I saw God

I know I haven't been writing on here.  I've actually been writing for the book and then I didn't really have good internet so I've been missing in a little bit of action.  But here I am, wounded and looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.


I remember speaking his name into the wind
Begging it to carry him far away from my lips
Curled up in my thoughts
In the deep crevices of my mind
My brain exhausted with functioning only in his memory
I gave myself three days to rise again
Because someone told me that misery is divine
Instead on the third day, he came over and he rose to the occasion instead
I found myself on top for one more time
Found him inside pretending to be mine
Coming to the only conclusion that makes sense
My three days were over and I was still dead
Praised for words I spoke weeks ago
Only then, my tears considered holy water
And my mother still wept at my feet because somebody sacrificed her baby
I died for him and his sins
Let him pierce the very rib he gave me just to prove to him that I bleed just like him
But I could never heal
Just like him
I thought of myself as a kind woman
A woman whose love transcended the very waters he walked on 
But I am merely a fool with curves
With eyelashes curled like the toes of orgasming women 
And a smile that can only be defined as begging
I loved him in parts of me that God hadn't even named yet
And I went back to God empty 
Swollen with wounds and stoned by the rocks of men with heavy hands
I went back to God empty, a shell of a woman he made complete
A woman he made in the likeness of perfection in the garden of Eden
I went back to God empty
Praying, pleading, begging Him to give me not free will but the will to be free
I saw God in the mirror that night
I bartered my rib for a peace of mind 
And I sold my memories for a new set of eyes
I tell you
I looked at God that night
I swear I saw God that night
With the brightest eyes not even the sun could comprehend 
With the warmest hands that summer could not lend
With the strongest legs that could bend
I saw God that night
When I was in desperate search of you instead.