Whispers

"You hurt me to the core.  I don't think you even realize how much you hurt me. I don't understand how you hurt me and you're living your life here, there and everywhere.

-Mimi

my sentiments exactly.

Black

Maybe I could lie naked in your cheeks

Crushed by the pink flesh of you

If only all of my messages could be recorded and saved in your voice box

I would be the faint reflection of a woman waiting for a fairytale instead of writing one

about seven dwarfs plagued by the seven deadly sins who take the seventh day to rest only to find a sense of completion in the theory of sevens…

but there’s only one way to say FUCK YOU in a million ways, I guess

But lying naked in your cheeks

Surrendering to a wetness other than my own makes for a better story

Nobody remembers the martyrs anyhow

The villains get to have all the fun

and sainthood is a kosher dream never willing to rise simply because I’ve never seen a saint with cocoa skin or with hair of wool

Let’s face it, if you don’t have a mane like mother theresa, you don’t have angel hair

I don’t need an invitation for Heaven anyhow

I can hear the choir just fine when I’m sleeping in your arms

and I’ll be damned if I hear another white baby considered to be cherubim angels if we’re not gonna call these black babies queens like BIG MAMA CLEOPATRA

but what do I know?  I only gave birth to one and I have a million where that came from

I don’t mind sitting here between your sandpaper skin and resting on lips as thick as my thighs

ain’t nothing black about black love

ain’t nothing dark about it

ain’t nothing dark enough to make me afraid to fall asleep in it

I mean, what do I know though?

I remember being raped by black men and being afraid to bring them to white justice

How fucking dedicated am I to the black mankind even when the kindness escapes the man?

All I’m gonna do is sit here perched on a porch creaking like the voice of Maya Angelou looking at a sky painted with the visuals directed by Zora Neale Hurston and listen to Oprah narrate the story whites taught us not to read, but how to write

Excuse me, I’m getting too big for my britches now

I’m getting too wide for my Nile

I’m getting too smart for the language my people created

and I’m getting too black to matter

I am black, a combination of all things and since white is the absence of color, how come you’re so full of yourself when you were born lacking?

I’ll wait.

www.livingproverb.tumblr.com 

Listen

www.thestriversrow.tumblr.com

bitter

"instead of saying leave me alone, i would say, don't go."

Random Numbers...

1. Tell me about your ex


he's gone.  he was the thunder to my lightning.  considered marriage with him.  considered children for him. didn't plan on loving him.  don't plan on loving anyone like that again, not because i can't but simply because i won't.  some experiences are sacred, he was one of them.  my mouth can't even fix itself to utter an insulting word against him or kiss another in the same manner. i reminisce his existence.  i only hope he gives my heart to God as one last favor to me.

Random challenges...

18. quote that you live by


"live on purpose"

Powerful words

I would do anything...

Take me instead...

isn't that LOVE?

Just asking...

Do you still love me?


Your abandonment of me makes it hard to tell and torturing to know.

The Sweetest Words

So I had the honor of being featured on a very cool website.  I was in shock!  I read a lot of blogs and I know I really haven't updated my VISIT page with the ones I love so you could visit too.  Bear with me.  But it's a surreal feeling to see myself in a space someone else made for me.  It's breathtaking.  In short, thank you Rell, from the bottom of my little beating heart.


VISIT!


Also, be careful what pictures you put up on the internet.  Lol now I'm out here exposed in a head tie! :)

Speak your piece/peace, I'm listening

I love this quote "You, the readers, the listeners, the admirers, the fans, the visitors, give artists the very breath it takes to make smoke out of love." I truly know what it is your talking about....that time you must take to find yourself even if its for the second or third time. Welcome back - written by Theory Republic on Five Months Coming


Thank you for welcoming me back! There is so much time we must take for ourselves to present quality works of art. To dig deep enough into your soul to shake someone else's takes time, patience and solitude.  It's often a lonely and critical journey we must endure as artists. I'm actually on hiatus right now primarily communicating through just writing.  Even my best friends have to take a seat because I simply don't have enough for them, the readers, my family and even the other things I want.  Yet and still, I hope to come back with a greater appreciation for life by simply reflecting on it.  Thanks for relating to me on this one!

