn carter is videotaping his wife, his lover and his best friend.
and after all their years together and their vows, he is still in awe.


here's to falling in love all over again.

research

i actually read a lot of blogs.  i call it research but i really don't know why.  i have a few favorites and then a few that i won't add to my favorites but i check regularly.  i don't know why i do that either.  i like a lot of blogs especially ones with short pieces and relevant pictures.  those are cute.  but the one thing i have noticed is that i require a lot of reading on my blog.  while i do occasionally post pictures and videos, i do ask a lot from the people that visit this little page of mine.  and i want to say thank you.  because even when my writing flows or it's at a standstill, the fact that you sit through this is very kind of you and i appreciate it.


oh and in reading a lot of people's blogs, i see how similar a lot of us are.  the downside is that i have met some, actually most of these bloggers in real life and they are nowhere near as entertaining in real life.  sometimes i'm disappointed but then i realize i respect their courage more than their ability to entertain.  and with that all judgement ceases.  


love you. from the bottom of my heart.

everything counts

i feel like everything counts NOW.  not to say that it didn't before but i'm just noticing now.  like i don't want to have sex with anyone i'm not willing to have a child with.  even if i don't want any more children, just in case, i need to know that i'm willing to stand you for the next eighteen years.  so now, everything counts.  you can't just get my number with the intention of adding another body to your list.  you get my number, we talk, we date, we have sex, we have kids. take it or leave it, but my uterus has been known to get real hype so keep your sperm if you're not with this program...


needless to say, everything counts now.  you can't play with people's lives or with their time because it's quite obvious that we're paying for both at prices we can't afford.  and love?
well i'll be damned.  i'm not even playing with that because MY love is unconditional and i'm running out of favors and blessings for those lucky folks so let me chill.


all i'm saying is that potentials could turn into husbands and one night stands can turn into children...i just don't want to play games anymore primarily because there are no do overs.  


everything counts and i really can't waste time i don't even have.

don't worry about a thing

the truth is, i don't like who i am all of the time but i'll be damned if i don't love myself.  


on another note, life is like the ocean. you have to keep swimming to get to the other side.  but real swimmers know sometimes you have to take a break and just float. stretch your arms out, point your feet and your lips to the sun and let the tide take you where it pleases.  i think i'm floating right now, at least emotionally.  
i'm tired of missing someone. 
i'm tired of pleasing someone.  
i'm tired of trying to find an answer that suits your ego and forgets the question.
i'm actually very tired of being tired.
and maybe this is just a phase, one of those bad weeks where my humanity has weakened my faith in the divine but this is what it is, not what it will be.


but i've been through worse, much worse and i've never quit anything or anyone.  i believe in grace beyond tribulation.  so i'm just gonna keep snacking on my favorite comfort foods, get my eyebrows done and tap into whatever strength i haven't used yet.

careful what you wish for

sometimes i wish i would die so my mother would miss me more, so he would kiss me more  but then, i'd be dead missing my mother and wishing i was kissing him.

we're at that age...

apparently we're at that age where everything matters...and as a lady with a functioning uterus, it never fails to come up, when i'll be ready to have more children, get married and own a minivan.  now let me just say, there are some great minivans on the market but i will not be owning one.  but about the dream wedding that every girl dreams of? yeah, i didn't dream of that but since we're on the subject, i might as well talk about what i have in mind, if someone EVER pops the question.


i want the weather to be warm with absolutely no chance of rain, not a summer rain, not a tropical rain, not a 'you know i'm so natural i barely even drink water as to not make my hair frizz up' rain...so clearly i'm having an early summer wedding.  i would like my grandmother to make my dress, a simple slip dress, preferably satin or chiffon.  but honestly, the most important part about this make believe wedding is the food my husband. i just want a man at the end of the aisle that i can love forever even if forever means only 12 more hours or 40 more years.


to be honest, as long as he's willing, i'm there, in a white dress or not.

friendship

friends know each other so well that we match by accident

hiding under a rock

he's my vacation.

