Venus Genus

I recently did a very personal piece for VenusGenus and while I fully exposed myself to her readers, I felt that I owed my readers a thorough follow up.  Read the entire article on the website and below is the interview directly after.


I don't even know where to begin.  Why reveal this now?
It's definitely been a long road and this has been a discussion for a while.  I wasn't necessarily waiting for the right time but I found it.  To me, Dashira's website is intended to inspire dialogue between ALL women.  I read the articles inside and out and I found that a crucial population was missing...the raped women, the women that suffer in silence, the quiet ones, the women no one recognizes because they hide in their own shadows, women we know, the woman I've been.  We talk TO them but we don't talk about what matters to them.  I know that feeling and I didn't want to be another person to perpetuate that.  To this day, I have never known a woman whom I consider my peer who has admitted to having survived a rape.  Not one, but it's happening.  In fact, it's happening right now and now's never been a better time.  


Why didn't you reveal this on your own blog?
This blog has become a real time blog for the most part.  I'm not exactly sure when that happened but everything you read is happening, whereas the rape is something that happened.  I didn't want to go backwards, I didn't want to relive something so ugly in a time so beautiful.  What I went through is not who I am and right now this blog is who I am.


What made you write this?
I had Dashira's website open for at least two weeks on my computer.  I was hoping if I stared  long enough, I would be inspired and that's what came up.  But I had been going over this in my mind for months.  I felt like I was being dishonest with myself, the people I love and the people that love me for keeping this.  It felt like I was lying. I couldn't let someone get close to me because I felt like I couldn't be honest about this.  I didn't know how to explain my fear of commitment or my nonchalant attitude toward sex without addressing this.  It felt like my description of relationships were missing the foreword.  I had fast forwarded to the middle of my life without giving you the intro and for me, that was a huge disservice not only as a woman but as a writer.  Every chapter counts.


What was your biggest fear with letting the world read this?
I wasn't afraid at all.  I was cautious but I wasn't afraid.  The worst part is over.  I don't expect the readers to feel that way but I survived that, you know?  I live with that every day.  I was afraid years ago but that moment has passed.  That ship has sailed.


What do you think the response will be?
Oh my gosh.  I have no idea.  I was on the phone with a few people all day preparing for the backlash, prepping my responses and defending my thoughts but I have absolutely no idea what another person will do.  Will people talk about this?  Of course, they talk about everything else, why not this?  Will people that don't like me or people I don't like see this?  Yes, that's a real possibility.  Will they throw it in my face one day? Maybe.  What about the person I deal with or will deal with in the future?  Is he going to look at me differently? Will they run and tell my family members?  I considered it all and I still don't know.  All I know is that I survived something very tragic that felt so personal at the time but how personal could it be if so many women have experienced the same thing?  I mean,  I am who I am.  I'm not looking for pity or puppy dog eyes,  I'm looking for dialogue.  I'm demanding that the conversation happens.  


How long have you been walking around with this burden?
I'm not going to answer that, I don't want people trying to calculate when, where, how and with who.  I will say this about it though, if you've ever watched the rape scene in For Colored Girls, then there you have it.  I'm not saying that was the situation, the 'whole date and come over for dinner thing', I'm talking about the act itself.  When I was sitting there watching the movie, it was like an outer body experience.  I was completely taken aback.  When she [Anika Noni Rose] was watching the clock, I remembered how I watched the clock.  I mean, the act of someone forcing themselves in your space, in your body, it's disgusting, it's demeaning, it's something I can't even fully describe.  There's not enough water in the world to wash off the grime that shame carries.  I felt that.  Some days, I still feel it. 