Speak your piece/peace, I'm listening

thank you. I just so happen to stumble upon your blog. I've just struck the female thinkers blog pot of gold! I know Ill be a frequent visitor - written by AdDy on To my Friends With Estrogen


Thank you soooooooooo much!  I'm glad you've enjoyed this little trinket of mine.  The female thought process is so unique and I'm glad we're all tuned in.  Come again! 

Heads up...

I especially don't take advice when I don't ask for it.


When you realize how powerful words, you'll stop letting JUST anybody talk to you.  Sometimes we have to realize that no matter how much we love a person, we can't love them into being intelligent, into being wise, into being self reflective.  They are who they are and it is a choice as to whether or not we'll accept it.


It's funny, I'm not the type to lead my friends down the wrong path at all.  Besides thinking that's a lame quality, I get nothing from making you look bad.  If you look bad or crazy, I'm going to tell you.  It's not just because I don't like it, it's sincerely because you look bad or crazy.  As your friend, I know your potential because I've seen you at your best and worst.  If you're at your worst, then hey, I'm going to inform you of such.  It is never to be malicious but rather inspiring.  Get it together.  Do your hair, get your face together, wear clothes that fit.  Don't do it to impress me or anyone else, but rather create the very standard you wish to attract.  There are plenty of things that I don't necessarily like, but look really good.  Now I know that I care about how I look 98% of the time naturally.  I may look young, plain or simple but usually always flattering.  (We all have wtf moments but everything in moderation folks) You never know who you'll meet. Iron your clothes, do something, just make an effort to LOOK GOOD.


As far as your decisions, I rarely give advice.  I think everyone needs to make certain decisions to reach their own maturity.  I will tell you the perception of it and the consequences of such behavior but do you boo boo.  I'll be here either way.  


Simply put, everybody ain't hating.  You really might look dumb.

Speak your piece/peace, I'm listening...

This is the poem that will take your writing to the next level. WOW!!!!!! The sincerity I felt the wisdom in the words and the intentional meaning blew me away. You know of all I am a big fan but also hard to impress let alone blow away but you hit the nail directly on the head with this one. I would put this poem up there with Mother to Son...TASS I am proud to know you and even more bless to know your mini me. Knowing that I may have affected you and her in some way is mind boggling but a great feeling - written by Q. on I Had to Teach My Daughter...

Thank you my loooooooooooooove. Most people don't know I took my daughter to work, to class, everywhere.  They also forget when I had to live without her. It easy to say I shelter her or I'm too overprotective but few people remember when no one wanted her, when everybody said I would fail.  Few people were even there to notice the depression and the guilt I faced.  It was because of the few people that helped me that she's gotten this far, people like you.  In fact, you had to teach me who God was all over again because I was so lost.  I didn't grow up with soldiers ready to fight for me and even now I have barely a handful so I'm grateful, not just for having them (you) but for also teaching me how to be that for her.  That little girl has no idea how blessed her journey is.  I will be many things to her, I will have to know her potential and still be realistic.  I will have to be her mother under fire, criticism, loneliness, struggle and hypocrisy but she is so worth it.  So thank you for being proud of me.  It reassures me that everything on my path was meant for me, including you.  I love you.

Speak your piece/peace, I'm listening

I feel like I am in the midst of my own 4 months, I'm more than ready to come out to the other side. Thank you for this - Anonymous on Five Months Coming...

You are so welcome.  You are not alone and you will get through this.  It's hard to believe that when even your bones are angry but they're also fortifying.  Breathe.  Remove yourself.  Assess.  Heal and keep healing.  Wishing you peace on your journey. 

Leaving petals for the Funeral

easily one of my favorite songs.


"Farewell for now, till then."