pastels

Tamera Mowry on her wedding day with her matron of honor and twin sister, Tia.

flashback

"there are no rules, just a mutual respect." 


there's a very thin line between privacy and professionalism. and i do feel like i owe it to my writing to be completely honest.  however, there are special things that are only reserved for the people who inspire them.  so as many things as i actually share, there are far more that i do not.  


do you know what i like about the internet? or at least blogs? (this one and livingproverb.tumblr.com)  they are little animated journals that remind of where i've been, who i was with and how i felt.  now granted i could just keep a real journal/scrapbook or rather write one, but as great as that seems, let's face it, typing is way easier than scrapbooking. it's also very lonely.  i guess i share these things online because sometimes, i believe these things are only happening in my head but YOU always remind me that it's happening in yours too and some journeys are better with company.  so i decided to go through a few of MY FAVORITE POSTS and even explain the inspiration behind them.


Let a good thing be good
my grandmother is a seamstress so sewing has always had a special place in my heart.  she had us (my cousins and i) sewing before we could do anything else.  she even made my prom dress and i hope that one day she'll make my wedding dress.  sewing taught me a lot about patience and the ability to make something beautiful and intricate out of something so plain and simple.  the art of sewing honestly taught me more about relationships than i ever thought possible.  the person who spoke the words that ended up being the title is actually the same astrological sign as my grandmother which is how i connected it to the piece.  the two of them remind me so much of one another because of their 'tough love' approach.  and i think the piece is genuinely about love and what it takes to build it and i share that with these two people.  one i was born to love and the other i might end up loving till my last breath.  it's just about the process of growth and the special attention each piece really needs to thrive.  my favorite line has to be "whether i gain my footing or whether i gain weight, we can make alterations to accommodate the space that no longer lives between us."  it's definitely a thank you to my grandmother for building the foundation to the empire that i share with a special person.


Skinny b.tches are evil
definitely one of my FAVORITES! so much dialogue came from this one piece.  it was well needed though.  i definitely felt like and still feel like everything about my appearance fools people into believing that i don't have any insecurities so i figured i would clear that up.  i chose weight because i was literally shocked that 'skinny' women aren't considered 'real' women.  i have a uterus just like the b.tch who said that...i'm getting tight again.  but basically i thought it was important to address that we have the same insecurities just in different sizes.  i am so thankful for everyone who commented and took a minute to be vulnerable and hash it out.  it was one of those things that bring on the laughter and the tears...beautiful nonetheless.


anne sexton
her story is so intriguing to me.  there's a lot of women in history who were celebrated from the outside meanwhile being tortured on the inside. sometimes i feel like i am one of those women so i try to pay homage to their struggle.  whatever struggle someone is going through is never easy and i have a special place in my heart for the writers.  a lot of people think that we share too much or we don't like what someone says, it's our fault for putting it out there in the first place but i've realized that as much as one writes, there is ten times more that they don't so i like to not only address but show respect to the internal battle we face.  the prettiest words come from such ugly places.  i couldn't imagine the person i would be if i didn't share these thoughts with someone so i decided to write alongside with her because i admire her talent and i do believe that is a conversation we could have had.  it was very different from the writing i usually do but it was also very honest to the point where sometimes when i read it, i can see the pain of it.  she's just deep to me and we all know you can't swim in shallow waters.


thumper
favorite line..."we were only rearranging the furniture so we could make more room for our dreams."  i think this piece was written from a very vulnerable place.  i really felt this way.  i was hitting a turning point in something that wasn't a relationship.  i was at that line where friendship could only be a default because i was starting to want more and i was not comfortable with that at all.  it was so unexpected and so fresh.  definitely out of the blue.  i had trouble believing these words were coming out of me.  it was a light hearted piece but very symbolic of the journey i was undertaking.  i was about to show my cards for a game i didn't even want to play.  it's sexual and emotional all at the same time but it was still at a point when sex couldn't save me.  my emotions were overriding the physicality of the bond.  it is a very naive piece and for me that is rare so i cherish it.