What is the hardest part about being a victim?
Deciding to become a survivor.  You know, I missed days of my life, weeks even.  I was walking around in a blur.  Can you imagine walking down the street every day and praying that you don't see the person that did that to you?  I was turning corners slowly because I was terrified of who would bump into.  I literally wanted to melt into the concrete.  He had taken away peace from me and essentially I was at war with myself.  I was mad at myself.  How did I get there? What did I do?  Why didn't I scream?  Why didn't I fight?  I was mad at myself for being afraid, for choosing to live over fighting and dying.  I didn't know who I was more mad at.  Then on top of being mad, I didn't really talk about it with someone I knew.  I only talked to my therapist who I had just met and the first few sessions I couldn't even bring myself to say the word rape.  There was an awkward silence, hours of space with nothing to fill it with.  I just sat there as number 157 and he just watched me.  He was patient but I just wanted to get better.  I just wanted to be normal again.  And he had to tell me that I would never be the same.  I would never go back to the girl I was before that day.  I was never going to get OVER it but I could get through it so every day, that's my challenge - to simply get through it.


If you could say anything to your attacker, what would it be?
"You are not MY attacker and I am not YOUR victim.  We do not belong to one another." 


What do you remember most from the incident?
I mean, not one part is bigger than another but doing the rape kit was another rape in itself. They're looking for evidence of wounds that run deeper than scrapes, abrasions and bruising to the cervix.  When you hear those terms, it's so hard to grasp that they're talking about you.  And it's a tricky thing because even though it's evident that sex happened, sex and rape can be so different.  No one prepares you for that, for the feeling of something so common being so foreign at the same time.


What did your friends/family say when you told them you were putting up this piece?
Honestly, me and some of my very close friends talked about it and we went back and forth.  They were really just anticipating what would happen and trying to prepare me for it and I love them for that.  They know writing is a form of therapy for me but they're also very protective of my image, my life, everything so they don't play!  They're just ready for me to do whatever I need to do because they support me and this process.  They're there when I'm crying, laughing, stressing and I don't thank them enough but they make this blog happen.  They make my world spin and as long as they're by my side, I'm not afraid of anything or anyone.


Final words?
The word phenomenal means: of or relating to a phenomenon.  Extraordinary, outstanding, remarkable.   That's what this journey is: nothing short of a miracle.  Now go read Venus Genus!

temple alum

Mr. Jesse Williams

and that's all i have to say about that.

you told me you loved me baby

you ate breakfast from the palm of my hands
the very hands that aligned the earth underneath the stars for you
rotated the planets just so you could look up and have something to reflect the God in you
you drank from my rivers
as i spilled over into your life with my nourishment
you grew from my springs
i fed you faithfulness on a spoon with a sterling hand
and like the god i made you out to be, your reflection was that of a common man
you never cease to amaze me with your humanity
with your greed, your lust, your morning breath
your craven mouth swelling on breasts i don't recognize
i apologize though for not being able to feed you mediocrity disguised in sex
there is nothing mediocre about this vagina
and i only know that because you told me over and over again
under a plastered ceiling with the heat of our bodies on fogged windows
you loved me
i could never make that up even if you did
but your love is more human than it should be
your love wanders to dark places and cheap thrills
and then tells me that this is what heaven feels like
if this is heaven then whose god are we having a conversation with?
all i know is that you ate breakfast from the palm of my hands
but you didn't bother staying for dinner

someone like you

this is for tiffany who listened to the album, knew what it meant for me and exactly who it reminds me of.



how can the man who broke your heart cherish someone else's?
now that's a mystery. a very big mystery.

we're too different to all sound the same

too many poets sound alike and that's what turns me off about performing
i can't grasp how a talent so unique ends up sounding the same under bright lights and middle fingers nice enough to snap
so i tried it just to see for myself
and i sounded like myself
intermittent pauses 
words in the company of threes, something i like to call the paragraphs in trilogy
my voice barely above a whisper because when i'm really talking, i'm barely speaking
and there were small giggles lacing the piece like fall leaves on summer afternoons
so beautifully placed that no one bothered to ask how they got there in the first place
see i believe that we all owe a certain coup de grâce to the battle we're fighting when we're begging earth's angels to listen
they want to be appealing, they want the snaps, they want the acknowledgement
but when did poetry become about what we want instead of giving someone what they need?
i feel. i feel. i feel. there goes that trilogy again
the hand on the nape of my neck 
the pressed fingers on my inner thighs 
the palms on the small of my back
are signs telling me to come when i'm ready and however i feel like it
so before we go on stage looking to be recognized
come and come loud with a craft that no one has ever seen before...
they can snap to that...of course they would have to take their hand off the nape of your neck and their fingers from in between your thighs and their palms far away from the small of your back 
but once their hands are free...
they can snap to that...

she's still a kid

adorable.

nothing but space with not enough time

long distance is the shortest route to humble.

black couples.

