alma mater.

the bff and I sitting across from each other wearing the hoodies of prestigious universities. but one thing is apparent, the best of college happens outside the classroom. I can't remember half the classes I took, but I remember the guys I liked, the times I cried, every road trip, every blizzard and I remember every single time we laughed so hard we cried.

most important, the friends I made in college grew with me. We learned to love and we learned how not to. we witnessed the first black president, we had babies, we lost babies, we got high and we certainly felt low.

as we look frazzled from the weeks events, the truth is we will make it through this like we always do. i'm not sure how and i'm not sure when but moving on is what we do. it's the only way we can look back on the pain and laugh it off.

2009 was rough, but 2010 has a 50/50 chance of being better.

hey white girls.

everything's cuter in color.

especially me.

one mic. pretty please.

I really need Nas to come out with some poetic energy to think about. I need a good 16 bars over a basic beat to reveal some complicated things. If I had his number, I would text him my request. And I'd say, Happy Holidays, of course.

Oh and by the way Nas, the word "Queens" and "Nigger" can ironically be the same thing. Nefertiti, can you hear me? Cleopatra, where you at?

And of course, you would wear 'ropes and chains' over the people formerly known as "nigger."

Irony bleeds.

grandma's advice

"you have a lot of hate in you. let it out. you're broken. you have issues. you're ready to scream. you can't think straight. get them over with. then begin your life."

all destiny's child on him

come close, I have something to tell you: I sang cater to him, while I... catered to him. I'm what you call a talented woman. but he's what I call a stupid man. those are the breaks.

cut my hair. wink.

actually it's quite the contrary. I'm growing my hair out for the first time in about five years. now the question is, are you going to grow with me or not? Because I'm not afraid to cut my dead ends.

Alicia Keys' "The Element of Freedom"

When I first listened to the album, I was not enthused. As a fan, I felt like she strayed too far from what her fans loved about her in the first place. And yes, I know artists grow like us common folk do but it's like looking at an ex boyfriend. It's weird when lovers become strangers. I barely recognized her, it was an awkward hello. The writing was elementary, her voice was mediocre at best and the music felt so weak that I couldn't even envision her playing the piano like I usually do. But after a second listen, while I was trying to get my emotions in order, I heard things and felt things I didn't hear the first time.

Some Favorites.

love is blind - they don't know, there's nothing else I can do, too bad love is blind

try sleeping with a broken heart - have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart? well, you could try sleeping in my bed. anybody could've told you right from the start it's about to fall apart so rather than hold on to a broken dream, I'll just hold on to love. and I could find a way to make it, don't hold on too tight. I'll make it without you tonight

wait till you see my smile - some people, they call me crazy for falling in love with you. they can take me and lock me away baby, cuz there's nothing those bars can do. that's how strong my love is. (i think i fell in love with the melody)

unthinkable - moment of honesty, someone's gotta take the lead tonight, who's it gonna be? I'm gonna sit right here and tell you all that comes to me. If you have something to say, you should say it right now. I think I deserve it, it's becoming something that's impossible to ignore and I can't take it. I was wondering maybe could I make you my baby, if we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy? If you ask me, I'm ready. I know you once said to me, "this is exactly how it should feel when it's meant to be." time is only wasting so why wait for eventually? if we gon' do something about it, we should do it right now. I deserve it. [this is where I'm at in my life right now]

love is the disease - I try to act mature, but I'm a baby when you leave. I get a fever at just the thought of you leaving my side.

love is like the sea - (i like the arrangement, the beat and her voice in this one) love is like the sea, leaves you on your knees, then it pulls you in, then it takes you over! it can take away the very thing that you love the most.

distance and time - no matter how long it takes him, through distance and time, i'll be waiting.

this bed - don't wanna go through life every single night wishing we could do it. these king size sheets need more than just a queen in between them. (i don't like the beat too much but that line got me)

how it feels to fly - I don't want to come down but wings don't hear me out. If I can touch the sky, I risk to fall just to know how to fly.

By the end of the album, if you know one thing, it's that Ms. Keys is in love, right or wrong, her heart is somewhere above being politically correct. Appropriately titled, the Element of Freedom.

on my mind

when i fell in love, he was supposed to catch me. instead, he fell too but she caught him.

im from the city of dreams but all i keep having are nightmares.

