the ocean

after all he put me through
after all he put me through 
after all he put me through 
hell would be a vacation


I could have asked the ocean to be nicer
I could have asked its waves to roll a little smaller, a little slower, no louder than a whisper between little girls under pink canopies 
But I never asked the waters not to bring me hurricanes anymore 
I just moved
With all of my luggage
With all of my memories 
I left the oceanside
My favorite place to be
I left my peace because you brought war there
You brought dead bodies, burned flesh and obituaries to my feet
You brought burning crosses to my front door
Left religion in the devil's shadow
You took my sacred place
Even when I waved the white flag
Even when you heard the "I surrender" pleas
Even when you saw my wounds spread over my skin like wildfires in the midwest
Even when I tried to take my last breath, you breathed into me just to keep me there
Just to keep me mumbling about life while I died on the inside
You brought war to me
You brought famine to my bones
Stirred the dust and flung it in the air so that even when I realized I lost myself, I would never know where
It's not fair
It's not fair 
It's not fair that you get to live on the oceanside and I can only see it from postcards you no longer send
And I want to scream into the sand and make tornadoes out of your lies
I want to make thunder from my fists banging on my chest trying to break through my own ribs just to see if my heart will beat back
I want to make lightning bolts out of your smile just so everyone can see what the f.ck I was so shocked by
But the likelihood of me getting struck by your bolt twice is unlikely so I'll take my chances
I want to yell at every girl you slept with and convince her that I loved you
That I really loved you
And sex was your only facade to be held tight
I want to scream
I want to yell 
I want to exhaust you like air from my lungs
I want to stop inhaling hope just to exhale memories of you
I need to feel the salt in my wounds and let the sharks smell the blood you left behind
I need to let the sun bring some color back into my life
But I'm stuck here on sidewalks I don't recognize
Dancing on unfamiliar concrete watching trees struggle to grow between the cracks
Listening to city buses rumble past me taking men to new women and old women to new destinies
I'm stuck here in the city dreaming of the ocean you took from me