"y'all are like jay-z and beyonce"
without the millions of dollars i guess. 

what love is

how can you let go?

i believe true love never ends. even when relationships do.

responsibility.

i had every intention of loving you for a lifetime 

and i did

until the girl in me died trying to make a woman out of the pieces you so casually left behind

i'm kinda feeling myself now

meaning i'm no longer numb to the reality of the pain you caused

i got a new haircut, moved out of our apartment and finally admitted to the landlord that my boyfriend won't be helping me lift these heavy boxes

at least they're half as empty as when we brought them in

i walk down the stairs and i look back to ask you if you have the keys

only to realize that you're not there and neither are the keys

so now i'm locked out of a home i don't even wanna be in

sitting on the steps too proud to call you for the spare and feeling like one instead

your spare girlfriend and your spare home and your spare love affair

i feel like the backup plan without a plan

strangers walk by me sitting there like i'm irresponsible for getting locked out

i'm not irresponsible

i mailed the bills out, i washed the dishes, i cooked, i cleaned, i woke you up on time, i remembered to pass you your wallet, your towel and your basketball sneakers

i am responsible

even though i locked myself out of our home, well... what was our home

and you are responsible for that all by yourself

but me i am responsible too.

shattered. heartbroken. but responsible for loving someone who thought it was easier to love someone else

i had every intention of loving you for a lifetime

too bad, the phrase 'life is short' never crossed my mind.

soundtrack of my life...

i have this ipod that was with me during my last relationship.  i hardly ever used it so he ended up with it.  needless to say, he used to surprise me by putting albums i was really looking forward to on it for me.  the ipod became an extension of both of us.  everything from Oj da Juiceman to Toni Braxton, with Jay-Z, and Anthony Hamilton with Fabolous and R. Kelly, the Dream, Juvenile, Day 26, Beyonce, Donell Jones, Kanye West, Biggie, Drake, Chrisette Michele, anyone you can think of.  this ipod is the playlist of almost two years of my life.  i recently just turned it on and i couldn't believe it.  i almost had tears in my eyes as i remembered the first time i heard some of these songs or when we used to play them in the car/house.  it's a reminder of who i was, what we went through and how all of it is just a memory.  anyway, i found some favorites that you might like, laugh at or relate to.

just remember, relationships are like ipods.  there's always a new one waiting to come out.







mind you, juelz JUST released the video for this song...(at least he had me ahead of the curve)



i'm warning you now, this song is all the way reckless!

generations

I was raised by my grandmother in language designated for just the two of us.  Her words were always spoken with the best intention.  This woman brought my soul to fruition, made dumplings out of my misery and taught me how to pray.  Her fables brought me through puberty and her stories introduced me to characters named ambition, perseverance and humility.  She is my living journal in whom I confide all of my secrets in with permanent ink.  The two of us speak unconditional love fluently never stumbling over action words like trust, grow and hope.   I used to listen to her stories until I realized that I am her story.  I am the third generation of women who have raised children on pennies, loved men without morals and have cooked feasts with morsels.  

I became a woman in this native tongue of ours learning that life was more than living.  She is my soul, the ink in the stroke of my pen and if I write, it is because she let me hear my own voice.

storyteller

I believe the Bible is the greatest story ever written and I wish Noah’s ark had a little more room for me.  I have beliefs that only belong in the crevices of worn journals stuffed behind nightstands hiding from concerned mothers and nosey little brothers.  I am a storyteller.  Being a woman, a mother, a friend and a scorned lover is not enough.  You can find any of those on the next block over but what you won't find is someone as willing to share their story.  I believe in dialogue as if it is a religion with a promising salvation at the end of every sentence.  Before the internet, telephones and email, there were campfires with voices hanging over the flames telling the stories of ancient love, tragic wars and even humor.  They were storytellers.  There ARE storytellers.  I am one.

communication is key

so nobody said, "hey babe, let's look like we're going to the same place?"