I couldn't make this up if I tried.

woman thou art loosed

Play My Darling Baby - Lil Wayne feat. Drake for the BIG PICTURE!

he stresses me out

is he serious?

i think he really believes the foolishness coming out of his mouth

too bad i don't!

i think we should break up...

but i really like when we...(naughty things on my mind, i can't even lie)

concentrate! what are the pros and cons of this relationship?

yea, im still thinking. there was that time we went to Atlantic City but then there was that time I contemplated beating a b.tch in the street. oops.

i'm just gonna delete his number. and no, it doesn't matter if i know it by heart.

sad that it had to end like this, but still excited about what's to come.

this is for all the lovers that can't be together simply because love isn't

black & white

beating a dead horse

"ur boyfriend or whatever u wanna call the situation is a lucky dude. I hope he recognizes that"

-anonymous

He absolutely does not.

-single but not alone

-scorned but not bitter

-forgiving but not saved

I'm trying, y'all, I'm trying.

oath to others.

do no harm.

easy enough.

i have to get through this

i got a foul f.cking mind to believe that family is either a hit or miss.

i managed to miss

no bloodline can replace compassion

similar hands can't replace a genuine touch

and God can't make me love anyone I don't know, like or understand

off topic, i hate sleeping in a bed that's not mine

what i should say is i hate sleeping with a man that's not mine

but humanity is exempt from ownership

that's why slavery lost the battle with consciousness

back to the topic [sometimes my head doesn't like where my heart's going]

anyway, i just happened to be born where everything that surrounds me is not even willing to understand me

listening is as foreign as chopsticks wrangling some mashed potatoes

and love is as distant as the last phone call you did not return

drowning in a hurt that won't transform itself into a manageable energy

i can't speak to those who cannot hear

and who can bother living when no one notices that you died a long time ago?

sobbing.

crying.

get over it?

which part? there's so many.

where shall i begin?

do you think i chose a road with thorns?

i certainly did not but it's all i know

and familiarity with something or someone often looks like love

it's just the devil in a dress

burn in hell

cold

the only thing difference between a good girl and a crazy one is you.

let go.

I have to leave you at the alter.

shackles

the worst thing you can do to an innocent man is accuse him.

the worst thing you can do to a good girl is let her go.

freedom and capture.

obvious irony.

men and women.

boys and girls.

matters of the heart.

"Take only memories, leave only footprints."

You never said you didn't love me anymore but you're not acting like you do.

The man in the mirror ain't you, boo. (double meaning)

missing in action

when someone shows you their true colors, believe them

how are you gonna act?

"Why is it that the men are forgiven and the women aren't?" - toni braxton - talking in his sleep

If we cannot realize the worth of our relationship, then we no longer deserve it. Reconciliation is a two way street. There are a lot of times that as natural nurturers, we as women want to fix everything. But if he broke it, then mister man can pick up his tool box, drop his ego and get to work.

Meet me halfway and I'll take you to the finish line.

bruised.

We had a drunk night - a drunk and fun night. We danced our whole life away. Swinging our hair and waving our drinks, we had a drunk night. Now the bestie and I have these crazy bruises in the same spot on our legs. These bruises are so ugly I might add a pic. Anyway, we had a convo about these bruises and this is how it went.

her: damn, why does it look so bad?

me: it has to get worse before it gets better.

awkward pause.

we realized in that moment that life, love and everything in between has to get worse before it gets better. broken hearts, promises, arguments all have to get worse before they get better.

This too shall pass.

tlloyd

no thank you

2 Luv Birds

She loved to fly, She ran away
From something at home, she would not say
She needed new friends, no doors would open
She had no place to stay

Then came a bird, Who knew the town
Who barely ever left the ground
They saw each other, they saw forever
They both knew it right away

Two love birds, two love signs
You got me going out of my mind
I love you for a lifetime
You got me going out of my mind

Two love birds, two love signs
You got me going out of my mind
I love you for a lifetime
You got me going out of my mind

They had it good, not lots of style
Not lots of money, just lots of love
She started working, he learned to cook
Somehow they made their way

Then they started flying all around on their own
Up in the sky and now they're never ever home
They started fighting, then it got silent
They didn't know how to make it without each other

They're just two love birds, two love signs
You got me going out of my mind
I love you for a lifetime
You got me going out of my mind

Two love birds, two love signs
You got me going out of my mind
I love you for a lifetime
You got me going out of my mind

-Robin Thicke (Sex Therapy) Album in Stores Now.

do you hate me? yes babe, i absolutely do.

