i appreciate when someone tells the WHOLE story. that means they're not afraid of their image, they're not afraid of being wrong, they're not afraid of admitting they've been deceived or did the deceiving. and maybe it's the writer in me, but the entire story is always bigger than the characters. now, some people think i write in an effort to purge myself of my feelings. but i'm starting to realize that it's quite the opposite. i write to feel, not forget. although forgetting is sometimes what happens, it's not my intention. the purpose of this writing is to admit to myself that things go wrong, that i am wrong sometimes, that i am right sometimes, that i still have questions and so forth. writing has never been the end all, be all. it's the beginning - the beginning to the rest of our lives. to tie it all together, when someone denies bits and pieces of a story, i wonder, is it to set themselves free or to hold someone hostage?
i'll be frank with you. some of my close friends have asked me, how can i put so much space between myself and someone i care about. well, people can be like fire. we need fire like we need people. but in all of our existence, we have had to maintain a safe distance from fire. we've had to contain it and use safe doses of it and we've also had to run from it. we've also had to admit that though we can understand fire, it can be completely unpredictable and any unpredictability can be dangerous.
i've been known to put space between myself and people because i tend to hit the brick wall. though it takes me quite some time to reach the wall, once i reach it, i just want to tear that motherf.cker down at ALL COSTS. but when i take a step back in that anger, i can see things more clearly, i can see all the angles, all the possibilities, i can see the worth or the lack thereof. besides, i was taught to never pick on the weak. and being strong with a sense of self is a gift and a curse. if you don't respond to the weak, it can look like you're avoiding confrontation, it can look like you don't care enough, it can look like you're scared. bullsh.t. at least for me. it's absolutely none of those things. if i do not respond, it's because the other person is incapable of listening and digesting information, is not worth the aggravation or the conversation has been had a few times before with no positive results. and we all know doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the formal definition of insanity.
now i believe in loyalty but it begins with loyalty of self FIRST. if you cannot be true to yourself, it's hard to be true to others. if you are not loyal to yourself, well then give it up. how you feel about others is ultimately the reflection of how you feel about yourself. i feel great about myself such that, i believe i am a beautiful, talented and loving person. i know these things to be true. but when someone does not know themselves, hasn't figured out who they are, that's a recipe for disaster. they will search for completion in others so desperately that their self worth, their self esteem and their integrity will be compromised. and though it is my job as a friend to be loyal, it is my job as (insert real name here) to be loyal to the woman i am and the reputation i've built, to associate myself with people of similar/higher standards. i cannot and will not lessen who i am while you find out who you're trying to be.
who some people want to be is not someone i want to be around and i have no fear in admitting that. everyone will not be my friend, everyone does not deserve a favor. so what if they smile? they might be laughing at you. though i believe in assuming that everyone knows everything, that doesn't mean you should open your big mouth. i believe in discretion. i like to walk into a room and know exactly who knows intimate things about me. if you ever lose count, you might not want to be in that room. i believe in leaving something to the imagination. i believe that sometimes saying nothing is saying just enough.
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