ex lover

women are the best lovers.

i still smell you.

your voice on my pillow makes every dream sweet.

chocolates and flowers and such.

i told myself i would have nothing to say about Valentine's Day but i am made up of three things; acrylic, strawberry shakes and estrogen. i wouldn't be me if i didn't talk about the commercial holiday that threatens the very existence of what it is supposed to celebrate.

p.s. i'm eating a chocolate covered marshmallow pie for breakfast which can be considered evidence of how delusional i am as i write this.

moving right along, i'm not saying Valentine's Day is make or break for me, but i think about it.  it's like any other commercial holiday, Mother's Day, Father's Day.  this day is designated to celebrate the position i hold in whatever romantic situation i am in.  you're supposed to appreciate your mother every day but you wouldn't dare miss out on reminding her on Mother's Day.  it's her day and i think Valentine's Day is supposed to be OUR day.  you should be appreciating your significant other every day but February 14th is like the birthday of your relationship (in addition to your anniversary).  what's wrong with celebrating it? there is nothing wrong with doing something thoughtful for one another just to say, 'if the world thinks there should be a day to celebrate love then i'm glad i have a love to celebrate."

maybe i'm delusional. but for those of you who are so UNWILLING to celebrate, even with small gestures, aren't you saying that you feel there's NOTHING to celebrate?  and if you're telling me that we have NOTHING to celebrate, don't be surprised when i be(leave) you.

just a great picture.

love both outfits and natural faces.

how's this for a dedication?

this is to ensure that i will be at every recital, every spelling bee and every soccer game because i don't want to stop being a mother from 9-5. she's my baby for life and for that, i am honored to be her mother.  this book is to cherish her journey to womanhood while acknowledging my own.  this book is the 'my first period' talk, the sex talk, the first crush talk, the 'what my friends think is more important than what my mother knows' talk. this book is for her.  this is for the day that i can't be there and she needs to talk. for life, i will always exchange words with my daughter. 

RAY ALLEN!!!!!

if you know me personally, you know that RAY ALLEN of the Boston Celtics is my FAVORITE PLAYER IN THE NBA.  that man can shoot threes in his sleep.  he is one of the best shooters in the NBA and has been since he stepped up on the court.  i was first introduced to him by my ex who happened to be a ball player himself.  after following ray's career with his remarkable strength on the court and realistic performance in HE GOT GAME, he's a consistent blessing to the game of basketball.  tonight, he has broken Reggie Miller's record for most three point shots in his career with 2561 completed shots!! tears actually came out of my eyes.  I'm beyond ecstatic for him, his family and his teammates.

Like he said, "at home, I bring them to the feet, away, I bring them to their knees"

Watch that man work!

chris brown

haven't talked about him in a while.  however, this is a simple reminder that this man is talented and i am constantly in awe of him.


Breezy Dance...Freestyle from Mechanical Dummy on Vimeo.

liberty

Don't plan for a lifetime of happiness if you're sad today.


I kept praying God would make it work.


Baby, God is a witness, not a defendant.

free yourself. 

play your part

courtesy of @ms_she.

it's not that people don't know what their position is. it's more so that they don't want to admit what that position is.

there you have it.

while we're on the subject

we can call it love for now.

i must admit for a long time i didn't think i was good enough for a certain type of love and when i say long time, i mean five years.  the term single mother plays with your mind.  it means way more than just raising a child alone, soon enough, it means being alone or settling into relationships that were unfulfilling in some way shape or form.  however, i've realized two things in the past week.


1. i deserve love. the kind of love that gushes through bad days and gives you that glow that nobody can place their finger on.  the kind of love that answers the phone in the middle of your sleep because dreaming isn't as fun without them.  the kind of love the reels excitement at the mention of their name and the kind of love that holds fast in times of heartache.  the kind of love that's still love despite bad hair days, menstrual cycles and his team not even making it to the superbowl.  we deserve an everlasting and unconditional love and we deserve someone to give it to.