One day he asked me if I hated him.

I didn't.

But tonight I do.

I really do. God please forgive me because I really do.

And I really hate myself for hating him because hating someone you love is the ultimate hypocrisy.

Being forgiving and compassionate is overrated tonight. I want to be spiteful, I want to be hateful, I want to be cruel. But I refuse to compromise my character for anyone who does not have one.

The tears keep falling and it blows my mind, how people cry the same tears for so many different reasons.

And I deleted everything, so my memory of good and bad is just a memory. Eventually I will forget, because memories don't live like people do.

F.ck him and f.ck her too.

Now that, that right there is the truth.

argument

one day he's gonna call and i'm not gonna pick up.

snowflakes

"real relationships happen when we're ready to be apart together." [anonymous]

I can deal with the kind of love that you just know is going to happen. You know, the one where you feel butterflies or the one where you feel so much joy that you can't even fathom pain? I can deal with that. That makes sense. At least it once did.

What I can't deal with is the type of love I don't even know is coming. I don't like the type of love that you don't even know you're in.

Not one bit. I didn't think I'd ever love you, but now I don't think I can stop.

like snow...where are the footprints we left behind?

shadows.

it's not that i don't like u.

it's that i simply can't.

that girl left a woman in her place long ago.

a woman whose primary focus is to not focus at all.

walking down lonely sidewalks and kissing frogs for fun.

her heart has no place for love.

cinderella taught her that shoes don't mean you're walking down the aisle.

and my fairy godmother didn't have a husband.

unfortunately for her, happiness wasn't her maiden name.

so here we are clicking heels and getting nowhere.

fairytale my ass.

tlloyd

to the ex.

you'll starve living off of memories.

the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

where's my pillow?

sometimes i need to sleep off the pain
living can be exhausting

direct.elusivity.

him: why didn't you tell me?
her: i didn't want you to look at me like i'm broken
him: sh.t i'm broken too

and together, we are made whole.

his phone died. twitter brought him back to me.

Last night, my boo's, significant other's, boy whose laundry is mixed in with mine, whatever you want to call him - his phone died. Earlier in the day I had talked to him briefly but by the time I got home to work on my wiki (shameless academic plug) I realized I had not talked to him since. So I called concerned and it went straight to voicemail.

A few hours later I updated my status on twitter to say, "I have made up a whole mafia kidnapping to explain @my_boyfriend's disappearance only 2 realize he has night class @ ambler." It was my way of saying, I'm worried but not scared. Not but five minutes later, he replies to me on twitter"@t_lloyd Check your direct messages."

On a wild search to find out what was going on, he simply stated, "@t_lloyd My phone died and I was in class, what r u doin?" Like an addict to this social network, I delightfully explained, "@my_boyfriend I'm at home working on my project." Three minutes later he replies "@t_lloyd, i'm about to come over, I'll beep the horn three times so you can open the door."

Needless to say, he made it home without a phone. Thank you twitter.

*@my_boyfriend - lack of a better word. im just diggin his style and i don't think there's a term for that.

my daughter has an ipod. she's 4.

For the record, I did not buy her an ipod. I'm trying to spare myself some dignity as a young mother. "What had happened was" my father bought my mother an ipod touch. The ipod touch soon proved to be too complicated for my foreign mother. The ipod touch sat there on our computer table and was eventually replaced by the Ipod nano, in which she not only understands but now loves. One day, my daughter stumbled on the Ipod touch and ever since, she's been yapping about applications, google earth and Luther Vandross. I don't get it but she does. Who am I to judge?

