So he hasn't called me, what does that mean? Damn I can't get a text message just to say, "hello, are you still breathing baby?" (Don't you call the person you're sleeping with? Isn't that common courtesy?) What does that mean? Oooooh, he's probably with 'her.' Because him and I are only committed for moments at a time, which means when we're not together, maybe that's where she fills in the spaces (and vice versa). I can't help but wonder for all the times he isn't with me, he must be with her. Why can't I believe him when he says he was asleep, playing basketball or actually doing work (because that's what attracted me to him in the first place, he has a great work ethic, not to mention he's really f.ckin cute)? Because I'm insecure and I don't even know why. He hasn't even given me a reason to be except for the fact that we're not mutually exclusive which was a mutual agreement in the first damn place.
However, I do think that the lack of commitment sends me on a wild goose chase to find some dirt or to find some lie to save myself from the potential heartbreak. This gray area sh.t won't let me enjoy each day for it what it's worth instead of what it could be. I feel like I make up all of these indiscretions to shield myself from the truth - that I like him. I like him enough to get hurt and since nobody wants to get hurt, I am desperately searching for a reason to let go.
And let me not put all the blame on him either. I'm not looking for a relationship per se primarily because I am in a state of transition and though I like him today, I can't guarantee that for tomorrow. I might move or quit school or get hurt (God forbid), but what I'm trying to say is that in my shaky lifestyle it would be unfair to try and build something that needs concrete to last. So I nag myself to insomnia. I keep myself up at night in my bed alone wondering who's in his. I have the urge to go through his phone and read his text messages for some evidence that he likes her more than me which would be the perfect reason to spare myself the drama and dismiss him before I fall too deep.
But the difference between men and women (I've found) is that even if I'm not looking for a particular status, I am still open minded to it. I'm not so sure he thinks the same way. Like, even if he wasn't looking for a relationship, what if he found that he liked me a lot, would he at least entertain the idea? Probably not, at least it hasn't happened yet. Would he be ok with going separate ways without at least trying a relationship with me? If it doesn't work then, we can move on and say we had a good run but if it does, then we'd keep moving on to a place where we could only be happier. Ahh. Sometimes I just want reassurance. Sometimes, I want to be reminded of why we decided to take this adventure with one another. What's even more shameful is that pillowtalk and great sex are not reassuring enough.
So here we go on this merry go round, alluding to a future, never discussing the past and trying desperately to submerge ourselves in the moment so we don't have to explain anything past how good this feels for now.
This piece below wraps this relationship up in verses and rhymes. Scopio Blues makes a very good point. I need to relax. If it's meant to be, it will and if it's not, it won't. I just need to let nature do its work. Enjoy.
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