the streets are dark with solace. the trees listen to midnight conversations between girls in cars with boys. the fall air is crisp and there is a lot to be said of these two friends. battling with one another about who can understand the other's struggle. melanie has always felt alone while beth can't get a moment to herself. the misconception of one another's lives leaves room for a moment of clarity.
"beth you don't understand. i'm always alone. i want to be wanted. i want to know what that feels like" melanie whispers. her voice is thick with disappointment. how could they be such good friends without understanding each other?
to beth, everything had a place and a moment. this conversation would be a difficult one, but melanie needed it. beth's discomfort was a small price to pay if it meant explaining the darkness her friend was feeling. beth spoke calmly pacing her words as she had done her whole life.
"being wanted and not being wanted share the same pain. they just have different definitions, melanie."
"no, no," melanie fought back. in her mind, there was no way beth could understand her need for love because people had always loved beth. people never stopped loving beth. it was beth that moved on leaving people to collect the broken hearts like dusty memorabilia. how could beth know that pain of not being wanted when she had so many options? she couldn't know.
beth faced the street before her and sat quietly for a moment. just when melanie was convinced the conversation was over beth spoke in a tone, not even she herself recognized.
"the need for love can be a cruel thing. it makes people do shameless things, ugly things. i needed someone to hold me. i needed someone to talk to me and ask me how my day was. i needed someone to save me from my madness within. i needed someone to believe in me and call me beautiful. i needed someone to be more than a mother i can't stand and an inattentive father. i needed someone to rescue me and he was my superhero. he was my superhero. and my superhero gave me a grief i couldn't fathom. a grief that a prescription cured with the exception of my spirit. i couldn't even understand what the doctor was telling me. it didn't even make sense. john, tyler, melvin made sense. i would expect this from them but not eric. not eric. he was my superhero. but i needed him. and needing him became more important than being mad so i stayed. i stayed for months. but then. when that baby died inside of me, something had to give. i had given him too much. he had taken too much. he had taken a life from me. it was one thing to handicap me emotionally but it was another thing to take a life from me. that was irreplaceable. he had taken too much. i had given him too much. i literally had nothing left.
the need for love can be a cruel thing. it makes people do shameless things, ugly things. it makes you tolerate absolute foolishness. it makes you believe that it's ok for a man to take life from you. we all need the same things, we just go about getting it in very different ways. i was looking for superheroes to save me from myself. the problem with looking for a superhero is this: it means that you are a damsel in distress. and i got tired of being in distress. i got tired of yelling inside. i got tired of screaming for anybody to hear me. save me from my cruel mother, save me from my harsh father, save me from my siblings. i got tired of begging for someone to save me. so i kept hitting that wall. man after man after man. one position after a next. i kept hitting the wall. why? because sometimes you have to keep hitting a wall to realize it can fall down.
when you talk about being alone. i get it. i know alone all too well. i know how alone it feels when you're lying next to someone you don't even like. i know how alone it feels when you watch your mother wait for a phone call from a man, but hasn't spoken to you in days. i know how alone it feels when you look at a baby no one loves but you. i know how alone it feels when you went to sleep in a relationship but you wake up and you're not. i know how alone feels. but you? you don't want to admit that anybody else can feel that because you feel like that's the only thing you can hold on to and that's not true. you're not alone. you've just convinced yourself that you are. and since you are capable of that, then you can convince yourself of other things, of beautiful things, of great things. you can convince yourself that you are stronger that you've noticed. you have got to realize your strength. you've got to know how strong you are. but when you realize how strong you are, you've got to take responsibility for it. you have to own it. you have to behave in strength. that's a harder job than being alone. how can you say you're not strong? haven't you noticed that you have done what none of us managed to do? andrea gives her strength away to men. one relationship to a next, she takes her strength and prepares a meal with it. feeding him to the limits of his gluttony and never nourishing herself. she doesn't even use her own strength. kelly hates her reflection so much that she can't stop looking at it, hoping it will change. and cassie. cassie can be cold but that's only because she's envious of your innocence and protective of it all at the same time. she wants to spare you that pain so she won't let you entertain it. and me? i'm broken which is not my biggest problem but more so that i'm missing the essential pieces. but you? you don't know what it's like to be disgraced. you've never been used. you've never been discarded. you've never been in a bed under a man trying to be above you. you've never been held down by your wrists and thrown into a wall as a man violates the very thing that you give away so damn freely. you know...i looked at the clock. i heard people talking, i heard people walking, i heard cars going and coming. and i looked at the clock. as he pinned my hands down by my wrists and pressed his mouth against my unenthused lips, i looked at the clock. i thought to myself if i could survive this, if i can get out of this alive, i know that you would put me back together again. i know that you would fix me because that's what you do. i come to you with my shattered self and you glue me back together and then put me back into the world like i never left. and so while he hovered over me, i did not cry, i did not scream, i did not fight him off because i was too busy fighting with myself to survive. i could not let him kill me. i had to stay alive so you could put me back together again.
the need for love can be a cruel thing. it can make people do shameless things. leave us tired and worn. but when your prince charming comes, you will not be tainted. you will not be scarred. you will not have the sweat of men on your brow. you will not have the scent of men run down your wet thighs and you will not have the fingerprints of men in the small of your back. your prince charming will come. i know he will because i've already kissed all the frogs."
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