However, when my daughter first started playing with the ipod, I knew she just liked it because it was another form of technology. Her first love was my palm treo, then my blackberry and now this ipod touch has made her fall in love. Once she figured out that its purpose was to play music at her convenience, she really started listening to it and tuning the world out. She finds the Luther Vandross song, closes her eyes and sings loudly - on the bus - in morning rush hour. I can't help but laugh because I've known for quite some time that my child is an entertainer but what I didn't know was how quickly she would observe social trends and even adopt them. She doesn't play the ipod in the house or at the park but on her morning commute, "Where's Luther?"

enough said.

her: i love you
him: i love you too, you're a good one.
her: you're pretty cool too.

enough said.

remember when. we used to be so happy then.

i am second from the left. sitting down.


i am third from the left. still sitting down.

im the cute one. shouldn't be hard to tell. im just sayin.

tina kept the name he gave her. i will not.

I don't hold grudges

and Cain and Abel were brothers so sometimes family ain't family at all

I need to repeat that one more time because I don't think you understood me.

Cain and Abel were brothers so sometimes family ain't family at all.

some people keep me in their mouths like I feed them
and think they're hurting me like I bleed them
I cant nourish you with hate
so instead you will starve off of my beauty
and we both know it's true
because I am made in the likeness of you
so if I'm a whore, then I guess you're one too

don't you think it's crazy that we share the same name, your blood runs through my veins
but even where we resemble one another, we are certainly not the same???

u said it
i heard it
i lived it
i served it

and let's keep it elegant for you simple motherf.ckers:::
cuz i know you're out there

i do not respect anyone who can talk about me but not to me
i do not believe in titles without an accurate measure of how you earned them
i do not think we grew up together when you still act like children

and as a woman who has her own child, i know this:
children are brutally honest, their innocence grants them favors
their eyes adore and their hearts are open
they are born as miracles desired by few but only granted to some
they withstand trial and tribulation from the moment they are conceived to the minute of delivery
someone put their life on the line to give them a chance at having one

no heaven, no hell, no peace on earth
could ever replace the divinity of birth

it is my divine duty as a parent to protect my own life and the life of my offspring
mother
father
brother
sister
endanger the life of my own and i will borrow yours in its place

call me what you want
whore, slut, tramp, liar
but heed this warning
the words you eat doesn't make anyone come (pun intended).
try harder.

Lauryn Hill - Forgive Them Father (it's only appropriate)

i cant understand you

you are a fool
I can't understand the working of a fool cuz im no fool
you say we're not on the same page
baby, we're not even in the same book

does she know?

spare me your bullsh.t
i saw her number in your phone
you're probably laughing in her mouth as i write this all down.
tell me something.
does she know my name?
does she know what perfume i use because it's still on you.

she must feel like the princess at the ball
with prince charming step and step behind her
hmm
does she know prince charming has a child?
does she know prince charming never smiles?
does she know this prince has no charm?

i imagine what your tongue must taste like to her
would i be wrong to tell her those strawberries she thinks you ate are really the juice of my thighs?
would i be wrong to walk up to her in a crowded bar and tell her that she slept in the sheets that i own? that i made?

i want to see her heart break like the promises you made
would i be wrong just because she doesn't know how right I am?

tlloyd

educator

Listen up.
I could teach you a few things.

this is why--

this is why i can't try with you
you lie
you cheat
you steal

you lie to me, you cheat on me and somewhere in the middle you stole my mind
because i seem to have lost it

words travel and yet we sit still
in the same predicament that words couldn't even describe

this is why i can't try with you

trying with you would mean giving up on myself
and that is unacceptable

unacceptable before the gods who believe in rebirth and sacrifice
unacceptable to the girlfriends who put the pieces back together
unacceptable to the little girls who believe that prince charming is the first man who smiles at them
leaving their shoe behind in hopes that another woman won't fill them


loving you is unacceptable and i can finally accept that
this is why
i can't try

tlloyd

he.makes.me.blush.

i got this love jones in my bones
for something kinda sweet
and it doesnt matter what he does
as long as he's only doing it to me
that's all.

it's been on my mind

Be consistent.
If you're bold on Monday, be bold everyday. Don't b.tch up or fall back for anyone. Speak your mind or I'll assume you don't have one.

Just because you put fishnets on, doesn't mean it's a costume.

If you're not married, you're single (we shall get back to that).

I'm a Yankee fan, to the point where if they're not playing, I don't care.

My ex text me. Twice. I didn't text back.

Every time I talk to my mom (in the last two weeks) I want to cry, does that mean I miss her?

