Bitter crescendo

A bitter crescendo of words
I go up and down with you
Moans sound like screams
Pain feels the same
And I look in the mirror and see a woman I don't even recognize
I'm loving you more these days, hugging you more these days
Believing in myself, these ways aren't me, well they aren't me if you knew me yesterday
But I'm grateful for a critical love 
A loud love
A demanding love that requires me to be more of a woman than the reflection of a man
I am glad that I found a love that I can't own 
Because it is so free, so unshackled, so "I'm kissing you because it's Tuesday and I don't even have to be here" 
I found the "put the kids to bed because I want to make some more" love
The empty love that fills its own belly up with plans for upcoming holidays and anniversaries for things we haven't even done yet
This was a bitter crescendo of words
Learning to love you in kind nouns and refrain from using harsh adjectives when you make me feel negative things
It was bitter watching you go but sweet knowing and believing that you would come back to me
This was bitter finding my fit into your arms, my legs around your waist, my smile wrapped around your lips
This was a bitter journey wiggling ourselves into eternity
Banging on the door of monogamy
Screaming "Let me in! I don't want to f.ck anybody but you!"
I mean, when they told me that all's fair in love and war, I had no idea what it meant
And now I look at you, looking at us and I know that being fair in love is knowing that sometimes love isn't fair
We will get angry, we will get selfish, we will be unkind, we will be lovers again in the morning, we will be partners in the grocery store, we will be the captains of our own sailing ship
We will have balance and the bitter crescendo of words will be sweet by the time we figure out how to put this love into a sound so light that words cannot even lay their head upon the melody