Together Forever

Ms. Jennah Bell
www.thestriversrow.tumblr.com

The Promenade

These were not taken with my iPhone.  However, I told him where to point and click.  I decided to go to lunch sans my cellular apparatus so I had to settle for blackberry pics.  But this was the best lunch date ever!  It was simple - ice cream and a walk in the sweltering heat, which brings me to my next point.  Why are y'all dealing with men that don't put in any work!?!?  Now, I can rant and rave about bad men with the best of em but in my PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, men have put in work with me. From my guy friends to the ones I was willing to marry.  We might fight, we might get on each other's nerves but with all due respect, the gentlemen in my past have put forth an effort.  Round of applause for them.

I'll be damned if I'm giving my all to someone offering the bare minimum. NO. STOP IT.  YOU ARE WHAT YOU ULTIMATELY ACCEPT.  Stop bending over backwards for someone who won't stand up at attention for you!  Keep in mind, once love is involved, all bets are off. I'm not talking to y'all.  But if the beginning isn't the best, then the worst is yet to come.    I'm not always going to be available and I'm not always going to be willing.  You can be a great man, but if you are not doing great things then I guess I'll just never know.  My kindness is sacred.  My intimacy is precious.  My mind is priceless.  A few text messages and a few bite marks ain't worth all that.  Sometimes lying on your back means you're in your grave.  Not all the time, but sometimes.  Chill out, look in the mirror, see if you're beautiful and let him take a chance to realize and acknowledge that.

Just because you don't want to play the game doesn't mean you're f.cking the game up.  Even in chess, you have to get to the queen.  Conquer something to acquire me!  I promise, once you do, an entire kingdom awaits.

The Conquering

I love the book Eleven Minutes by Paolo Coelho.  It taught me so much about myself and the relationships I was enduring.  I'm not going to ruin the book for you but I do believe that before anyone enters a relationship, they should read this book.  


"Knowing that your body would never be mine alone, I had to concentrate on conquering your soul."


I'm finally finding peace in loving you while sitting still.  I could have sexed you into marriage, into commitment, into something that felt real.  But eventually the throbbing stops, the sweat slows down and kisses feel like regular hands holding each other.  Sex was the crash.  The love making was the healing.  And I heard that it's going to hurt until it's healed.  So leave me here in this pain.  Bang into my bones with your silence. Keep the red sea between us. I'm tired of drowning into you, I'm tired of giving you the love your mother was too bitter to sculpt.  If I learn that unconditional love requires patience and is buried in the concept that you do not belong to me, then I will take this hiatus with nothing but courage.  Mark my dog tags with the note that I loved you more than anybody walking this planet.  I have conquered the soul.  I have neglected the body.  I didn't fall victim to the flesh, to the scent of your skin to the shape of your eyes.  I love them all but I do not lust after them and it is because of that simple fact that you are a blessed man.  Rich with the spirit of a quiet woman, a virtuous queen. 


It is not my love that will win the battle.  Love is the war. 

Sexiest Things I've Heard

You and I are not in vain.


Anything can be fixed.


I need you NOT to run.


Baby, settle in and link me.  (I always wonder if he was asking me to settle into his soul and link myself to him when I was good and ready)


Our love is organic.


Let a good thing be good.


Say 'Thank you."


Tassika.

Lazy Love

Because sometimes my love is explicit.  Dirty, raunchy, hungry and irresponsible.  Am I to blame?  Your brown eyes make a liar out of me.  I keep saying I'm done until I recall our lovemaking while I sit at my desk, moving like a robot but feeling like anything but.


God, I miss him.  

All You Need is One?

As an adult, I've loved one good time and I think I'm ok with living my life having done that one time only.

You & I Are Not In Vain

“You and I are not in vain”

I slowly unwound myself from the strings of him and tied whatever was  left into a bundle for this gentleman before me

Had this been a proposal? 

The foreshadowing to some motherf.cking sunshine?