Speaking of my parents, I have got to learn to appreciate my father more. I'll work on it this weekend.

if i were u, i would miss me too.

life got in the way. i suppose.

i did it for us

i got drunk off our bad decisions
felt the high slip through my veins and rape my thoughts
i felt the room spin one last time before i finally closed my eyes

drowned myself in the tears we shared
let my hand fall open to the wind
and kissed our ashes to the breeze

like a tower i stood up against that wall and called you to swim in my waters
now those same seas are red with fear and tainted with shame

being inside of me is so much more complicated now
a part of you moves, climbs my walls, knocks on my organs
birth control is not control at all

since we claimed that 'control' we've lost everything
and the emptiness calls you to me once more
every void finds itself with you inside me once more
mind, body and now soul...

we walk in shadows of one another, your memory is etched on my veins
and love tries to bring us through but tsunamis plague our sandcastles

i'm not in love with you. but i am in love with what we've made
there in black and white - we made Love.

--tlloyd

decisions

I may not make the right decisions but I will make the necessary ones.

no one said this would be easy.

where there's a will there's a way?
maybe this is true, but let's not be foolish.
there are uphill battles that we should do our best to avoid.
so, as i contemplate a few decisions, i must choose the lesser of two evils.
one uphill battle versus another.
either way, i'm gonna be hiking for a long time.

complacent

love, sex and magic
depending on the day, we can have one, none or all.

tlloyd

some classics

i'm an 80's baby but the 90's does something to me! As a fan of R&B, I had to pay homage to the classics before auto tune and scantily clad women. these are the types of songs that you dedicated to someone. these are the types of songs that were so true to human emotions that it was almost scary.

please enjoy the talent before you.

Brownstone - If You Love Me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_NoQC0Bo4gU

Brownstone - 5 Miles to Empty
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYJE9wPHHIs

Uncle Sam - I Don't Ever Wanna See You Again
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lIBV1ZkHOKM

Maxwell - Fortunate
(remember when men talked about how they felt about a woman?)



Smooth.

i want.

coldstone ice cream - cookie dough'nt u want some? sans the fudge chips
to cuddle - the real cuddling 'where u dont even need a pillow type' cuddling
to turn back the hands of time or fast forward them ... either or
some lip gloss...i haven't said a word in hours and my lips are dry..makes no sense
a kiss - the kind of kiss that give u butterflies
a hug from my mini me
a mac laptop

but all i need is you.

tlloyd

deep down.

i think emotional rollercoasters never stop rolling
tears are the voice of your soul and laughter is the humility of your spirit
i wanna say that strength is a force powerful beyond measure
but beauty loses its value if no one can find it
i wanna resurrect moments in time to spare the painful ones
and i wanna dance in the rain just so i can appreciate it
and i wanna go to sleep anticipating the next day instead of regretting the one before it

tlloyd

do you like me? check yes, no or maybe.

boys are stupid. enough said.
ok well maybe not.

dear boy,
i think you're kinda cute and i'm feelin' your style. i would give u my phone number but i'll be too nervous to talk to you. maybe one day but not today. feel free to smile at me when u see me around cuz it'll really make my day.
thanks.
sincerely, girl.

tlloyd

don't call it a comeback

cheers to inspirational friends. if we could record our lives, our tears, our laughter, our insane shopping habits and our taste for crab legs and homemade pasta would get us record ratings. I'm sure there are tons of cliques that would say the same thing but please do not confuse us: we are NOT a clique. We are individuals that have great, historic times when life allows us to come together. Whether days, weeks, months or years fly by, when we get together, it's always a good ol' time.

bingo!

tlloyd

the bronx

harlem is not a borough. just a reminder.

legendary.

Michael?
Not you, Michael.
Not the one who moonwalked into stardom.
Not the one who high kicked barriers down with a microphone and a jherri curl.
(you did have a jherri curl)
Not you, Michael.
Not you.

With my head hanging down and I wonder, who's loving you.

tlloyd

heads down. bottoms up.

once upon a time.

june twenty fourth two thousand nine

london and milan.
jelly and jam.
to be or not to be.

i'm just sayin...

Jazmine Sullivan "In Love With Another Man"



Does life imitate art or does art imitate life?

