it gets good, keep up.

just like we decide to make it work, we also decide when we give up. we decide when we have come to terms with people and the role they play in our lives.

not every lover will love us back. and not every love will come back. but there are moments when we decide that it is time to move on. i told myself i would keep a journal of my emotions just to see my progress or lack thereof, in this thing we call relationships.

so far, no good.

half the time, i don't even know how to feel in order to transcribe it for anyone else to read, understand or even relate. i'm so busy trying to live that i find myself laying in bed with the story unfolding in my head yet unable to put any verses to paper.

and i promised i would tell myself the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

so far, no good.

it's easier to convince myself that i'm ok with losing than it is to know that i hate losing. i hate losing monopoly, i hate losing relationships and most importantly i hate losing my own f.cking mind.

i hate when my thoughts are run over by someone else as opposed to the current events in the world. the all star game. the superbowl. the blizzard of 2010. i missed it all.

i watch my life happen in different series of black and white film. no director, no pause, no credits. it just keeps going and going and the lead actor quit a long time ago. so it's really just me left, on a set, i don't recognize, knowing i'm going to be there for a while but refusing to get comfortable.

my house is empty yet filled with memories of everyone but me. i keep the walls bare just so i could write my thoughts down on something concrete. and if these walls could talk...hmph.

well, let's just say, this first book would have been IN STORES NOW.

but these walls don't talk and neither do i simply because i'm too afraid to speak heartbreak into being.

if i talk about all the things i miss, then the reality is that there is indeed something or someone to actually miss.

but if i keep my mouth shut, if everything comes back to me the way i want it to then i will be throughly surprised and blessed by the gods. and i say gods, because i would hate for there to be just one deciding on the most important decisions of my life. can't there be three so i can have a tie breaker or a second opinion when things don't go my way?

sh.t. that was blasphemous.

but we all serve different gods and they all have different requirements, none of which i am meeting apparently. i don't go to church, i curse like a sailor and please don't tell my mother i got another tattoo. but my heart is pure.

my love is unconditional. and when it comes to loving my neighbor, i love him way too much.

talk about the good samaritan. there is still no solace for going through hell on earth just to seek heaven in the end. i'm pissed NOW.

and eternity is looking like a far cry for a woman growing up in a misogynistic and homosexual world. i've done too much and yet i've done nothing at all.

sh.t that was ironic.

so tonight i'm going for

irony and blasphemy...

i can smell hell from here.