Three months earlier, I found myself drunk loving the sexiest mouth I had ever seen

Sobering up had taken longer than I expected

In and out of rehab trying to hold myself over with hits of him

My veins had even been tired from injecting myself with hope I found in pay phones on deserted street corners

I felt like I was never going to love again 

Like I had mysteriously forgotten the own language of my tongue

Like I kept opening my fridge with not enough contents to make a meal but it kept me happy enough to know that if I had one I could store it there

I wanted to tell him that his shadow hovered over me at night

That the memory of him was indeed a living thing

Breathing loudly in my most private moments

I almost called the new man his name

In my apology, I promised to take his pain if he took mine

It would have been amazing to see him carry a burden as heavy as you

To see how much he loved me from scratch

But when he said that “You and I are not in vain,” I thought back 

To the historic love that I would have said the same thing for

And I wondered if my grandmother was right

If my heart could love someone purely for loving me first

I wanted to know how selfless I could be 

Looking into a man’s eyes with another one in my heart

I traveled to Egypt in my mind to sit at the base of the pyramids and scream your name into the bricks just to see if you bounced back into me

The sun mocked my innocence

And the cherry blossoms bloomed in your absence

Springtime arrived at our funeral while winter sat back in a bitter daze

Every time he says that him and I are not in vain, I think of you and how much vain has cost me

How much time has lost me

And how much you avoid me to make it easier to stop loving me 

You are like an oil spill in my bathroom

It’s a slippery slope but it feels good laying down

Me loving you is offensive and him loving me is pathetic

Broken women are not to be handled but sent back to their maker to obtain some kind of warranty

Some kind of insurance that the product that has been put into the world is damaged and all sales are final

No reimbursement for the water I made for you

I built a river on top of you

And to think...never bring a man to water he can’t swim in 

Him and I are not in vain at all

For he who breaks a girl is not stronger than the man who rebuilds a woman.

Keep it quiet

Don't explain our relationship to anyone.  The moments we share are sacred and should be treated as such.  I feel that way towards my friends or my man.

Support

Hey y’all! It’s about that time where we need to have a good conversation. There was a big rant yesterday pon di twitter and I think it’s very worthy of being documented just in case you missed out or you forget one day. I make it a point to thank you all as much and as sincerely as I can. Without you, there is no me. It is such a humbling honor that you take time out of your day to participate in my dreams. Whether you read one post of mine or 100 of them, the fact that you took a minute out of your life to read something I wrote makes me forever indebted to you. I appreciate you and I appreciate your efforts in helping me build my brand, achieve my dream and supporting me throughout because at the end of the day, you don’t have to. It is not a requirement for you to be here. I hate to be cliché but you could be anywhere in the world, but you’re here with me! I love y’all for that.

Outside of writing, I’m not a person to address “haters” for several reasons. 1. I can’t really believe they exist and 2. If they do exist, I know already that I don’t like them so there’s no point in paying them any mind. It is clear to me that we’re not on the same level if you would rather talk negatively about what someone is doing than do something worthy of being talked about in a positive light. But following a fellow artist and friend of mine @isweariainthit, “haters” really do exist!

First, let me describe my caliber of friends/people in similar circles. To be simple, they are either into the arts, entertainment, clothing, and other like industries.
@GianniLee, founder of Babylon Cartel.
@IswearIainthit hosting, writing, performing – something like a hilarious renaissance man. @IJaySanchez, founder of IJayApparel
@Tiffthomp – Co-founder of Two Countries, One Cause
@GenishaMone – founder of Cool Kids
@ViralStatus an amazing site with a plethora of features in all different genres
@ConcreteCakes – a beautiful website dedicated to the upcoming leaders in business, the arts, and entertainment
@_daveybaby writer of all things honest, relevant and relatable
@Ms_she writer and kitchen beautician dedicated to writing about the things that make us feel ugly and what will make us beautiful.

Those are just a FEW off the top of my head that are making dents in their industries. These are just a FEW of the people whose careers I follow, who inspire me and will likely see me at their events showing support.