(There's actually a video for this but this uncut version is the truth)

being platonic can be romantic

I asked God for a good, Black man. He sent me you.
He sent me an educated, motivated, generous, kindhearted, talented, Ghanaian whose personality is the only thing brighter than his future.

Cheers.

inspired by ms. amy

press play - this post has a soundtrack.



this road is winding and dark at times
with branches slapping me in my face and vines cutting my ankles
there's nothing to hold on to for my balance to steady
feeling like cinderella with melanin
wishing a glass slipper would appear out of the dark skies above me
but i know it won't
it's the allure that keeps me coming back
possibilities feel better than falling realities
so i come to the conclusion that we aren't going anywhere at least not together

i keep going to a place that isn't my own and he keeps coming into my space
and in so many more ways than one he fertilizes my spirits with bad seeds and worse dreams
the future is hazy even with the sun shining overhead
clouds interrupt like phone calls and text messages during the mid night

innocence tap dances on my womb's stage with a desire to be born
no, not this month, fair child - he hasn't called me yet
and if he doesn't call me by tonight, i will take that morning after pill because swallowing has a totally different meaning when the alarm clock frightens my biological one

no call, no rush, no relationship, no trust
(please excuse the tangent)

even when i had no expectations
the disappointments rained like sulfur on flesh
and not all burns mean sexually transmitted disease
i thought what we had was gold cuz it glistened in our sweat
but i was just a fool who loved him and everything he made me regret

tlloyd




I'm not sure who's more captivating, the real woman or the woman on her arm (which I'm sure might be real too)




The media's f.cked up. But besides that, if there was a picture that captured all of your vices, what would it look like?

if there were such a thing as perfection

I have a little treat for you. I won't reveal the author's name but this was so good, I had to do it justice.
To say that I miss being inside you is crass....but it's true...and you've taught me not to apologize so:
I want you back on my rhythm, I want the dissonance of our moans and the sound of the IPOD to be expressed in the squeaking of the bedframe and the shaking of your legs, and even so I want more....I want to go deep...deeper than I have and than you thought i could with just what what you can feel, cuz the physical grows old in a world ruled my time and defined by moments....My poems to you are like locking the door and turning off cell phones, between each line is an ellipses like the breaths between each kiss...but distance and circumstance makes my dreams and memories unfathomable, so my words must suffice until my metaphors metamorph into foreplay with ur soul and ur heart becomes moist and... ur spirit shakes... and... u orgasm with love...yes....I'm guilty. Guilty that, that line was on facebook in hopes that your boredom would bring you to my page, like an addict strung off your touch, I wait for your correspondence like the anticipation of the first time we became one, dripping wet...with saliva, cuz since phone sex is a poor imitation of what it could be, conversation feels so much better. And I call late nights and early mornings to simulate pillowtalk cuz the only thing that feels better than cumming inside you is sharing laughter and reactions and my inner ambitions with you in the twilight between consciousness and sleep....

-Anonymous

This is what I'm talking about! I love when people get so explicit that their feelings betray all social expectations and demands [refer to: the first line of the poem]. This is direct, concise and to the point - no metaphor can match the vulgarity of these words, nor should they. The author called it a poem but I don't think this is a poem. I think this is a testimony that is unapologetic and more barbaric than stone men and the first display of fire. And the admission of guilt! I must say, there's nothing more attractive than ownership!! It's about damn time.

what is innocence?

I'm a Sociology and African American Studies double major and my entire activity in undergrad is to recognize social disparities and initiate solutions. With everything going on in the world and everything that has gone on, the task is often OVERWHELMING. Sitting in classes hearing dozens if not hundreds of factual stories of abuse, discrimination, inequality and other injustices. I'm not here to dispute who's right or wrong or even find causation for the heinous acts in history. I just want to share with you what has moved me, sometimes to tears and sometimes to action.

Below are some links to historical events that are social phenomenons.

Nanking, China



The first link is an informational blog.
The second link is another informational website.
The third link is a film that describes the events with actual footage. (Complete sidebar...The site http://www.hulu.com/ offers other free movies/documentaries/tv shows from all genres).

http://www.nanking-massacre.com/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nanking_Massacre
http://www.hulu.com/watch/74369/nanking


The story of an enslaved people in America



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slavery
http://docsouth.unc.edu/index.html

I'll add more soon enough.

