I recently did a very personal piece for VenusGenus and while I fully exposed myself to her readers, I felt that I owed my readers a thorough follow up. Read the entire article on the website and below is the interview directly after.
I don't even know where to begin. Why reveal this now?
It's definitely been a long road and this has been a discussion for a while. I wasn't necessarily waiting for the right time but I found it. To me, Dashira's website is intended to inspire dialogue between ALL women. I read the articles inside and out and I found that a crucial population was missing...the raped women, the women that suffer in silence, the quiet ones, the women no one recognizes because they hide in their own shadows, women we know, the woman I've been. We talk TO them but we don't talk about what matters to them. I know that feeling and I didn't want to be another person to perpetuate that. To this day, I have never known a woman whom I consider my peer who has admitted to having survived a rape. Not one, but it's happening. In fact, it's happening right now and now's never been a better time.
Why didn't you reveal this on your own blog?
This blog has become a real time blog for the most part. I'm not exactly sure when that happened but everything you read is happening, whereas the rape is something that happened. I didn't want to go backwards, I didn't want to relive something so ugly in a time so beautiful. What I went through is not who I am and right now this blog is who I am.
What made you write this?
I had Dashira's website open for at least two weeks on my computer. I was hoping if I stared long enough, I would be inspired and that's what came up. But I had been going over this in my mind for months. I felt like I was being dishonest with myself, the people I love and the people that love me for keeping this. It felt like I was lying. I couldn't let someone get close to me because I felt like I couldn't be honest about this. I didn't know how to explain my fear of commitment or my nonchalant attitude toward sex without addressing this. It felt like my description of relationships were missing the foreword. I had fast forwarded to the middle of my life without giving you the intro and for me, that was a huge disservice not only as a woman but as a writer. Every chapter counts.
What was your biggest fear with letting the world read this?
I wasn't afraid at all. I was cautious but I wasn't afraid. The worst part is over. I don't expect the readers to feel that way but I survived that, you know? I live with that every day. I was afraid years ago but that moment has passed. That ship has sailed.
What do you think the response will be?
Oh my gosh. I have no idea. I was on the phone with a few people all day preparing for the backlash, prepping my responses and defending my thoughts but I have absolutely no idea what another person will do. Will people talk about this? Of course, they talk about everything else, why not this? Will people that don't like me or people I don't like see this? Yes, that's a real possibility. Will they throw it in my face one day? Maybe. What about the person I deal with or will deal with in the future? Is he going to look at me differently? Will they run and tell my family members? I considered it all and I still don't know. All I know is that I survived something very tragic that felt so personal at the time but how personal could it be if so many women have experienced the same thing? I mean, I am who I am. I'm not looking for pity or puppy dog eyes, I'm looking for dialogue. I'm demanding that the conversation happens.
How long have you been walking around with this burden?
I'm not going to answer that, I don't want people trying to calculate when, where, how and with who. I will say this about it though, if you've ever watched the rape scene in For Colored Girls, then there you have it. I'm not saying that was the situation, the 'whole date and come over for dinner thing', I'm talking about the act itself. When I was sitting there watching the movie, it was like an outer body experience. I was completely taken aback. When she [Anika Noni Rose] was watching the clock, I remembered how I watched the clock. I mean, the act of someone forcing themselves in your space, in your body, it's disgusting, it's demeaning, it's something I can't even fully describe. There's not enough water in the world to wash off the grime that shame carries. I felt that. Some days, I still feel it.
What is the hardest part about being a victim?
Deciding to become a survivor. You know, I missed days of my life, weeks even. I was walking around in a blur. Can you imagine walking down the street every day and praying that you don't see the person that did that to you? I was turning corners slowly because I was terrified of who would bump into. I literally wanted to melt into the concrete. He had taken away peace from me and essentially I was at war with myself. I was mad at myself. How did I get there? What did I do? Why didn't I scream? Why didn't I fight? I was mad at myself for being afraid, for choosing to live over fighting and dying. I didn't know who I was more mad at. Then on top of being mad, I didn't really talk about it with someone I knew. I only talked to my therapist who I had just met and the first few sessions I couldn't even bring myself to say the word rape. There was an awkward silence, hours of space with nothing to fill it with. I just sat there as number 157 and he just watched me. He was patient but I just wanted to get better. I just wanted to be normal again. And he had to tell me that I would never be the same. I would never go back to the girl I was before that day. I was never going to get OVER it but I could get through it so every day, that's my challenge - to simply get through it.
If you could say anything to your attacker, what would it be?
"You are not MY attacker and I am not YOUR victim. We do not belong to one another."
What do you remember most from the incident?
I mean, not one part is bigger than another but doing the rape kit was another rape in itself. They're looking for evidence of wounds that run deeper than scrapes, abrasions and bruising to the cervix. When you hear those terms, it's so hard to grasp that they're talking about you. And it's a tricky thing because even though it's evident that sex happened, sex and rape can be so different. No one prepares you for that, for the feeling of something so common being so foreign at the same time.
What did your friends/family say when you told them you were putting up this piece?
Honestly, me and some of my very close friends talked about it and we went back and forth. They were really just anticipating what would happen and trying to prepare me for it and I love them for that. They know writing is a form of therapy for me but they're also very protective of my image, my life, everything so they don't play! They're just ready for me to do whatever I need to do because they support me and this process. They're there when I'm crying, laughing, stressing and I don't thank them enough but they make this blog happen. They make my world spin and as long as they're by my side, I'm not afraid of anything or anyone.
Final words?
The word phenomenal means: of or relating to a phenomenon. Extraordinary, outstanding, remarkable. That's what this journey is: nothing short of a miracle. Now go read Venus Genus!
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