Speaking for myself, having a dream that requires people to know me, like me and relate to me is HARD! I wasn’t born into money, I didn’t have a trail to follow, everything you see before you is self made. My mother gave me my name but it was my job to make it worth something. There are days when I want to chill in the house or go to the city and not bump into people I know but people are out there doing positive things that I want to support, that I should support. Why? Because support is a cycle. If we don’t support one another, who will? If I can party with you, why can’t I support your business? If I can follow you on twitter for every funny tweet, why can’t I pay attention to the positive ones? It cost me nothing to retweet a link to your website, to listen to your mixtape, to write a post about your event. I know what it’s like to dream about something and want others to believe in that dream with you. I can’t be successful unless you believe it too. And you can’t be successful until you get others to believe it as well.

That being said, our work and our lives are intertwined. Some of us barely have a personal life. Why? Because we have to be who we say we are and the best way to do that is to show it. How can I write about relationships if my carfax was blank? How can I write about the downfall of being mixxy if you’ve never seen me at an event? How can I relate to you about motherhood if I’ve never had a baby? How can I talk about healing broken women if I’ve never discussed being heartbroken. Our followers (and that’s not a degrading term AT ALL) know almost everything. You know where we’ll be, you know who we’re dealing with, you know what upcoming projects we have, you know our teams, everything. We have given ourselves to you hoping that we can impact your lives with whatever it is that we do. How can anyone hate on that? We party with you, we make videos to make you laugh, we write about the things you’re going through, we make clothes for you and you’re mad at that? Tell me when was the last time that Hov invited you to his house for drinks and laughed with you? Tell me if Diddy ever asked you to come to his birthday party and have a drink with him. Everything you enjoy about us, whether it be a party, a happy hour, a launch, a blog, a website, a v-neck, a charity event, a BBQ, a song, a video, a show, it all TOOK WORK! By the time all of those things take place, we’ve been working on the one coming up next. While you’re knocked out because you had such a good time, we’re cleaning up, paying vendors, hotel rooms, licenses, doing research, etc. We don’t sleep. And when you decide that you’re not going to go out one weekend and you’re chilling on your couch, our phones are GOING CRAZY because people want to know how come we’re not there. There is no rest for the people who are following their dreams. We support because we know the need for support.

Before you hate on someone following their dream, just consider for a moment what your own dreams are. How does tearing them down build you up? There’s more than enough room at the top for us all so move over. Not everyone is going to be the FACE of a movement, that doesn’t make them any more important than you. We’re just playing different positions. Stop being a soldier without a cause. If you want to work the 9-5, I respect that because I can’t stand it and I don’t think I can do it for much longer. If you want to work a government job, I respect it because that’s just not who I am. But are you really going to hate someone for wanting something different? Realize that we’re the next generation of Beyonces, Hovs, Oprahs, Baracks, Serenas, Denzels, Toni Morrisons, etc. We’re up next. Don’t end up as one of those people on the blogs posting negative comments about people doing great things because if you haven’t realized, they’re at the bottom (of the page) for a reason.

The cycle of it all

You changed when he hurt you.  He changed to hurt you.  Get it?

Blasphemy?

Get More: Meek Mill, Amen featuring Drake, Music, More Music Videos

I just love this. So!?

True statements.

and I've made CUTS!

I just have to know who I'm dealing with.

It took me a long time to be ok with this part of myself.

I've been known to lick my wounds in secret.
However, if I do attack, I don't lose.

Explains why someone called me emotionless!

Half Truths are Entire Lies

But really though, half the things I hear about myself couldn't be further from the truth.

Part of me likes it that way, makes me feel like my secrets are still secrets.

Healing

Some texts change your life.  Some men change your mind.

New Additions.

I added a photography tab!  I used to have pictures of people I love, but I neglected my journey.  Where I've been is equally as important as who joined me.  Take a look! 

Busy as a non-stinging bee...

I haven't blogged this year.  Oops.  Excuse me while I catch up!


But I was busy ...see??

Got back into painting my canvas...

