I bet you think this is about you

Sometimes he thinks I'm talking about our relationship, when in actuality I don't feel like we have a relationship to talk about. 


It's hard to acknowledge something I can't understand.  It's not hard for me to say, 'I'm not f.cking talking about you!' but apparently that's hard to believe.  Men always want to be the only one.  They always want to be the best one.  Truth is, I've been in longer relationships, harder relationships, better relationships and I'm hardly, if ever talking about today's relationship.  And today, there is no relationship.  But people think twitter is my diary and that's partially my fault because 140 characters can sound so authentic.  But then again, people forget I'm a writer and I can say and will probably say something that sounds so passionate and so sincere that you think it's happening at my kitchen table.  The truth is, you'll never really know.  I don't do disclaimers often and I explain myself even less than that but if a man is cheating on me right now, then I promise you, he's not my man and therefore, he's not a character in this here story.  


I wish I could tell you how hard it is to write and have someone constantly calling or texting thinking it's about them.  And because I'm not one to confirm or deny lackluster accusations, I bear the brunt of always being the angry black woman, when in reality, I'm not angry at all.  I know some great men that will probably be great husbands one day, but I'm not sleeping with any of them.  Call it a drought or call it being picky but whatever the case may be, I'm not f.cking any of the ain't sh.t negroes that are trending topics on my timeline.  That's where I've been, not where I am.  


But on another note, I was told to celebrate my happiness.  It's something I have to get used to.    Happiness is a journey that I have yet to embark on fully.  When and if I get there though, maybe I'll be like Mary J. Blige and redirect my art's purpose.  Until then,  I will discuss what I know, what I've seen, what I've felt, what I have come to understand not only as a woman but as a Black woman.  I can't show a man how happy I am that he's in my life if he can't show how happy he is in mine.