Being Someone to Love

I don't want to write tonight.  I can't even comprehend the fact that I'm sitting here instead of laying down somewhere.  But I guess I just have to speak on some things.


I think love changes you.  One minute you can be this nonchalant person who rarely gets mad and the next thing you know, you're anxious waiting for a sign that someone still cares about you.  You can wake up and be unrecognizable.  Sometimes a person can change who you are and your entire being has to adjust itself to loving someone else.  Some people will tell you that you shouldn't change for anyone else.  Ultimately, you should change for yourself, but I'd be lying if I told you that some people will come into your life and inspire you to begin that transformation.  Change is necessary.  A human that doesn't evolve should have stayed a monkey honestly.  Become better, want more, love immensely.


It is only recently that I realized my love at 19 years old is a memorable force but it is not a formidable contender to my love now.  I have personal goals to become a better person, woman, mother, friend and lover.  It is up to me to decide to fulfill my potential and thank God for placing people in my life that test those basics in order to help me realize that a few need to be upgraded and updated.  


I love hard and who doesn't?  But how many of us are learning to love for the long haul?  How many of us are learning to love wiser?  Love deeper than the world can understand?  How many of us are learning to love even the darkest parts of ourselves to understand and empathize with the darkness in others?  I am finally learning to love someone who is imperfect and it is only because I am accepting that having my own flaws doesn't mean that I have to settle with having them.  I can work on them, I can forgive myself, I can look in the mirror and still find beauty in my imperfections and if I can do that, then it is a little easier to understand and believe that someone else can do the same.


When the world offers you a new definition of love, it can be traumatic.  It can be shocking, especially when you've been loving one way for so long.  You almost feel dumb, wondering if you got it wrong the first time, which may or may not be true depending on your situation.  However different is not another word for better than or less than.  Some loves just feel different. Different space and time, different circumstances, a different you.  But as I come into my own, it's uncomfortable.  There are so many changes, so many kinks to be worked out and every morning I wonder if I'm doing it right.  But at the end of the day, I'm proud of myself for never settling on a basic version. If I've done something I set out to do on my quest to be a better person, I am happy.  In the end, that's what it's all about, being happy and once that's achieved, you want to share that with someone else.  Since I've been working on being happy, I find myself more inclined to make someone else happy.  Perhaps love doesn't change, maybe we do.