Interview 4

The last interview was this past summer and so much has happened since then.  Let's catch up.

The content of your blog is being dominated by relationship concerns, happenings and concepts as of late.  Is this reflective of a relationship you're in?
Ooh. Who said I was in a relationship? :shakes head: As a matter of fact, everything is a relationship and I'm in the midst of that balancing act which is what you're reading.  In prior relationships, it was all about the big picture - you know, the love, the commitment, the drama, the history.  Now, for the first time, I'm noticing the little things and describing them as little reminders to myself.  It feels like I spent a lot of time being wounded and while that is a learning experience in itself, being happy is a learned behavior as well and it can be taught and practiced.  So being in a relationship is not even the focal point.  For now, I'm just practicing happiness.

So who is this muse that has you practicing?
Hmm. There's no muse.  There's no mysterious man in the shadows.  There's no "I think she's talking to so and so..." It's more of "I've never done this before" as opposed to who I'm doing it with.  It's like being an athlete during the season, that's all you can see.  You're embedded in it.  It doesn't matter what sport it is, it's the mere fact that you've dedicated yourself to another beginning that is like nothing you've ever done.  Each game, each competition sets its own precedent and that's what keeps me coming back.  I want to practice happiness because every time I give myself to it, it's something I haven't felt before.

You've always been quiet yet still eloquent about who you experience things with.  Why?
Honestly, everybody asks me that. But it's really because the other person deserves their fair share of privacy.  You never get into a situation thinking the other person is going to tell everything that happens between the two of you.  I would hope not at least.  So I feel like that trust shouldn't be violated because then what do you have left?  And how will you figure out how much is too much to share?  You can't really gauge how much of your relationship should be carried outside of it, so instead, keep it all to yourself.

While it's safe to assume there's a 'he,' how does he feel about reading your version of events on the blog?
There's always a 'he.' I don't know how he feels about it.  I could ask but I don't leave him the dark at all.  He's never gonna have to read "Oh I hate that he drinks out of my cup" without me telling him first that I hate that he drinks out of my cup.   I don't but that's just an example.  Communication is key and so there's no surprises on the blog or any invasions of privacy.  The blog is still very ambiguous and conscious of what it exposes and what it doesn't.

Now in the last interview, you were busy tying up loose ends in past relationships.  I don't want to get in trouble or anything but how did that end up?
:Smiles: Consider them tied.

That's it? 
Pretty much.  I have conquered those battles.  They're not entirely behind me but they're not within me either.  They'll always be around because that's the nature of life.  Mutual friends, same school, I mean, it's bound to come up again but I have no feelings towards it.  There's an insane sense of peace when I think back to those relationships.  There's no second guessing, there's no anger, there's no reminiscing.  Oh no.  That was then, this is now.  I don't know about being friends but we certainly don't have to be enemies.

Isn't being friends after a failed relationship the ultimate sign of growth?
It can be and it can also be a sign of great stupidity.  I used to want to be friends.  But then I realized when we dug deep into the friendship, we ended up seeing all the reasons we decided to move forward and then when we moved forward we realized why we had to take a few steps back.  It was a cycle that was tearing us apart.  We were using that comfort level as a crutch.  When you're friends that's fine but as lovers, it's not enough.  You need more than that to maintain a healthy relationship.  Friends love you through your bullsh.t, you don't take vows with your friends.  Your friends don't care who you sleep with.  But lovers do and when that's broken, it's so hard to come back from that.  So, sometimes, being friends isn't the best thing.  You'll miss it, but I'd rather miss you than hate you.

Speaking of hate, how do you handle the negative things that come from putting your personal life on the world wide web?
I don't.  There's actually very few negative things that have come from my internet involvement and by very few I mean less than a handful.  But I don't deal with them actually.  I have an amazing circle of friends that are really advisors and they keep me very grounded in my reactions.  It's hard to fall into the negative when there's so much positive.  In the event that something negative happens, you know I feel it in terms of I'll get hurt or mad or whatever but once I seek advice or insight, I find that negativity has no place here so they can keep that and I'll keep my little joy.

It's weird that you say joy when most people think you're angry a lot.
Most people don't think.  I mean, most people don't know the difference between hurt and anger, especially with me.  If I'm not smiling, I look mad and if I don't look mad, I look confused, so if you don't know me well it's easy to confuse me being hurt for me being angry.  I'm rarely every angry and I think I said this the last time too.  I don't care enough to be angry usually so perception and reality don't always line up.

What else doesn't line up?
(Insert my real name here) and T Lloyd! Finally, I get to address this.  There are more sides to a person than you see.  T Lloyd is and I don't like talking about myself in third person but this calls for it.  T Lloyd is the outgoing part of me, the transparent part, you know the social butterfly who can entertain but (insert my real name here) is a homebody.  That part of me is very introverted, very private and very silly.   Nowhere near the charming version that is T Lloyd.  I think I've separated the two because I had to.  I was fortunate to work in a very public place on a large campus and meet a lot of people but that gets exhausting so I learned to keep parts of me out of that spotlight.  There's got to be a balance and I had to find it and cherish it because there's too much going on.  You know the saying, too many cooks spoil the pot?  That's how I felt. I felt like too many people knew the personal parts of me and that's when the split happened.  Sounds schizophrenic but it's really just being the appropriate person when and where the situation calls for it.

What is something people don't know about (insert your real name here)?
Hmm...I'm only letting out one secret!  We're not going to expose me all willy nilly.  Behind closed doors, I'm actually VERY timid and submissive.  Hard to believe huh?

Glad you know that's hard to believe. Why the difference?
I feel like there's always fighting on the forefront.  Every day, we wake up trying to prove a point and we have to fight our way through the madness we call life.  But at home, there's just a certain level of peace that I desire and I choose my battles very carefully.  I want as few battles as possible actually so I'm completely ok with giving someone else the reigns.  I'll be right here chillin'.

So when you're in the timid and submissive mode, is this when you get most of your writing done?
Yes.  When I'm relaxed, I don't feel the need to please or entertain.  And because my writing comes from a genuine place, it's way better when I'm in that mode. It's hard to be honest if you're trying to be popular.

It looks like you've managed to do both.  From the comments, you're labeled as inspiring, beautiful and talented.  Sounds pretty popular.
:Laughs: I guess that's true to an extent.  I'm still getting used to receiving those compliments.  It's so humbling to be considered those things from the very people that I find inspiring, beautiful and talented.  Sometimes I wanna say "SO ARE YOU!" and sometimes I do because everyone needs a little reminder now and then.  But other than that, it's a blessing to even be mentioned in the same sentence as those adjectives.  It just reinforces the idea that maybe I have found a passion that does just as much for others as it does for me, which is the goal. Help others because someone helped me.  Inspire others because someone inspired me and so forth.

Is that also the goal of the book?
Yes along with some others.  I mean, I want the book to be a coming of age novel.  I want it to walk people through the emotions of different kinds of relationships.  I didn't have that growing up. I didn't see much examples, much less positive ones.  I don't even remember knowing the authors of the books I read.  They were like secret, magical creatures writing from caves instead of human beings.  I think when the book comes out, however long that takes, it will be all encompassing.  The words will reveal the author and the author will reveal the words.  You can finally have a sense of who's talking to you.  I'm not just a teeny voice behind smoke and mirrors.  You will be able to see tangible evidence that I went through these things and lived to tell about them.

Have you figured out the title?
I have a title I would love to use but I've always written freely and then titled just to avoid feeling restrained but I think this one works for the body of work I'm trying to create.

And have you finally decided who you're going to dedicate it to?
I should have an answer to that but I don't yet.  But the important thing is that I will.