Single Friends...

Just some inspiration..

The Journey!

Beauty

But Ms. Jill Scott is stunning....

Mr. President

Our President has a sense of humor.  I like that.

The Cruz Theory

I believe in dialogue. I value the tough conversations. I believe in breaking things/people apart to find out what put them together in the first place.  You want a difficult conversation? I went to school and majored in tough conversations. That's my thing. 

I think the human race doesn't have enough of them and in our efforts to function, we often forget to maintain.  We forget to go to the basics. We spend so much time trying to move forward or convincing ourselves that right where we are isn't too bad that we forget to GO BACK AND ANALYZE. This is the theory of sankofa which literally means "go back and get it." Go back and get what makes you, you. 

I say all that to say, this weekend was full of active, life changing, wall shaking dialogue. The kind of dialogue that causes you to look in the scariest place for answers - the mirror. Are you doing enough? Why is your success small when your dreams are so big? Are the things you want congruent to the things you need? Are the people around you your icons or just "yes men?"  Are you placing yourself in an environment to not only sustain but excel? 

I find that as of late, I've been badgering myself with these questions. If I fall asleep unexpectedly I'll get upset at the work I didn't accomplish but then I remind myself that my body is my most important project and one night of sleep might be more beneficial that I appreciate. It has also become quite apparent that what attracts me to other people has changed. Though I've always admired what I call "The Brilliant Mind," I can honestly say I've avoided falling in love with many that were born with that blessing.  If there are 100 men with brilliant minds, I know about 70 of them legitimately. Ironically by the grace of God and good genes, they are most often physically attractive as well. : fans self : BUT I always put them in the friend zone (at least emotionally anyway).  I make the male population of brilliant minds my friends, my peers, my business partners/advisors.   And trust me that's a great thing to have but considering I want to share my life with someone like that, why have I been so closed off to loving that brilliant mind in more than a platonic fashion? Why out of 70 brilliant men have I only taken the time and energy to fall in love with 1? I'll tell you why.  

BECAUSE I'M A BYSTANDER IN MY OWN LOVE LIFE.

Read that three more times. I am a bystander in my own love life. In fact, one man who I love more than pie despite NOT having the brilliant mind gene, when we split, it wasn't the broken heart that had me in tears. I was more agitated and hurt that I had compromised my own brilliant mind for that relationship. I compromised my needs for my desires.  I loved him for the man he was but I fought him for not being the kind of man that I actually need. Our minds were not aligned even though we had moved heaven and earth to try. I spent two years loving everything else besides what I needed most - his mind. Please don't get me wrong about the brilliant mind gene. It's not that he wasn't brilliant because he is but the brilliance in my theory rests more on the activation of it.  The brilliant mind is a compassionate one, an artistic one, a vulnerable one, a visionary, a person who decides to make everything around them just a little bit better. For me, a brilliant mind is God like with its mercy on mankind. And for me to acknowledge that is also the acknowledgment that maybe I've passed up sooooo many gentlemen with this gift because I have feared taking responsibility for my own. If I never said another word about changing the world or having and impact on people everyday, the ex with the not so brilliant mind wouldn't even notice. If I had a nine to five and did nothing more or less, he would be okay with that. I can't fault him for that because those nine to fivers make the world turn. They are responsible for maintaining the "ordinary" so that extraordinary can exist. But I don't want to make the world turn, I want to make it shake and I want a man who is not afraid of my earthquakes of excellence. 

Now, watch how this brings me to my next point. My homegirl who falls under the Brilliant Mind category and who is also a humanities/social sciences veteran (damn right!!) said something that changed me and HEALED me in a room of fifteen other people.

"STOP WASTING TIME ON THE THINGS YOU ARE NOT GOOD AT.  STOP WASTING TIME ON THINGS THAT WILL NEVER WORK." 

Stop the muh'f.ckin presses. Everybody put your twitter, your Instagram, your f.cking MySpace away.  Something real has been said. Gospel has been spoken.  The Holy Spirit has decided to join us.  I looked around the room and asked her to repeat it. Everybody had to shut up. 

"STOP WASTING TIME ON THE THINGS YOU ARE NOT GOOD AT.  STOP WASTING TIME ON THINGS THAT WILL NEVER WORK." 

The Cruz Theory as I like to call that goes against the cliche theory that instructs us to appreciate our strengths but work on our weaknesses. What the f.ck for? I will never be good at boiling eggs. Don't laugh. It doesn't matter what or when I try to make them, I f.ck it up somehow. I either forget that I'm boiling them so I over cook them or I'm so impatient that I take them out before the yolk hardens. I'm nearly into my third decade of life. If I don't just scramble them sh.ts and keep it moving...

