oh no he didn't.

i have trouble with being vulnerable.  blame it on being a leo.  what lion do you know is ok with being afraid?  what lion has time to feel weak when he's too busy being strong to protect those around him?  well that's me.  i don't do vulnerable well.  most things i say come off as harsh.  it's not what i'm saying, it's how i say it, which is a big reason i write.  because my voice doesn't translate 95% of my emotions correctly, you can read what i write and decide for yourself.  anyway, this harsh tone that i carry is a lot to handle for some people.  some tend to take it personal like i'm always attacking them.  if you know anything about a leo, we don't attack, we respond and if you know me, i don't start sh.t, i just finish it.  but when you're dealing with a new person, it's like navigating a maze.  everything has to be deciphered and explained which is just a fancy way of saying 'everything is a f.cking argument.'  

now i've come to realize that people can't always dismiss my harsh tone.  but what i have not come to terms with is people who also have harsh tones pulling the 'you're always picking on me t.' seriously.  just because i can handle your harsh tone doesn't make it right, especially if my harsh tone is considered wrong. granted 98% of things don't bother me but that doesn't mean it's ok for you to do.  

anyway, there was a point to all this.  i said something that had vulnerable written all over it.  and i wasn't looking for a particular response but i was looking for a response, partly because if you ask for something and i give it to you, acknowledge it.  needless to say, i didn't get a response and i was pissed and i'm almost NEVER pissed.  originally i was pissed because in twelve hours, i know there was 30 seconds to acknowledge my comment.  but that wasn't even where my emotions started to turn into rage.  i was in the middle of saying, 'when i'm 'hostile,' you respond defensively and then when i'm vulnerable, you don't respond at all.' and then i got CUT OFF, CUT OFF LIKE AN EXPEDITION GETTING CUT OFF BY A MINI COOPER. STRAIGHT MIND BOGGLING.  in the midst of hearing how busy their day was and how they didn't get a chance to really give my statement their full attention, i sat there wondering why they couldn't even say 'ok' when they got the message to which they responded that NOTHING THEY EVER DO IS RIGHT IN MY EYES.  

i felt knots in my stomach.  as much praise and adoration as i express, to even hear that NOTHING they do is right in my eyes felt like a damn slap.  this cannot be coming from them of all people. they can't say that, not without lying at least.  but i sat there, letting them finish their description of the ALWAYS DISAPPOINTED version of myself.  i finally said, 'you didn't even hear what i had to say.'

"You have nothing left to say..."

and that's when the tears welled up in my eyes and the knots tied tighter in my stomach.  all i wanted to say was, 'when i show vulnerability and i don't get a response, i put it on my 'things to never do again' list and i don't want that for us so if that's what you want, that's how it works in my mind.'  i did not have the conversation to question time management or how busy the day was or to accuse anyone of blatantly ignoring me.  i just wanted to say, i'll give you what you want but only if you're willing to accept it but apparently i had nothing left to say.  

i'm more submissive than they give me credit for.