2. i have to stop loving by accident.  i have to stop loving someone just because they're there, taking up space, whether it's in my life or in my ...well, you get the point.  love shouldn't be by default, it shouldn't be a pimple, wake up one day, it's there so you deal with it. it will eventually disappear and usually faster than you even notice. so no, i shouldn't love you because the sex was good or because no one else is around.  i should love you with intent.  i want to love with the best intentions.  i want to prepare myself for loving you with all i have in the time i've been given.  i want to love you because you deserve it, because you make me feel good with these extra pounds and my unorganized purse that i can never find my keys in.  i want to love you not because we have great conversations but rather because we don't have to talk to speak.  i want to love you because i have counted your flaws but i lost count trying to keep up with all the good things about you.  i want to love you because it's not easy and it never will be, not with demanding schedules and facebook, but you're worth it.  


to be honest we are not always patient, we're definitely NOT always kind...
you we can get very jealous, we brag and we're even arrogant...
we can be provoking. we do not always take into account the wrong suffered
sometimes we rejoice in the GREEN BAY PACKERS, unrighteousness.
we can be boastful, conceited and rude, sometimes all in one day.
and your pride is a muthaf.cka....
even when we forget to protect one another, trust one another or hope for the best...
LOVE DOES NONE OF THESE THINGS....
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes in all things and endures all things, even when we cannot.

the gifts are rolling in

someone sent me this and i'm eternally grateful.

james franco

what a beautiful human being.

ain't built like you.

never think for a second that just because you can't do something that the person next to you can't.

assumptions get you nowhere.

believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. - anonymous.

forbidden fruit

temptation is sickening.  too bad giving in is the only thing that will make you feel better.

true life: i hate my body

i went from loving my body - svelte, smooth and limber to not even recognizing it - cellulite, stretch marks and pinch-able fat.  i went from dancer to mother and i hated it. i still do.  with clothes on, i seem to do ok.  i'm fluttering between a size 6 and a size 8, closer to the 8, yet and still it's not the size that bothers me as much as it is the structure.  though the reason for my new body (new being five years) is commendable, that doesn't mean i like it at all.  i want a two piece that i feel beautiful in and i would have loved my bigger breasts if they didn't leak milk and i want an ass that makes music when i walk.  ok maybe the music is a bit much but i just want to look in the mirror naked and recognize the person in there.  i know we can't have the bodies we had at eighteen, especially after playing host to a fetus but there are people out there who have and i want to be them!  this may be considered a tantrum but at least i'm only kicking and screaming in my head. on a side note, i do love my new bangs. i actually love a lot more things on my body than i hate. but since i sleep in a t-shirt and panties, no relation to the song, i just happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror when i went to get some ginger ale. nonetheless, i'm going to take a shower, do my hair, lotion this body up and realize that i'm blessed to have a body that works even if it's not exactly what i want.

time flies

i was just talking about the BEST MAN the other day, the other day being november. if you don't remember, click here.  come to find out, the cast is celebrating their twelve year release date!!!!

favorite line?
A woman's virtue is a man's greatest glory.

then

and now...

take my hand.

i don't know why anyone thought it was acceptable to videotape during a funeral. however it's WHITNEY.  Lord, if i die tomorrow, can someone arrange for her to sing over my casket? please. it's only right seeing as her voice is as close as i'll get to heaven at this rate.

love

"Love is when I can willingly encourage you to go explore your dreams even if it means you leaving me behind." -@c_michele1l on her blog.


this literally put tears in my eyes. this love thing is all about sacrifice. it can be so selfless and how can we fathom that when we're a culture that forces capitalization on the letter 'i?'  see why i don't do that now?


if i could ever love like that, then i will feel quite accomplished.  if i cannot, i will keep trying.

this jawn

@ms_she.

easily one of my favorite pictures.

ripped my tights and called me rihanna.

interview 5

I've been gone since November...I have a little explaining to do.

Everybody's been looking for you! Where have you been?

Not everybody, just a few loyal friends. Ha.  Um. I've been sleeping to be honest.  My schedule got crazy SO fast so I'm still trying to adjust.  I barely find time to eat or sleep much less write but after seeing some of these comments, my absence is heartbreaking and disappointing, at least to me.

Yeah, where is your comments page? 