Anyway...I will never be good at loving a man without a brilliant mind. My identity simply isn't built like that and unfortunately we don't get credit for wasting time. You can have 100 credits at Temple university but if your major calls for 121, you're not a Temple university graduate. PERIOD.  There is no reward without an outcome. Do I still love him? Of course. But that's not a good enough reason to waste precious moments he could be spending with a nine to fiver he relates to.  I wasn't good at being his partner and I probably never will be. So instead of attempting to strengthen that weakness to a level of mediocrity (at best), why not challenge myself to love a man of equal stature? Why not provoke opportunities of being my best self by being with someone who requires that of me? Why not hold myself accountable for the responsibility of loving a brilliant mind instead of just admiring one? Why don't I just stop wasting time at something or being someone I'm simply not good at? It doesn't make me a lesser woman if when I prioritize my strengths and my weaknesses, I choose to focus on the strengths. 

So in terms of the Cruz theory, I leave you with this.  If you judge a fish on his ability to climb a tree, you'll never consider him a genius. Why be ok with something or someone when you can be the best at something else or with someone else?

If you constantly focus on your weaknesses, aren't your strengths weakened?

Message!

Last Known Address

does your girlfriend know you live here?

Monday's Rain

"Do not go with her."

That's what I wanted to say.  I wanted to stand in the rain and debate why conquering her was not the same thing as loving her.

You still love me.  I saw it in when you locked eyes with me, inches away from my face.  I wanted to be petty.  I wanted to scream that I was prettier than her.  I wanted to put my hand on your chest and command your heart to beat for me.  

"Take me instead." 

That's what I wanted to say.  I wanted to bleed out my forfeit on the dark sidewalk.  I wanted the rain to drown out our conversation.  I wanted to move the mountain of your ashes off my chest and dust you into the corners of my memory.  

How could a ghost be so handsome?  Every time I look at you, I see tornados in your flesh, natural disasters in the creases of your hands.  I see tsunamis in the whites of your eyes.

You kill me every time.  Every time I get back on my two feet and breathe air into my lungs, you kill me.  I want to know why I keep forgiving you for that, especially when you haven't attended any of my funerals.  

How much prayer keeps the devil out?

So I stood there and stared back at you, memorizing the face I had tried so hard to forget.  Still I had never seen a fallen angel as handsome as you.

You died with him.  I buried you.  And your ghost visits me more than his.  You don't pay rent here.  There is nothing here for you.  There is no one here for you.  And she cannot love you because that's not her destiny.  It was mine and though I walked away from my own fate makes me no less an owner of it.  

Love does not change.  We do.

Kisses...

There may be dark things here but there's light in my soul.  Never confuse a popular topic for a popular personality.

Hi Christie!

Another Feature!!!

Recently, I was invited to write an article for CLE MAGAZINE and I had a great time doing it!!!  Check it out here.  

Please enjoy and surf the site for more goodies!  Thank you for all the support!! I love y'all!

Her Voice...

Oh and Emeli Sande ...all I know about her is that she is brilliant.  And if she writes her songs, then she is my newest inspiration.  Enjoy

Featured!!

One of the most exciting days in my little writing career was my premiere on @ConcreteCakes.  Garron did such a phenomenal job.  I will never forget this day.  It's like seeing my name in lights for the 2nd most important thing in my life.  

Thank you Garron for loving the writer in me!

Just a few stills from the video.  Go google it!  =)

The Tragedy

I was supposed to break this year but my father taught me better than that.

I have changed and I have no desire to disclose in what ways to anyone who is not allowed or unable to see the difference.

My intuition for the last year has stepped in to guide me and I'm finally listening.  I'm starting to feel like my ancestors are hanging out in my head reminding me that my bloodline does not consist of weak minds nor mediocre behavior.  

I spent the year completing mandatory tasks and no, I do not want praise for that.  I want more of that.  I want more purpose, more responsibility because then I can limit myself to cohabiting with people of that nature only.  I can promise myself to love the responsible men, the classy women and their beautiful babies.

Though I can understand, sympathize and empathize with those who are NOT like that, it is to be understood that emotionally we are not the same species.  We do not drink from the same watering hole and they do not grow the necessary fruits to nourish me.  I can stop feeling sorry for not being so nice and start feeling good about being genuine.  

It is nice to be nice to others but I would rather be an example that loving one's self is the first example of how to love others.

Trust no one that trusts everyone.  Smiles are free, but they should not be guaranteed.  We are who we love and if we let everyone into this tiny space we call a soul, then we are only filled of favors instead of substance.

Some things are sacred, of those things is YOU.

The depth

Let's get one thing straight.  I am not bitter, I am not hurt, I am not a wounded bird unable to fly.  

I have been bitter, I have been hurt, I have been wounded.  That's my past.  And it has become all too clear that young women were not told of these dangers when they learned fairytales in the shadows of their night lights.  

This is not my diary.  

This is my salvation, my freedom, my testimony that women are not reflections of weaker men but rather mountains sometimes covered by dancing clouds.  All too often, I see women being doormats because not being loved by the right person often leaves us to seek being loved by just anyone.  