Humbled yourself more...which I did.

I started laughing again.

Went back to my first love & didn't feel guilty about it.

Once I started laughing again, I couldn't stop apparently.

I ain't go to the club, partied on the couch!

Gave out birthday kisses to my angels...

I reapplied.  For a few things.

I let someone else tell my story for a change...

Goosebumps

"ELEVATE THE MOTHERF.CKING GAME"
"We got an obvious attraction, baby don't be scared."
"I don't wanna do no harm.  Stop playing hard to get"





"I get chills, goosebumps, that's how I know love is real, the goosebumps."


I'm in love with this mixtape, like really in love.  A gift woven in music tapestry.  Every instrument tells a secret and by the time you get to the end of the song, it's a message only for you to keep.  Thanks @ms_she for putting me on!

Can't stop listening to this...

"I am not Jody, you are not no Yvette."


"I never smoke, stress or wanna f.ck with my ex"

Tell Her Part 2

Because a reader asked me to finish this story for her...Part 1...

Sometimes, this is what 22 looks like, from her eyes to yours.

I walked into my own apartment like a stranger.  I hadn't been there for weeks.  Somehow love justified paying rent for living in someone's else head.  Pictures of my former self hung on the walls and I missed that girl that I no longer recognized greatly.  The sweltering heat hugged me tightly and as I squeezed through my boxes of memories in my hallway, a protective hand covered my womb.  I remembered instantly that I was still pregnant.  I groaned wishing that guttural sound would scare the baby enough to disappear.  And then a sudden craving for crab legs hit me and none of my whining was going to help.

My phone vibrated in my purse.  I groaned again.  

Who could this be?  Tears began to well up in my eyes before I could even read the name on my screen.  i just didn't want to be bothered.  I felt alone but I wasn't really alone because I had more company than I needed in my belly.

Uh. Mason, stop calling me.

His phone call had to be denied.  There was nothing he could say to me, nothing that I didn't already know.  I wanted to tell him that he was better off without me but I was afraid that if I spoke to him, I would tell him my secret, well, our secret.  He was my best friend and even though I thought we spoke about everything, he never told me about her and I wasn't planning on telling him about this, this being the little boy I just knew I was carrying.  

As I walked into my room, my bed looked like heaven, still immaculately made from weeks ago.  I tried to decide if it was a better decision than those crab legs.  I looked down at my belly already annoyed.

Just like your father, you are requiring me to leave my comfort zone.  Lucky for you, as your mother, I have unconditional love.  Whatever I have with your father is purely circumstantial.

I shook my head.  This poor baby had no idea what I was talking about.  

Phone vibrates again.

Now he wants to talk.  

"Yes Mason."

"Yo where are you, why would you leave my house this late at night?"

"Mason, while you were banging on my car window as I drove off, I realized that safest place I could be was away from you.  Please go back to bed or go to Kerry's bed, that's her name right?  Yes Kerry and have a good night.  I'm ok."

"Lauren, don't play with me.  Where are you? I'll come to you."

"Good night Mason."  End call.

A little guilt began to rise up in my chest.  

Maybe that was rude.  Nope, sleeping with someone else is rude.  

I began to undress my guilt in my hot house.  Finally down to my bra and panties, I caught a glimpse of my growing abdomen in the mirror.  I was losing my figure and my mind quickly.  

Alright, little one, no crab legs for you.  Let's see if we have some snacks though.  Giving a man everything he wanted got me you so let's work on compromise.  I ravaged through my kitchen humming "Why Does It Hurt So Bad?" by Whitney Houston.

My name bellowed through the dark street like a storm landscaping it's next victim.  I ran to my window to see him standing there with a look on his face I had never seen before.  I contemplated for a total of fifteen seconds before I decided that I would open the door.

It wasn't in my nature to leave him anywhere, even while knowing he had left me for her.  For the first time, I realized the struggle of so many women.  It was hard to leave your boyfriend, but it felt impossible to leave the father of your child.  

I opened the door and wept.