that gray area

we didn't break up, you gave up.  


let's talk about this gray area.  so you know how you're with someone and you hit hard times? like for some reason, you two are just not seeing eye to eye, things feel strained, you're walking on eggshells and it's only a matter of time before someone snaps?  someone eventually says, "we need to take a step back." so you take a step back and you don't set up any boundaries.  are y'all still exclusive?  how long is this step back supposed to take? if you were my boyfriend before, what are you now?  are we still supposed to talk every day?  you don't even get through these technicalities until one of you actually crosses the line and then you are officially confused.


you wandered into territory that you cannot even define.  here's my thing.  how do you stay faithful to someone who has no faith?  it's hard enough being faithful in a defined relationship, can you imagine how hard it is when you're not even sure if you still have one?  we want to have all the answers.  we want things to make sense.  if we want to be together then we should be together but it's just not that easy.  there are so many loose ends that have to be tied before a relationship can be seen as healthy, progressive and happy.  but the gray area can happen to anyone and the only thing you have in the gray area is feelings - lots and lots of feelings that you won't know what to do with.  and God forbid, you try to call him out on something while he's in the gray area…i guarantee the first thing he'll say is "but i'm not your man though," which always leads me to my next question…then who the f.ck are you?  when he has no answer, that means he's still looking for one. but on to the double standard...


if you even kiss someone else and you try to pull that "i'm not your girl though," b.tch duck. he might knock you the f.ck out.  it's sad to say that the lines are no longer blurry when you cross them.  not knowing what you want doesn't mean that you don't know who you want. the gray area still hurts though.  your relationship may have changed in definition but it takes a while for your feelings to catch up.  are we playing inthe gray area just to ease us into the breakup a little smoother or are we really playing in the gray area because we want more from our relationship?  is the gray area where you rebuild or where you redirect your efforts? is the gray area the grown up version of detention? do you sit there until you realize the error of your ways writing "i still love him/her" until your fingers cramp?  


i'd rather be in a relationship or single.  the gray area is no longer for me.  when i was younger, still trying to sort my feelings out and still wondering what he was thinking, it felt like i had moved into the gray area, a b.tch was paying rent.  but now, i either want to be with you or i don't and i could do without the gray area.  i believe that you can still fix your relationship while you're in it.  not only does that give you positive reinforcement but it gives you the motivation to keep trying once you can still see what you might lose if you don't.  


i think the gray area is a place of fear.  someone is too afraid to get close or someone is too afraid to lose you completely and though those are natural feelings to have, they should only be temporary.  you can't live in fear and live in happiness.  in fact, if fear and happiness were houses, they would be on opposite sides of town.  though i've been 'single' for a few weeks now, i don't feel that way and that's no fault of his.  i don't feel obligated, i don't feel responsible which can be freeing in a sense but i also don't feel whole and that incomplete feeling is where i feel trapped.  the most confusing feeling in the world is to be able to do whatever you want without consequence and still not want to do anything.  sh.t is tricky.  for everyone still in the gray area, i have absolutely no advice for you.  all i've done is figure out who and what i want.  i have yet to come up with a master plan as to how to attain it.  but before you enter any competition, game, program, or even relationship, the first step is to have a goal.


my goal: i want to be happy. if ten things make me happy and he has eight, then my happy ass needs to get from behind this computer and put that in black and white for him and move forward.  but if he doesn't have those eight things that will keep me happy, then i need to put that in black and white for myself and move on.


when in the gray area…move forward or move on, but whatever you decide, just take your time.