honesty is so damn crafty
this is a true story. verbatim. it's actually a few days after i wrote THUMPER and you can definitely see me struggling with how i felt, what i deserved and what i was willing to ask for.  i wasn't comfortable at all with where i stood and what position i was playing.  much love to the homegirl setting me straight.  sometimes the gray area does get old even when we're too young to admit it.  in the end, i came to terms with the fact that i was feeling something and the risk is there but i had to believe he was worth it to express that.  funny reading it back now because then i was like 'omg.' but all is well that ends well.  


i have a few more but i'll let you catch up first.

the creative process

my creative process demands a lot and i know this. i'm completely uncomfortable with it though.  this should be a lot simpler but i'll figure it out.  for the love of my craft i have to.  i've been playing POISON by Beyonce for a week straight with only one interruption by her former bandmate Kelly Rowland's MOTIVATION.





though nothing in my life as of right now resonates from these lyrics but it's somewhere i've been and for that maybe, this song is the theme for this week's contribution to this blog better known as my life.  

better left unsaid

my my my...i've missed you.
been working sixteen hour days and spending every free moment asleep
the writer in me is at war with the lover i am desperately wanting me to dish the secrets of what it takes to be loyal to both professions
and what can i say?
lovers have secrets even though writers have needs
and i swear i'm trying to find a middle ground to quench your thirst
but this is all i came up with...

we are not perfect but we are complete.

NO EPIDURAL, NOT EVEN TYLENOL

:taps mic: i did not want to have children. i repeat, i did not want to be a mother


but God tapped me on my shoulder and blessed my womb
and the rest is history...
now i can't imagine anything else
i've never seen a little person be so patient with me, so patient with our circumstances, so understanding of our sacrifices
so if being a week and a half over due, enduring 48 hours of labor, which includes throwing up, hot and cold flashes and no food if you didn't know and 10 hours of active labor, 2 and a half hours of pushing and stretch marks will get you a little person like that, i have to say, i would do it all again in a heartbeat.


you are a walking phenomenon, a reminder that average people can do extraordinary things.

fearless

Thandie Newton

play nice

this is gonna be vulgar so if you're a fan of the more demure, this post might prove quite the opposite...


i can always tell when i've been crying in my sleep 
tears stick to my face like sheets to wet dreams
my thighs tremble from loneliness
and my fingers cramp from spelling your name out on my clit
earthquakes dance in my veins from the crushing words we spoke earlier
i want to kiss the anger from your lips and i want your jealousy to pour down in beads of sweat
steam the mirror with the cloudy reflections we are of one another
you have me so mad
i'm arguing with myself
you're keeping me up but i want you to stay up
and since you're so stubborn, i want to sit on whatever part of you is so hard...of understanding
and if i have to rotate my hips to make my point then so be it
if i have to expose my backbone by arching it then please place your hand in the small of my back, knock on my spine because i don't want to feel my legs when we're done
i want to scream your name...
into the pillow that is
i want you to pull me back into reality...by my hair
and i want you to shut the f.ck up and bite your tongue...
once you're done using it...
they say make love and not war
but whoever said that never fought for love
because here we are, fighting and biting, scratching and screaming
begging for the other to come with the permission of time
and isn't it amazing that we can't agree on anything except for the fact that you are mine and i am yours?
so you're gonna have to hold my tiny wrists above my head so i won't beat your chest with my frustrations
and i'd rather you leave bruises from you sucking on my neck rather than scars on my heart
yes you can rip those vickies off, i have forty more pairs
leave them at my pedicured toes and find the place that says 'enter here'
i want you inside of me because that's the only time you don't let the outside in
arguments can never find their rhythm against the melody of skin
so when you say 'can i come,' yes you can, please do, come here, come now, come with me
you will always oblige
why?
because it doesn't matter what we did
he is mine and i am is.

just saying

if i keep looking into your eyes, i'm gonna fall in the same love i'm just trying to make...

She just keeps getting better...

she is literally an empire.