This writing is the decision to NOT be anyone's mattress anymore.
The decision to love unconditionally ONLY to men and women who work for it like a second job.
The decision to not only forgive ex-boyfriends but to forgive myself for not knowing how sometimes.
The decision to take responsibility for MY PART.  
The decision to open my legs only when my heart is open.
The decision to do better because I've done too much of the 'worse.'
The decision to surround myself with my own joy.
The decision to be thankful, but in order to be thankful for the healing, I have to admit that there are wounds here, there are scars here.
So yes, it may sound like I'm in pain.  That's the point, there is pain in this world and I want for you, more than anything, to know that through whatever pain you come across, you will get through it.  Someone has been through it before you.  Someone has survived.  Someone has lived through swollen eyes, a broken heart and an empty bed.  
Pain happens and we don't talk about it enough.
Too many of us are running around pretending to be happy, living a facade of ecstasy.  Stop pretending.  Stop being empty.  Stop accepting the temporary. 

Demand the unconditional. 

Require the permanent.  

Live for the better.

So, yes if it sounds like I'm still living through my own circus of pain, that's the point.  
I'm a writer.  I bring things to life and if you felt nothing when you came here, then I am no better than your false lovers, I am no better than the men who left you broken, I am no better than the women who have lied to you while resting on your chest.

If I didn't tell you the truth then you would forget that it exists.  This is not my story, this is OUR story.

Speak your piece/peace, I'm listening

I was trying to catch up and finally got to this post knowing within an instant that I wanted to read it but alas, I'm in a rush so I cannot. I accidentally scrolled to the bottom and read, "For he who breaks a girl is not stronger than the man who rebuilds a woman." Tell it!!!! I will be back to finish but I wanted to take a minute to say, that in a time where there are more people who watch backwards television than read books, I am glad there is you to lead us all back toward true words & fantastic writing. Not only do I believe in your talents, I believe in you. Keep up the good work :) - MP on You and I are Not In Vain

Thank you!!!  This comment means the world to me.  "True words and fantastic writing," is such a powerful statement that I can't believe you're talking to me.  Thank you for believing in me.  This post is so special to me.  It ties two moments together and it's definitely the bridge to the second book.  I'm not even done with the first one but this post reassures me that there's more.  Thank you for taking time out of your life to read about mine.  That's beautiful!

Speak your piece/peace, I'm listening...

Your Amazing...Love your writing and this blog. I was away for little but I'm back and ready to feed my mind - Styles4u on Heads Up...

Welcome back and thank you my love!  There's a lot of life here so let's feed that mind.  Oh, how we women tend to starve ourselves! Rest here. Get your nourishment here and then return to the world with a full mind and belly.  Love you.

Speak your piece/peace, I'm listening...

Heart wrenching. You're bold enough to say out loud what so many of us question. You are definitely not alone. - Anonymous on Where Are You God?

Heart wrenching is the perfect way to describe that post.  It took a lot out of me and I felt so many emotions at once, emotions that I was embarrassed and even ashamed to share.  However, this gift (the writing) is where God is, so I needed to ask right here.  And maybe i could have written this down on paper and kept it in a notebook to never see the light of day, but what could it do there.  That would be like burying a prayer.  I had to share it, I had to show it.  I had to get it out and connect because that's where I was feeling most alone.  And thank you for the reminder that I am not alone.  You will always be remembered for that.

Speak your piece/peace, I'm listening...

Has the spark changed since I was 20? My spark was no drama! He showed up, the butterflies fluttered down my arms in full view, my heart hammered in my chest, my toes curled, my back arched like a cat ready to pounce. He stroked my back, I purred contentedly. He held my hand as he drove and with all the buzz around us there were only the two of us. He would have given me the world but that would have made me unhappy. Instead, we walked along the ocean's edge at sundown. Earlier that day he drove for two hours so that I could have pancakes. I'm truly blessed. I got the spark, I got the nice guy. Thank God, I was too foolish to know, so, I enjoyed the ride. My fairytale, my reality. Thank you for the reminder - Anonymous on Looking for the Spark

Can I just tell you that I sat in the car for about ten minutes reading this to the very person who inspired this post?  Your story, your life is well written and I'm in awe of your journey and the fact that you even shared it with me & the rest of VirginFingertips.  My favorite line is "I was too foolish to know, so I enjoyed the ride." I've been trying to enjoy the ride for at least ten years now and you make me want to get it right.  I thank you.  I appreciate you.  And I am ever so grateful to the universe that you got your nice guy but more importantly that your nice guy got you! 

Speak your piece/peace...I'm listening

let me find out?? Tassy from one writer 2 another..u are beyond talented!! love ur work. Meet you at da top ma - Sean Brownlowe on You and I Are Not in Vain


Hi there!  Thank you soooooooo much.  I'm ecstatic that you enjoy your time here, especially on this post.  I fell in love with the title when someone said it to me and I like that it has that effect on other people.  Oh! Save me a seat at the top!  Much love!

Cherry Wine

Y'all know I love Amy. I love Nas.  And this right here is a symphony of that very love.