who I am

A lot of people ask me when I'm going to stop writing sad stuff.  Why?


People are sad.  But to be quite honest, I'm hardly happy.  I'm mostly indifferent.  Not being happy doesn't mean that I don't understand that I'm blessed though.  I'm working towards much more and maybe I'll be happy then but for now, I'm ok.  I don't know if you visited Concrete Cakes but there was a lot of our conversation that didn't make it to the website and I promised you I would tell you.


I hate writing. Why do I do it?  Because it's all I know.  Writing is like brushing my teeth, doing my hair, drinking a cup of tea in the morning - it's my ritual.  It's a part of me.  Then why do I hate doing it?  Think about the worst thing that has ever happened to you.  Then think of the second worst and the third worst, until you come up with a good list of the worst experiences in your life.  That's what this blog is, reliving the most painful memories every day just to make sense of them, just to comfort someone else.  Contrary to popular belief, I hardly verbalize what I'm feeling.  It's not that I don't know how obviously, it's probably just because my fingers move faster than my mouth.  Writing is crying and words are tears and writing can be laughter and words can be smiles, depending on which day you catch me.  But I will probably never stop writing about sad things because I know too many women that are sad, that are wounded that walk by you on the street and you never notice.  So when I write, this is me telling those women, even those men, I see you, I hear you and I know what you're going through.  I don't know why I'm like that and I don't know why that appeals to me but that's the way God made me and it took me a long to say, I want to spend my life talking about how I feel to people that might have felt the same way.


In the same breath, I love writing.  It's freeing, it's not judgmental, it's beautiful.  It's always changing and it's always demanding more from me and I respect that.  Writing never yells back at me, it never cringes at my truth, it never avoids me when it gets tough.  Writing is who I am.  I'll even tell you this, there's been quite a few times where I've cried as I'm typing or I've typed with my eyes closed.  Writing comes from something inside of me and if I knew where it came from, I would go to the source with all my valuables in my hand and offer them as a thank you.  


I love y'all and I'm glad you're here, but I notice the people who aren't here and it cuts deep.  But you, yes you, make me feel much better about it.  I do this for you, for me, for us.