It's still not finished which is also very frustrating.  I can't decide what will be the easiest layout but I still keep up with the comments.  As of late, they've just been reminding me that I'm not writing as much as I used to and they're absolutely right.  I'm not living like I used to either and that's where the problem comes in.  But I feel like I have to approach this like a second job because that's the only way this is going to happen.

You haven't even told us about the first job.  How is it?

Oh well, it's a job and I genuinely love it.  It does so many things to me.  I can't tell you where I work but I will say that it's not a glamourous job at all but I don't have anything to complain about.  I've met some hilarious people and I'm learning something every day.  It's a blessing pretty much and I accept it as such.  Nothing more, nothing less.

Do you miss writing?

You have no idea.  I miss writing like I don't even know.  It's like I haven't come home in weeks.  I haven't been able to get comfortable.  I've found myself screaming on the inside wishing I had the time to cuddle up and just write until my fingers get cramped, which has actually never happened.  That either means that love never tires or I'm not writing enough.  I'm sure both can be true.  I've noticed that since I haven't been writing, I'm a lot more emotional and emotions explode when they don't have a suitable outlet.  I literally wanted to bang my head against the wall!  I was a mess for a few weeks.  I even cried from one thing that ended up with me crying about a million things.  Bless the soul that calmed me down because I was a sniffling wreck, in public at that.

You had an emotional breakdown in public?

Hmm. Tell me about it.  It was definitely too many things happening at once. But I needed that.  I needed that moment to really tell myself, I have no choice but to adjust and to regain my balance.  I had let someone come in and disrupt the little peace I had and then on top of that, make me feel like I wasn't worthy of experiencing good things.  It was a mess.  But when someone makes you feel beautiful in the midst of your mess, I have to believe that happiness is a choice and I'm going to make it!

I know being vague is your thing, but can we squeeze out some specifics?

Vague is definitely my thing but I'm not going to speak ill of anyone so I'll try my best. Between a strained relationship with the father of my child, a difference of opinion between my best friends and I, a lack of food and sleep and trying to figure out what I want and what I'm willing to give in a relationship, it was just over the top.  I was going to crack somebody's skull open and walk away.  I try really hard to stay calm and it certainly takes practice with a temper like mine but I really wanted to cuss everybody out, at least everybody that pissed me off.  There was no more being rational.  Me being nice wasn't working.  I was ready to f.ck it all up.

That is a lot.  Are you feeling better?

That's not even the half but yes I'm feeling a lot better.  But that's not denying the fact that who wants it, can get it.  I didn't forget.

You said someone made you feel beautiful so is it safe to assume that all is well in the love department?

There are a couple people that make me feel beautiful but with that person in particular, it is something very unique, very exclusive, very challenging.  It's definitely something that I think about every single day, something I would like to preserve.

Hmm.  Does he consider himself lucky?

Absolutely not.  I'm nothing but trouble. :Laughs:

What's the most interesting thing that has happened to you in the last week?

Oh! I met someone that reminds me of my ex, in a good way though.  He's brilliant.  Young and brilliant and I think it's the weirdest thing ever.  That's actually pretty funny.

What does that do for your interaction with him?

Nothing in particular.  Sometimes I just stare because I'm just in awe that two people can be that much alike and not know each other at all.

How are your exes?

Great question.  I don't know.

Is that on purpose?

It's not by accident.

Fair enough.  One more question.  Will you ever call someone your boyfriend?

Yes.  It usually goes right after ex.

not at all

i want your good, bad and ugly
but you're playing like you're pretty when you're not
dandelions were never meant to be roses
and i want you to forget me not
i wish i could define what love was for you so i could be your dictionary and let you open me to whatever page you felt like reading today
whatever page you felt like running your fingers over my ink on
i want to find whoever hurt you an put my hands around their neck until their eyes turn white,
then breathe my life into their lips to show you that words are only as invincible as their owner, which is not at all
not at all
their words are not more powerful than my love
not at all

fabulous women

@inadash has created her very own website and it's amazing just like her. see for yourself here. though i would love to submit a piece for her, i have NO idea what to say about myself! so much for calling myself a writer. anyway visit the site. it's amazing.