The Reconstruction

It took a little while for me to say I love you
Words sprinkle through the air like the dust of cherry blossoms
Staining whoever's skin it lands on
It's a dangerous thing
To sow seeds and be absent when they sprout
It's a dangerous thing to lend a rib and not a heart
Into a body you've never touched and a mind you've never healed
What love is escapes even the most gentle hands and the most fragile leaves
Considering how intangible something sounds yet how tangible it feels
We are sick to our stomachs with feelings
With memories of cold words and a taste of warm nights
Sitting on our dancing tongues
Our firefly tongues
Our words lit up like dragons in storybooks
We blow smoke into each other's lungs and call it magic
I wish I knew better back then
I wish I knew who I was before I decided who I was going to be
My younger self had power and no direction
Love and no suitor worth loving
Shame and no self worth healing
I could have told my younger self that God was going to visit me
Put a few pauses in my life where I was going too fast
And I could have warned my younger self that sex was not a chore but a privilege indeed
I mean, there were hungry bears clawing their way through my self esteem
Vultures picking at the carcass of a woman who hadn't bloomed yet
There were things I could have told myself
But foresight is a dangerous thing and hindsight is never dangerous enough
I lived. I died. And then I lived again
Cherishing the moments that death was sitting on my shoulders beating the world right off
Whispering in my ear that this would easier
Closing my eyes would bring me comfort
Laying down would be bring me joy
And I considered it for much more time that I would like to admit
But death never brought me any joy, it never had any offerings worth silver and gold 
And it damn sure never brought me comfort in a wooden box
You will see your younger selves 
Wrapped in silks and smelling of jasmine
Your hair flowing like the tears of angels
And your fingernails growing like storms on the sea
You will see your younger selves and convince them of who they should be
Let yourself go
You then has a path to run to become the you now
I've apologized to my younger self
Convinced her that the smoke in her lungs saved her from the burning of her flesh
I wished her well, promised her that the damage wasn't that bad
And her enemies weren't that strong
I told her God would come to visit her and that death would not be comfortable but it would be necessary to rise again
I told my younger self that she had God in her and whenever he was to appear, she should take her cross, bleed on that cross, cry on that cross, die on that cross and rise again 
Because someone was going to come visit her and drag her out of the cold stones that surround her
Someone was going to come for her
Who I am now will rescue who I was then
That is the evolution of faith and the puberty of consciousness
I told my younger self I would waiting for her at the finish line