"We must learn to live together as brothers, or perish together as fools." - - Martin Luther King Jr.

yep, i think she's a classy one.

So one day, I was 8 months pregnant and I was looking at my 'no name ' belly. All of a sudden this petite and gorgeous woman walks across my television to accept an award. As she accepts her awards, she tells the story of how she got pregnant in college and everyone except for one person (Debbie Allen) said she wouldn't make it. She gave birth to her son, finished school and was so thankful that she never gave up!

Needless to say, I got pregnant in college, everyone said I wouldn't make it. I gave birth to a little girl and I'm graduating this year. I'm so thankful I never gave up!

That 'no named' belly turned into Taraji...talk about inspired.
.

Queenie in "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"



On the red carpet



On the red carpet again

There's nothing more stunning than a woman who knows her struggle, embraces it and glides right through it.

Round of applause for Taraji P. Henson.
Oh and two claps for the belly.

the wheels are spinning

tuna can taste good without mayonnaise.
im still a whitney houston fan.
why does there have to be a female version of a hustler?
women - don't apologize if you don't like sports - you were conditioned that way.
men - it's not what you do that really bothers me, it's what you don't do.
my mother's my fashion icon.
i'm terrified of diabetes. but im not scared of anything else.
i love stilettos. i own flats by default.
london's fog is the perfect accessory for a cup of tea.
two words: no epidural.
if it's a great picture of you, crop it. they'll understand.
i don't believe in asking someone for something i can do myself.
my mother swears by cotton underwear.
run cold water or chew gum while you cut onions so you won't cry.
let a three year old be a three year old.

insecurities, delusions and polygamy

So he hasn't called me, what does that mean? Damn I can't get a text message just to say, "hello, are you still breathing baby?" (Don't you call the person you're sleeping with? Isn't that common courtesy?) What does that mean? Oooooh, he's probably with 'her.' Because him and I are only committed for moments at a time, which means when we're not together, maybe that's where she fills in the spaces (and vice versa). I can't help but wonder for all the times he isn't with me, he must be with her. Why can't I believe him when he says he was asleep, playing basketball or actually doing work (because that's what attracted me to him in the first place, he has a great work ethic, not to mention he's really f.ckin cute)? Because I'm insecure and I don't even know why. He hasn't even given me a reason to be except for the fact that we're not mutually exclusive which was a mutual agreement in the first damn place.

However, I do think that the lack of commitment sends me on a wild goose chase to find some dirt or to find some lie to save myself from the potential heartbreak. This gray area sh.t won't let me enjoy each day for it what it's worth instead of what it could be. I feel like I make up all of these indiscretions to shield myself from the truth - that I like him. I like him enough to get hurt and since nobody wants to get hurt, I am desperately searching for a reason to let go.

And let me not put all the blame on him either. I'm not looking for a relationship per se primarily because I am in a state of transition and though I like him today, I can't guarantee that for tomorrow. I might move or quit school or get hurt (God forbid), but what I'm trying to say is that in my shaky lifestyle it would be unfair to try and build something that needs concrete to last. So I nag myself to insomnia. I keep myself up at night in my bed alone wondering who's in his. I have the urge to go through his phone and read his text messages for some evidence that he likes her more than me which would be the perfect reason to spare myself the drama and dismiss him before I fall too deep.

But the difference between men and women (I've found) is that even if I'm not looking for a particular status, I am still open minded to it. I'm not so sure he thinks the same way. Like, even if he wasn't looking for a relationship, what if he found that he liked me a lot, would he at least entertain the idea? Probably not, at least it hasn't happened yet. Would he be ok with going separate ways without at least trying a relationship with me? If it doesn't work then, we can move on and say we had a good run but if it does, then we'd keep moving on to a place where we could only be happier. Ahh. Sometimes I just want reassurance. Sometimes, I want to be reminded of why we decided to take this adventure with one another. What's even more shameful is that pillowtalk and great sex are not reassuring enough.

So here we go on this merry go round, alluding to a future, never discussing the past and trying desperately to submerge ourselves in the moment so we don't have to explain anything past how good this feels for now.

This piece below wraps this relationship up in verses and rhymes. Scopio Blues makes a very good point. I need to relax. If it's meant to be, it will and if it's not, it won't. I just need to let nature do its work. Enjoy.